One Brain-Tool Is the Foundation of Every Human Relationship

My wife Carol and I were driving from Cincinnati, Ohio, to Hartford, Connecticut, in a rented U-Haul. Our 14-month-old daughter, Sophie, sat between us in her car seat. I had just finished medical school and we were moving east to where I was about to begin my psychiatry training at the University of Connecticut, Institute of Living. The drive was about 14 hours, and to keep Sophie entertained we offered her some lollipops.

Now Carol disputes the number and says it was only one, but after her fifth lollipop, we were still not out of Ohio. Concerned about my daughter’s dental hygiene, I said to Sophie, “No more lollipops.” Sophie looked at me, looked at her mother, took a lollipop, un-wrapped it, covered her eyes with her left hand, and with her right put the lollipop in her mouth.

She was sitting right between us, so what was happening in that remarkable developing mind of hers?

Carol got it right away: If Sophie could not see us, then we could not see her. Once we were out of her sight, she could eat her lollipop. Sophie, at the age of 14 months, had not yet developed theory of mind, or the capacity to appreciate someone else’s perspective. Sophie kept eating her candy.

Those of us working in the field of psychiatry and neuroscience have learned that most children undergo a progression to the developmental milestone called theory of mind (ToM). Around the age of 18 months, toddlers have an “aha!” moment when their brain matures enough to recognize and appreciate that other people have a point of view. But they still have to guess, to theorize. It is important to survival to be as accurate as possible in guessing what the other person is thinking and feeling. Because we cannot see another person’s mind, we have evolved a brain-tool to get that done: Theory of mind is the root of empathy

Sophie’s behavior demonstrated empathy. I had just told her “No more lollipops.” She knew exactly what I wanted of her. So, I had to disappear. If she could not see me, then I could not see her. Her empathy was coupled with an even earlier, and probably the very first part of theory of mind, to develop. Sophie knew that we had a perspective of her, even if she could not appreciate ours. She would rather hide and eat her lollipop than acquiesce to the unreasonable demand of a father.

She covered her eyes.

Mom and Dad could not be seen.

And Sophie could eat her lollipop in peace.

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Empathy is a built-in function that we ordinarily take completely for granted.

For instance, you see a woman standing on the corner waiting for a cab. If it’s a cold, rainy night you can theorize how frustrated she must feel as each of the passing cabs already has a passenger.

Go a step further with this scenario.

You see a man move a few feet in front of this woman, positioning himself closer to the oncoming traffic, and stick his hand out for a cab. You can picture quite easily how this action will affect the woman’s brain and emotions. This stranger is aggressively competing with her, trying to get a limited resource (a cab) and increase his value at her cost.

You used theory of mind to play out and imagine that entire scenario.

(Wouldn’t it be nice if the man did get a cab, then offered it to the woman? OK, I have faith in our species!)

As social creatures, ToM is the brain-tool we use to coordinate and get along with other humans in the world. We are using ToM when:

• We wonder if someone likes us, or doesn’t like us.
• We wonder if someone is angry with us.
• We wonder if we are admired, envied, despised, or loved.

We “theorize” about the waitress serving us food if there is too long a delay in taking our order, or about the doctor who seems to be taking too long coming back to the examining room, or about the person we hope will pick up the phone to ask out on a first date. If you ever wonder about such things, then congratulations, your ToM is in sound working order.

Theory of Mind Essential Reads

Non-Player Character Theory Shows How We Misunderstand Thinking

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Take a moment and think about the myriad of ways you used ToM today. It is always amazing to be reflective after being reflexive.

But if you are doing it, everyone is doing it. Everyone is wondering what the other person is thinking or feeling, especially about them.

In essence, do they see me, do you see me, as valuable?

The common thread.

We all want the same thing, and ToM is the brain-tool we use to assess it.

Once you understand the power of ToM, you can use it to help other people by simply reminding them of their value.

They are interested in what you think or feel about them.

This is the power of respect, a behavior designed to change an emotion.

Respect leads to value, and value leads to trust.

The trust that you are not trying to increase your value by decreasing mine.

With trust, people, groups, and entire countries can engage in empathy, share their perspectives, and explore their differences and similarities, their needs, and how to cooperate to get them met.

And enjoy another lollipop without worrying that we are doing something wrong through the eyes of others.