Encouraging Confidence in Your Twins

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The other day, a mother of twin children asked me: “How do I encourage confidence in both of my twin daughters? One of my twin daughters, Amy, is more outgoing than her twin sister, Deena, and she is interested in social interactions. Amy enjoys talking to new people and old friends and neighbors. Deena is much quieter and reserved, and she lets her twin sister take the lead in new social situations. How can I help Deena, the more reserved twin, learn to rely on herself in social activities and at school?”

First of all, it is predictable and normal that twins, no matter how identical they may be in appearance, will have different personalities and different ways of reacting to their social-emotional world.

“Why does this happen? Did I do something wrong? Did I favor one twin over the other twin?”

My reply is: “Obviously there is no one simple answer that will cover all of twin development because of the complexity of psychological growth in twins.” Social-emotional development in twins varies and depends on the attachment that the twins share with each other and their mother and father.

Much time and energy has been spent trying to understand why twins become different from one another. Is genetic endowment or the quality of their environment and parenting the determinant? Probably it is the combination of all three that creates the differences and individuality of each twin in the pair.

Twin differences are inevitable and necessary. Differences create the basis of individual identity. Understanding the “difference in reality between the twins” is a fundamental way to develop confidence in each child. Said differently, when you know how your children are different, you can affirm their understandings and achievements separately and accurately. Praise each child separately and understand their point of view precisely on whatever issue they are talking about. Make sure that you see them as different and appreciate their unique strengths. Criticism should be avoided. For example, instead of saying, “This answer looks wrong to me,” you might say, “Let’s look at this answer in a different way to see if there are any other possibilities.” Your reaction will help them understand that they are valuable and worth your time and effort. You will teach your children how to revise their mistakes. Self-confidence will grow, along with their problem-solving skills.

Friendships that are not shared are very important in developing self-confidence. For many reasons, not sharing friends enhances identity and the ability to be separate and to feel like an individual. Dependency is enforced when all of your twins’ friends are shared. Social and emotional growth is also inhibited. One twin can or may take over the communication role. The other twin takes over the school work or doing the chores of the house.

You want both twins to learn how to fend for themselves as this will encourage self-confidence. Obviously, parents need to find a gentle and loving way to separate their twin children.

Conclusions

When twins are treated as copies of one another or halves of a whole identity, the interest in being creative is diminished. Confidence grows out of positive self-regard and the support of parents, teachers, relatives, and friends. Accomplishing a favorite task is also a way to build positive self-esteem and confidence. Criticism is a surefire way of undermining confidence. Comparing twins (or any children) will also lower their sense of self-worth, which encourages inhibition. As important, but not as obvious, is selecting a school curriculum or after-school activities that challenge your twins but without expectations that are far above their actual strengths.

Strategies to Improve Self-Confidence

1. Teach your twins to evaluate how hard a task may be for them.
2. Give support and even tutoring if your child is having issues with the learning activity that they are working on.
3. Talk about the struggles you had as a child and teenager to let them know that learning struggles are common and can be overcome with work.
4. Help find peer friends to work with your twins to make the tasks more fun and more manageable.
5. Build up your own confidence through parenting groups and friends, which is very helpful to making good decisions.
6. Read books about what concerns you have regarding your child’s development.
7. Find a consultant who understands your particular family issues..

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.