What Happens When Our Intentions Are Hijacked by Others?

Source: Andrii Koval/iStock

I recently posted a TikTok video about couples in which one partner was gay and the other was not, explaining how this is not as unusual as some might think and that the relationship was working well. In the video, I wore a brooch on my lapel of a Star of David.

Much to my surprise, some viewers began posting antisemitic statements because they saw the brooch, a symbol that’s been associated with Judaism since the 17th century. Some wanted to know why I was supporting Israel against the Palestinians in Gaza. I had said nothing about Gaza or Israel in this video. At first, I didn’t understand why they were focusing on my brooch or why they wanted to hijack my video with their own agenda. I am accustomed to comments on things that have nothing to do with me or my videos, but this didn’t make sense to me. All I could think of was that these were antisemites coming at me with hate because I am Jewish.

I was shocked, although I admit to having been somewhat removed from personally experiencing antisemitism and how antisemitism, as well as many other anti-isms, is on the rise. I’ve read that antisemitic incidents have tripled since 2023, according to the ADL, a civil rights organization, and that more than 8,000 of these were either verbal or written harassment. In April, then-FBI Director Christopher Wray testified before Congress that “The Jewish community is uniquely targeted by pretty much every terrorist organization across the spectrum. And when you look at a group that makes up 2.4 percent, roughly, of the American population, it should be jarring to everyone that that same population accounts for something like 60 percent of all religious-based hate crimes.”

It all has caught me by surprise. I’m beginning to think I’ve been too insulated. In the past, I’ve been attacked by homophobes for being gay and by erotophobes for talking about the wide range of sexual and erotic attractions and interests of the clients I treat. After all, I’ve been a sex and relationship therapist for almost 40 years, focusing largely on human sexuality issues. But until now, I’ve never been accosted for being Jewish. I suppose I’ve been fortunate.

One has to wonder what’s behind this hatred.

Itching for a fight

I grew up in the seventies in Oak Park, Michigan, a great community made up of Jews, Blacks, and Chaldeans. There were primarily Catholics, Christians, Muslims, Chaldeans, Jews, and probably everything else. We were all friendly, and most importantly, we got along. In December, there were public displays of Christmas trees and Stars of David, menorahs, and crosses everywhere. I never experienced antisemitism there and never witnessed hatred toward any other culture or religion around me. Only when I went off to college did I realize that Jews were by far in the minority, but even there, I didn’t experience the antisemitism I’ve seen in the comment sections of my recent video postings. People were curious about me being a Jew and told me they had never met one before. My social groups in my school years included most of the other Jewish kids, although there were a couple of non-Jewish kids that we lovingly called the honorary Jews. In college, I was the honorary Jew, and it was done in fun and kind spirits. It was all very friendly and never included any type of hatred or contempt.

History has taught us that when communities and nations experience instability and radical change, social order often begins to break down, and fearful people begin looking for someone to blame. We become angry and want to argue and pick a fight. Why? Because they’re overwhelmed about things going a little crazy in their world.

Agendas and projections

In this recent case, as I said, I posted nothing having to do with Israel and Palestinians. And yet some viewers were triggered by my Star of David brooch. They wanted to force me into the conversation they wanted. They assumed things about me that were their own projections, that the brooch meant more than it did.

One commenter even said, “Oh, you’re a Jew. I can’t listen to anything else you have to say.” Another commenter said, “The Star of David brooch says everything I need to know about this guy.” I was caught off guard, hurt, and disgusted, and began deleting the comments and blocking these viewers.

I then decided to make a video about this antisemitism and call out the hatred that peppered the comments sections. One person said, “Yeah, I mean the dude didn’t say stuff confusing Zionism with being a Jew, probably because he’s a gay Zionist.” What? Another commenter said, “Your lack of response to people if you’re pro-Palestine or pro-Israel tells me everything.”

This does, on the other hand, tell me that what people do on social media often isn’t responding to the creator’s content. They have their own agenda and projections. That’s what they’ve decided the video is about, and they demand that the creator respond to their projections. I’m not going to do that. But when I don’t respond, then they add projections that confirm their own confirmation bias, accusing me of reinforcing what they already believe. This, of course, causes me as a therapist to wonder who they are talking to.

Such comments are highly narcissistic and self-serving. There is no room for me to have any other narrative that doesn’t match theirs. They are right. I am wrong. And no matter how I have tried to respond in the past, it doesn’t make an inroad to engage in dialogue. When I don’t respond, they insist that their beliefs are correct and then write that it is okay to be hateful and critical of me without having any information about where I stand. It doesn’t matter what someone’s rationale is that makes them think it is right.

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Whatever it is, it doesn’t make it okay to hate. Period.

Choose your response?

The question becomes, how should we respond to our intentions being hijacked by others? Do we not engage by ignoring them despite the hurt we experience? Do we allow ourselves to be drawn in and risk that, for the most part, we won’t be heard anyway? Or do we simply pause, take a breath, and shift away from our compulsion to defend ourselves?

I should not have to, nor do I feel compelled to, engage with someone’s personal agenda about the content I create. They are trying to put on me something that has nothing to do with my intention. When I created the second video about antisemitism, commenters said, “Well, if you just tell us or put a little note in the video about where you stand with Zionism, Gaza, or Palestine, that will help me know what to say and do regarding comments or continuing to follow you.”

I don’t need to explain myself to you to avoid antisemitism. Your reasons for deciding whether or not to hate me based on my being Jewish are antisemitic. Period.

The lesson in all of this is to take a breath. Check with your own biases and beliefs. Find a trusted friend or therapist to talk it through. You can ask someone whatever you want, but be prepared to listen and to agree or disagree.

But antisemitism is never okay. Ever.