When One Twin Lags Behind

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Twin intellectual and personality differences are essential to a well-developed sense of self.

Identical twins and some fraternal twins look very much alike. Parents, close friends, and extended family expect that twins will develop at the same pace because of genetic similarities in appearance, personality, and behavior. My personal and professional experiences have shown me that in actuality, twins really do develop at different rates because of the interactions they have with caregivers and each other.

Twin A and twin B are a pair of fictional composites that I will use to illustrate my ideas of how and why twins develop differently. For example, twin A is more able to vocalize her feelings, and she cries and laughs more than her twin sister B. Being more comfortable verbalizing, she may start to take over communication with other people for the twin pair. Likewise, her twin sister B may be more physically active and she takes the lead in exploring their environment. Twin B finds the best places to play and have fun. Of course, these unique learning experiences will create different abilities in twins. Twin A talks all the time and her sister, twin B, looks for other children who like sports and competing in athletics.

Very early in life, differences are observable, lively, and attract attention from all types of caregivers and curious onlookers. Twins learn to rely on each other for the skill or ability that their co-twin is “stronger” at. This comfortable interdependence occurs naturally without direction from parents. Co-dependence, a natural state in early life, takes on a life of its own, established from twin emotional closeness and physical similarities. Gradually, interdependence fades if twins receive appropriate and adequate parenting.

Although parents may blame themselves for differences in how their twins learn, behave, and react, individuality in each twin is naturally developed as opposed to being encouraged by caregivers. Individuality is essential to identity development and mental health. Parents need to give attention to special unique qualities in each child. It is understandable that parents measure one twin against the other twin. Twins actually measure themselves against one another as a way of developing an authentic sense of self.

A Difficult and Unwanted Aspect of Comparisons Is Unrelenting Competition

Comparison by others and by the twins themselves breeds competition between the pair, which creates anger, resentment, and fighting. Ignoring differences diminishes the drive to be individuals who are in charge of their own lives. Differences in behavior are important in twin development, because gradually the differences become the basis of mature twin identity. When parents and other caregivers encourage closeness or similarity, identity is compromised and will limit each child’s ability to take care of themselves without their twin. An example from my own life clearly shows that my sister was better at giving information—lecturing to students and other professionals. And she became a highly valued English professor at Stanford. I struggled to talk in front of a group of people. Unfortunately, I embarrassed her with my obvious anxiety giving a speech. It took me hours of practice over many, many years to overcome my fear of talking to a group over the size of six.

My sister was not a problem-solver and relied on me when she could listen to my directions. This limited her abilities as a problem solver later in her life. My sister did learn from her mistakes, although her family suffered through it.

Parents’ concerns for equal development are misdirected. Differences between twins are natural, healthy, and necessary to individuality. I wonder why parents are concerned that their twins need to develop at the same pace, or why parents would treat twins as halves of a whole person. Embracing individual differences is a far better strategy in every way. Still, far too many parents are determined to understand why their children react and learn differently. And then parents overreact to the twin who is lagging behind, which is counterproductive. While it is necessary to help a child catch up on a skill that is difficult for them, it is hurtful to pay attention to the child’s problems but ignore their strengths. (As you know, the child’s strengths need continual challenges in order to prosper.)

Parents may say twin A is like Mom and twin B is like Dad in order to explain to others why they are different. Countless times I have been asked, “Why is my sister the favored twin?” Believe me, I would like to have the answer to this much-asked question about favoritism. There is no answer. The parents made a choice, even if they pretend otherwise.

Or twin B asks, “Why am I better at sports than my brother?” He can make up an answer but there would be no way to substantiate his point of view. And I wonder why these questions are so important if you can't be sure of the answer.

What Helps Parents and Onlookers in Understanding and Coping with Twin Differences

One idea that I feel eis ssential is to avoid overreacting to the issue of one twin lagging behind. Twin A knows more words and twin B can run faster. These differences are sure to change as they get older. When I was young, I was the shy twin and my sister was the social and popular twin. Now the tables are turned and I am more well-known than she is in our own academic, creative, and social worlds. And frankly, I don’t know why our strengths changed. Perhaps it was based on our interests and, yes, aptitude.

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While you cannot ignore differences or make light of them, exaggerating differences is certain to make the problem worse and more difficult to resolve. Talking about how everyone in the world is different may help, with examples from family members and friends. For example, try saying something like this: “You know that Aunt Jenny was a fabulous tennis player and her sister Aunt Ann was so bad she was embarrassing. Now Aunt Ann teaches tennis and Aunt Jenny has become a swimmer. Times change and people change. Just do your best and don’t compare yourself to others.”

What Parents and Others Who Care for Twins Can Avoid

Comparisons are the most dangerous thing for twins to encounter, and should be avoided. Every twin I have talked to has told me, “Comparisons between me and my twin were hurtful and humiliating.”

“Who is smarter, prettier, or more popular?” makes the other twin feel terrible, and the pain persists throughout their lives. Try to educate outsiders and onlookers to not do this. Asking any question remotely similar to “Who is smarter?” may seem harmless but it isn’t.

Conclusions

It is understandable and predictable that one twin will lag behind the other twin because twins are not halves of a whole or mirrors. Each twin will have unique strengths and challenges to deal with alone and with their twin, their teachers, and their parents. What is important is that unique identity is respected and nurtured. Talking about the naturalness of differences is a way to combat the developmental enemies of comparison and competition.

Raising twins is a complicated challenge and some issues with identity confusion are inevitable. When you see the challenge clearly, you will be more likely to make good decisions.

How to Avoid Comparisons

1. See each child as an individual. Stop calling them “the twins.”
2. Talk to your children about how they are alike and how they are different.
3. Encourage different interests and friends.
4. Give your twins separate time and attention apart from their co-twin, and do this fairly regularly.