Do you have a problem with gratitude?
I do.
Yikes! It feels dangerously heretical to question the inherent goodness of an idea that has dominated the self-help world for a decade.
However, if you feel uneasy about the idea of gratitude, you are not alone. Most psychologists and therapists know that the idea of gratitude is more nuanced and complicated than typically acknowledged.
There’s no question that widely propounded "gratitude practices" can train us to notice the positive things we tend to tune out, which in turn can change our perspectives on life for the better. Research has shown that cultivating gratitude through personal journaling or writing thank-you letters, for example, increases feelings of well-being and happiness (Emmons & McCullough, 2003; Seligman, Steen, Park & Peterson, 2005).
But there’s a circularity here. Saying we’d feel better if we felt more gratitude for our life is a bit like saying we’d feel better if we felt happier.
And, in fact, there are good reasons why a focus on gratitude might be uncomfortable for many of us, although these are usually glossed over.
1. There’s that undercurrent that if I don’t or can’t feel grateful for things in my life, then I am a bad, deficient, or selfish person.
The truth is that being grateful is a habit that is easier for some of us than others. What is going on for us in our lives, our experiences, and understanding of the world up until now, and what is currently dominating our thinking and feelings, all affect how easy it is to notice, appreciate, and be grateful for the good things.
There’s even some preliminary research that suggests there may be a genetic component to how grateful we are.
If we wish to cultivate gratitude, it’s a skill to be learned. And we all start from different places. So let up on the guilt…
2. Gratitude is about giving thanks to someone or something for what has been received. And there’s no argument that learning to notice, appreciate, and acknowledge when other people do something good for us is a powerful positive action for ourselves and for those around us. We often take far too much for granted.
But the assumption that we all have people or entities to "be grateful to" can be a barrier. What if people in our lives rarely do good things for us? What if we don’t believe in a God or higher power who is responsible for the good things? What if we think there’s little purpose in "thanking" the natural world.
How much gratitude is appropriate—and to what or whom—is very personal.
3. There’s also an uneasy sense of comparison in gratitude and fear that things can be taken away: "I am grateful for these things because they are better than something else." "I am grateful that it’s not raining today, so I can get the washing dry," rather than just being able to appreciate the weather for its own sake.
Are you one of those people who find it hard to enjoy the good things in your life, because others don’t have the same opportunities? And then feel bad for not showing appropriate joy and gratitude?
Or, alternatively, do you feel you have a duty to enjoy the good things in your life because others don’t get the opportunity? And then feel bad if you don’t?
4. Positive feelings and thoughts are seen as more important than negative ones.
Our consumerist society encourages us to notice what we don’t have and fuels our brains’ evolutionary tendencies to focus on the negatives to keep us "safe" and to take good things for granted. So it is unsurprising that many of us end up with a negatively skewed and unbalanced view of our "good-enough" lives.
It, therefore, is often useful to address our natural tendency to focus on the negative. However, the aim should be a balanced, realistic view of our lives—where difficult feelings have equal merit—not a Polyanna-ish willful disregard of what’s ailing us. (Even if that does get the most "likes" on social media!)
At times, we need to take a good, hard look at the things we don’t want in our lives. And sometimes, we need to not be content with the status quo. We need to be able to question, to voice dissatisfaction, and to fight oppression as citizens and for ourselves.
5. If there are good things in my life, then I shouldn’t feel as I do.
For some people, acknowledging that there is some good in their lives feels like it invalidates their right to difficult feelings. This can be compounded by comparison with others because there are always others who "have things worse." Our problems can seem relatively insignificant, trivial, or stupid, and we can feel a failure for feeling or behaving as we do.
Unsurprisingly, discounting our real feelings of anger, hurt, or fear because we "should" be grateful, tends to lead us to ignore our own feelings, and try to struggle on without addressing the issue, and not ask for help. All whilst feeling guilty for not feeling grateful that our lives are better than those of others.
I’d suggest that many of us would feel less disquiet if we could change the focus from gratitude to a broader notion of noticing and appreciating the good things in our life. Do I need to dissect all my experiences so I can judge to whom, or for what, I need to give thanks?
Many of us would do better just making space in our busy heads so we can notice the beautiful light on the ripples, our cool drink, or comfortable bed when we are tired. Expressing gratitude and thanks where it is due is great for us and those around us, but beyond that—it's complicated.
