Verified by 
Understanding Twins
How to Process Anger and Frustration With Your Twin
The best strategies to promote twin communication.
Posted January 30, 2025 Reviewed by Gary Drevitch
Countless non-twins idealize the closeness of twinship. And most non-twins believe that “normal” twins, more often than not, get along with one another. While twin disagreements are considered reasonable, acceptable, and understandable, huge arguments leading twins to ecome so enraged with each other that they don't speak for days or years cannot be called “normal” fighting.
Some twin specialists believe that twin estrangement based on intense anger could be a sign of a serious mental disorder. Other experts, who know about the closeness that twins share, believe that fighting is related to differences in identity. Identity confusion can lead to wanting what the other twin has and feeling entitled to getting it: for example, a new toy that needs to be shared (because there is only one) can create a lot of stress for parents and twins. If you’re a twin, wanting to share your sister’s or brother’s friend often creates a great deal of possessiveness, commotion, unhappiness, anger, and serious fighting. Not talking to your twin is a way to show you are really angry with them.
The reality and truth of out-of-control twin interactions suggests that because of confusion with identity by twins, their parents and caregivers, serious misunderstandings arise which make it extremely hard for twins to get along peacefully or even on a superficial level. For example, having a holiday dinner for twins who are unhappy with each other can be so provocative that they will often not attend a family celebration. As a twin, I do not like to be in public with my sister because of people staring and asking simple-minded and inappropriate questions. (“Which twin is fatter?” is the most offensive question for me.)
For more than 40 years, I have spoken with twins about how they manage to solve their fighting problems and understand one another. I have learned from my consultations with twins, my own self- reflections, and my doctoral research (Schave, 1982) that twins want to be close for the comfort and emotional support that they naturally received when they were younger. In order to cooperate, twins have to moderate their own twin opinions. But deciding who is right and who is wrong—which is of profound importance to twins—can be difficult or impossible. The intense pressure to be alike in interests and thoughts coupled with the need for close support creates heartfelt anger and confusion for both members of the pair. Although extreme angst over the right answer is not inevitable, it can be the basis of deep-seated anger and frustration, and often estrangement.
Outsider Questions Create Unhappiness and Confusion for Twins
As a twin myself, I can endorse the reality that endless comparative questions about how my twin sister and I were very similar or very different never stop. Even as older women, when Marjorie and I are together, people stop and ask very personal questions about our interests, strengths, limitations, and achievements. It is so annoying to be quizzed by strangers about who is most successful at work, who is best dressed or has the best haircut, the better boyfriend, the most successful children, ad nauseam. My main reason for not appearing in public with my twin is directly related to comparative twin questions, which are humiliating because they diminish my sense of self as an individual. I don’t want to be compared to my twin by others. I can do this on my own very easily.
What can twins do to protect their privacy? I guess you could say to the curious, “We don't answer questions from strangers.” Or you could be reluctant to even talk to strangers who are staring at you. Going over your privacy limitations with others will help maintain your personal identity as well as preventing senseless questions. A friend or parent could step in and say, “Please don't ask my friends or children such personal questions.”
Another thought for today is to talk with your twin about the issue of being ruthlessly compared. Together, you can make up strategies to diffuse the problem. Ask family and friends to tell strangers to keep their interests about your twinship to themselves. These ideas have worked for me and my sister.
I believe that these intrusive questions compromise identity development and promote competition between twins. Twins need to deal with outsider questions directly. You could be polite or say, “We don’t answer questions about how we are the same or different.”
Conclusions
Without a single doubt I think it is special to be a twin and have a constant companion when you want a friend to play with or someone who understands and can help you with troubling issues. On the other hand, being a twin is hard and quite different from being a single child.
Parents need to understand special twin pressures related to competition and comparison and the difficulties related to separation and identity confusion. Parents who have a unique and loving understanding with each twin are most effective and successful. Parents who accept and deal with twin issues without over-emphasizing twinship have fewer behavioral problems to deal with.
Parenting Strategies
- Establish a special exclusive relationship with each twin child.
- Spend time separately with each child.
- Separate the children’s toys and clothes.
- Teach your children to share their individual possessions.
- Have sharing time every day.
