10 Signs That a Partner Could Be a Hater

Toxic Relationships

Source: Image by Leigh W. Jerome Ph.D.

There is nothing like a positive relationship. Relationships are fundamental to human well-being, rooted in our evolutionary need to survive and perpetuate the species. We seek connection and intimacy, expressed as a pervasive drive to “form and maintain at least a minimum quantity of lasting, positive, and significant interpersonal relationships” (Baumeister and Leary, 1995, p.497). This desire for companionship and connection can drive us to seek love. Love provides validation, security, emotional support, and a sense of purpose (Reblin and Uchino, 2008).

A good relationship lifts you. It can lower stress, reduce pain, improve immune functioning and healing, increase longevity, and provide an overall buffer against the challenges of daily life (Thomas, Liu, and Umberson, 2017). On the other hand, a bad relationship can destroy both mental and physical health.

Sometimes, we fall for people who seem great at first but, over time, bring out our worst and most unhealthy parts of ourselves. A charismatic person can lure you in with grooming tactics that make you feel special and valued. Maybe they flatter or love bomb you. Whatever the manipulation, they have a way of making you feel like you are the most important person on the planet. When this starry experience erodes, what remains can leave you reeling.

Some people are self-reliant and have strong boundaries that help them to prioritize safety and well-being; once they become aware that a relationship is unhealthy, they leave. When a lot of time and energy have been invested in a relationship and dreams about the future, it can be hard to let go. People remain entangled in toxic relationships for numerous reasons. For some, there are very real problems that complicate departure, such as financial dependence, lack of resources, and the possibility of abusive retaliation; however, most people stay in dysfunctional relationships out of familiarity, denial, and fear. It’s easy to become comfortable with negativity and manipulation, especially if you attach your self-worth to relationship status. Perhaps you fear the unknown, being alone, or you believe any relationship is better than none. Maybe you are hoping that you will be the one to save your partner or change their behavior.

Some characteristics can predispose a person to becoming stuck in unhealthy relationships. Lower self-esteem, fears of abandonment, childhood trauma, lost identity, and dysfunctional attachment styles can make it harder to break free. If a person feels unlovable or broken, they may become convinced that the relationship is all they deserve or can find. Also, the dynamics of the toxic relationship might be cyclical, with periods of intense remorse, caring, and fun giving way to conflict, gaslighting, guilt, belittling, isolation, betrayal, and abuse.

A good way to know if a relationship is solid is to ask yourself if the relationship makes you a better person than you are without it, the majority of the time. In a good relationship, both people are interested in the details of each other’s lives. It is characterized by trust, support, good communication, mutual respect, shared problem solving, and an overall commitment to each other’s well-being.

Relationships don't usually begin troubled, they break down over time. It can be tough to recognize that the relationship has become toxic.

Here are ten signs to look for:

1. Lack of respect. Respect is a cornerstone of healthy relationships. Disrespect can manifest as dismissiveness, contempt, or belittling. Empirical studies show that chronic disrespect predicts relationship dissatisfaction and increased risk of emotional abuse (Gottman, 1993). A partner who regularly disregards your feelings, needs, or boundaries is undermining the foundation of intimacy and trust.

2. Critical and judgmental. Partners who are habitually critical or judgmental create an environment of negativity and self-doubt. Research finds that persistent criticism is not only emotionally corrosive but also associated with greater relationship dissolution and psychological distress (Gottman, 1993). This dynamic can erode self-esteem and safety in the relationship.

3. Unequal power dynamics. A lover who insists on making the rules, controlling resources, or dominating decision-making may be driven by insecurity or hostility, not love. Power imbalances predict higher rates of conflict, emotional abuse, and reduced relationship satisfaction (Lammers and colleagues, 2016). True intimacy is rooted in shared power and mutual agency.

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4. Possessiveness and control. While some jealousy is normal, excessive possessiveness and controlling behaviors (monitoring, isolating, or dictating your choices) are red flags. These behaviors are empirically linked to emotional abuse and are predictors of escalating partner violence (Karakurt and Silver, 2013).

5. Being right is more important than listening. A healthy partner values understanding over winning arguments. When being right is prioritized over listening and validating your perspective, the relationship becomes adversarial. Rigid, competitive communication styles are associated with lower relationship satisfaction and more frequent conflict (Gottman, 1993).

6. Information is twisted (Gaslighting). Gaslighting, that is, deliberately distorting facts, denying reality, or manipulating information to confuse you, is a hallmark of emotional abuse. Gaslighting can lead to self-doubt, anxiety, and can even evoke symptoms of trauma.

7. Blame and guilt-tripping. A ‘hater’ is a partner who avoids accountability, instead making you feel guilty for their behavior or blaming you for relationship problems. Chronic blame-shifting is a kind of emotional manipulation and is a strong predictor of toxic dynamics (Bartholomew, Henderson, and Dutton, 2001).

8. Lying or deceit. Honesty and transparency are non-negotiable in healthy intimacy. Research informs us that patterns of deceit, secrecy, or hidden agendas undermine trust, provoke anxiety, and are often associated with broader patterns of relational aggression (Cole, 2001).

9. Sarcasm, pettiness, and passive-aggressiveness. Frequent sarcasm, backhanded compliments, and petty behaviors signal contempt, which is highly predictive of relationship failure (Gottman and Levenson, 2002). Passive-aggression—indirect hostility, ‘forgetting’ important things, or subtle digs—reflects deep-seated resentment.

10. Walking on eggshells. If you are constantly monitoring your behavior, afraid of setting your partner off, or living with chronic emotional tension, this is a marker of emotional unsafety. Research describes this as ‘relationship-induced anxiety’ and links it to trauma symptoms and poor mental health outcomes (Coker and colleagues, 2002; Karakurt and Silver, 2013).

It can be complicated to leave someone you love, even when they have shown you they are not good for you. Fears of rejection, loneliness, retribution, abandonment, and or change can hold you in a toxic relationship. It is hard work to build strength, regain a sense of control, and realize you have agency. Reach out to people who have shown themselves to be nurturing. Empower yourself by seeking professional support. These are key first steps toward disentangling yourself, healing, and building self-worth.

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