Why You Are Who You Are: Trauma and True Identity

Why do the people who hurt us show up in our lives? Why do they leave scars in our hearts that keep triggering us, long after the hurt has passed? Why is it that the things they said or did—sometimes so small or big—still feel like fresh wounds, years later?

When I was 6, I did something I didn’t understand at the time. I was outside, peacefully building a snowman with my stepfather and stepbrother. The snow was perfect, white and soft. My stepfather helped us pack the snow, and we brought a carrot from the house to finish it off. The snowman looked perfect.

And then, suddenly, I stepped on it on purpose—destroyed it. I couldn’t explain why I did it, but looking back, maybe it was my way of protesting something I couldn’t understand. When my stepfather saw, his anger was instant. He was tall, looming over me, and I had to tilt my neck way back to look him in the eye. He said something I’ll never forget: “All you can do in your life is destroy. Nothing else.” Those words were like a knife to my heart. I felt ashamed, small, and like the worst child on the planet. I didn’t know how to explain myself, or why I did it, but I believed him.

That’s what pain does to us, especially when we’re young. It distorts how we see ourselves and the world. And as time goes on, the people who hurt us, whether through words or actions, continue to shape us—whether we want them to or not.

But why does it hurt so much? Why does the pain they caused linger? And what is it really teaching us?

When someone hurts us, especially in our formative years, it’s not just the event that leaves a mark. It’s the way it triggers our ego. Our ego is fragile, especially when we’re children, and it can’t help but believe that these painful words are truths about us. That moment in time becomes a lens through which we see the world, as if that’s who we really are.

These people who hurt us, as much as they may have torn us down, are also our greatest teachers. They come into our lives to push us to our limits. They make us confront the parts of ourselves we’d rather ignore—the parts we feel ashamed of, the parts we hide. And if we’re willing to face those wounds head-on, we can learn to heal them.

So why do they hurt us? Why do people leave deep marks that stay with us for years? It’s because they’re not just breaking us down—they’re showing us where we need to grow.

Identity

Source: glasskid50 / Pixabay

Think about it: Our ego is built on how we view ourselves in relation to others. When someone insults us or belittles us, they’re attacking our ego’s self-image. That’s why it’s painful. But if we can learn to step outside of our ego, if we can see that the hurtful words aren’t truths but rather reflections of the person doing the hurting, we begin to disarm their power over us.

The pain comes from the fact that we believe these things about ourselves. We take on the weight of their criticisms because we haven’t healed the insecurities they expose. But when we choose to heal, when we choose to let go of the pain, we realize something profound: We are not the words they said to us. We are more than that.

The people who hurt us are simply reflecting to us the parts of ourselves that need healing. They are teachers, whether they mean to be or not. By triggering our deepest fears and insecurities, they force us to face what we’ve been avoiding.

It took me years to realize that this was happening to me. I carried the pain of my childhood into my adult life—into my relationships, my role as a mother, and even the way I viewed myself. Therapy, self-reflection, and meaningful readings have been key to my growth. One book that particularly impacted me was Radical Forgiveness by Colin Tipping. It opened my eyes to the truth that forgiveness isn’t just about letting go of anger toward others—it’s about releasing the grip of that pain within myself. I had to free myself from the heavy weight of grudges I’d been holding onto for years. Only then could I start breaking the cycle of hurt and move forward.

I began to see my stepfather not as someone who hurt me, but as someone who gave me a lesson, however painful. He helped shape who I am today. Without that struggle, without the challenge, I would not be as strong as I am now.

When we stop letting the past define us, when we stop identifying with the pain, we create space for something new. We become the people we were always meant to be, free of the limiting beliefs and emotional scars that once held us back.

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I share this because I know how it feels to carry that weight. For years, I pushed people away, fearing that love would come with pain. I built walls, convinced that no one would accept me as I am. But now I see how much I was holding myself back. I see how my childhood wounds affected my relationships, my ability to trust, and my capacity to love.

But we all have the power to heal. We don’t need to carry the weight of the past anymore. The people who hurt us—whether they were parents, partners, or strangers—are not the source of our pain. We are. We hold the key to our own healing, and we are capable of breaking free from the chains of our past.

Healing is not about forgetting; it’s about transforming that pain into something beautiful. It’s about recognizing the lessons in the hurt and using them to build a better, stronger version of ourselves. The wounds of the past only have power over us if we let them.

The next time someone triggers you, don’t just react. Pause. Take a breath. Ask yourself, "What part of me is being triggered, and what is it trying to teach me?" Because every painful experience holds within it a lesson, a chance for us to heal and grow into who we are truly meant to be.