The Psychology of People Who Need to Be Right

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We heal through connection, rather than standing our ground as enemies. Hostility smolders when the human yearning for reparation is met with deception, resistance, or a wall of indifference.

No one likes to find out they disappointed someone or made a mistake, especially if they tried to do the right thing or feel unfairly accused. But some people have particular difficulty admitting they were wrong, taking responsibility, or saying they are sorry in a meaningful way. We see this pattern in high-profile figures and global politics, but it's a familiar struggle in our personal relationships too, where unconscious defenses, personality, and rigidities can get in the way of adaptive behavior. Recognizing what’s happening behind the scenes when we’re involved in a stalemate can help us step up, or let go, and curb the cycle of destructive interactions.

A common obstacle to apologizing is the conviction that we shouldn’t have to apologize because we didn’t do anything “wrong.” In some cases, this might even be technically true from a fact-based perspective. But being invested in proving we're “right," even in one’s internal dialogue, only prolongs conflict and sows division. If one person is right, the other is wrong. From a relational standpoint, everyone loses.

Defensiveness, Rigidity, and Pathological Certainty

Some people don’t take responsibility or admit they are wrong because they believe they are always in fact “right.” The inability to “mentalize," which involves being able to self-reflect and relate to a perspective or mindset other than one’s own, can be an obstacle to empathy, connection, and repair. A related issue is harboring “pathological certainty” about the correctness of one’ position. Such cognitive inflexibility manifests as a frustrating closed-mindedness, in effect, a psychological learning disability marked by the inability to take in new information and shift one’s understanding.

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The need to be redeemed in the eyes of others after a mistake or wrongdoing is exposed can be associated with a rigid, perfectionistic personality style and/or narcissistic defenses. Here the unconscious pressure to maintain an idealized self- image is designed to function as a protection against the threat of feared criticism and self-rebuke.

Excessive Guilt and Shame

For certain people, acknowledging that one has hurt a loved one or has done something “wrong” is unconsciously warded off because it evokes dreaded feelings of badness and shame. Here childhood dynamics involving a critical, shaming, unresponsive, and/or guilt-tripping parent who imposed an emotional burden are re-experienced.

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Being empathic and owning up can lead people with this dynamic to over identify with the imagined, projected suffering of the other person, and an exaggerated sense of their “crime,” fault, guilt, and emotional responsibility for the other person’s feelings.

Miscommunication and Confusion From Lack of Self-Awareness

Misunderstandings and the feeling of being “right” can also result from an incongruity between the conscious intent of one’s communication or deed, and the recipient’s hurt reaction. This can be caused by a lack of self-awareness leading to an incongruous communication in which feelings and unconscious processes intrude into the subtext or “melody” of a message, without awareness. For example, unexpressed or compartmentalized feelings such as irritation, impatience, or resentment routinely leak out unwittingly through tone, pitch, and wording. This subtext and music of the interaction is transmitted instantaneously to the recipient’s brain, signaling danger, and overriding superficially innocuous content.

When Standing One's Ground Is Adaptive

In some situations, however, continuing to defend one’s viewpoint or behavior is actually a normal, or adaptive, unconscious strategy, for example, in response to a developmental imperative to prioritize autonomy, such as in adolescence. Similarly, holding one’s own can come from the legitimate need to protect oneself from an oppressive relational dynamic. For example, doing so may be a way to assert autonomy or a boundary when there is an abuse of power or in response to a controlling person.

Misguided Conventional "Wisdom" About the Danger of Admitting Mistakes

Of course, when the stakes are high, politically or personally, the need to deny or defend actions that caused harm becomes complicated by ulterior motives and efforts to control the narrative, however misguided. Contrary to conventional wisdom, though, people are actually more likely to sue in the absence of a meaningful apology that acknowledges wrongdoing or harm (Robbenholt et al., 2023). In cases involving litigation, apologies are frequently included in the terms of a settlement and, even when large settlements are awarded, defendants are disappointed without apologies, a finding echoed by public opinion (Robbenholt et al., 2023).

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The Aftermath of Breaches of Trust or Hurt Feelings

Reparative apologies satisfy our human need for a breach of trust or other harm to be acknowledged, understood ,and felt in some way by the offending person — in the service of restoring justice, reducing self-blame, and sharing some of the burden. When this need is ignored, retaliation and control struggles function as a substitute means to the same end, causing further damage to everyone involved. Those who are capable can choose the antidote to further escalation and, by offering a true olive branch or limiting participation in the cycle, help make the world around them more inhabitable.