Dating With Social Anxiety? 3 Intimacy-Boosting CBT Tips

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Whether it’s Valentine’s Day or a family dinner with that nosy aunt who never fails to ask about your love life, the pressure to be with a special someone can trigger a healthy dose of dating anxiety. But for those with social anxiety, the pressure of finding (or being) someone’s soulmate can turn from sweet to stressful in a hot second.

If you struggle with social anxiety, you’re not alone. About 12 percent of the U.S. population will experience social anxiety at some point in their lifetime according to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). Dating is one of the most anxiety-inducing social experiences we face. With avoidance being a go-to strategy for folks with social anxiety, it makes sense that dating would feel impossible—even if you crave intimate connection. It's filled with unknowns, potential rejection, and awkward moments—all things that trigger the fear of judgment that social anxiety feeds on. The good news? Dating doesn’t have to feel like an episode of Survivor: Awkward First Date Edition. With the right mindset and strategies, you can step into the dating world (or even spice up your existing relationship) with more confidence and ease.

The Social Anxiety + Dating Combo

Dating with social anxiety can feel like stepping into a rap battle you never signed up for—your inner critic throwing bars at you like Kendrick on a diss track. You’re putting yourself out there, hoping for connection, but for those with social anxiety disorder (SAD), even the idea of making eye contact, holding a conversation, or figuring out when to text back can send you into a state of panic and feel like anxiety is running the show.

Many people with social anxiety worry about:

• Saying the wrong thing (and replaying it in their head on a neverending loop)

• Looking awkward (Where should my hands go?!)

• Being judged or rejected (overthinking every interaction)

• Not being “good enough” (or attractive enough, interesting enough, or smart enough)

• Physical intimacy (Will I embarrass myself? Am I doing this right?)

Any of this sound familiar? Social anxiety makes the natural ups and downs of dating feel like life-or-death moments, but, the truth is, most people are just as nervous as you. The key is learning how to manage those automatic anxious thoughts so they don’t take over your life.

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How to Date Without the Panic

If social anxiety has kept you from putting yourself out there, don’t fret. I have your back. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is the gold standard treatment for SAD. As a diplomate of the Academy of Cognitive and Behavioral Therapies and board member of the National Social Anxiety Center, I have picked up a few tips that can transform your dating life. Here are some evidence-based ways to make dating feel more manageable (and even, dare I say, enjoyable!):

1. Shift from “performing” to “connecting.”

People with social anxiety often overprepare—rehearsing conversations, researching topics, and trying to “get it right.” But relationships aren’t job interviews (even though there are many similarities).

In CBT for social anxiety, we encourage clients to gradually expose themselves to feared social situations, like dating, while modifying their internal dialogue. By focusing on connecting rather than performing, people learn that interactions are not about perfection, but about presence.

Try this: Instead of thinking, What if I say something dumb? reframe it as I’m curious to learn about this person. Shifting the focus from yourself to the conversation can ease the pressure.

2. Keep it chill.

First dates don’t have to be candlelit dinners with a side of heart palpitations. Choose settings that ease anxiety, like:

• A casual coffee shop or bookstore (less pressure, easier exit strategies)
• An activity-based date (bowling, trivia night, or a scenic walk)
• A virtual date first (Yes, FaceTime “pre-dates” are a thing!)

Pro Tip: Anxiety can trigger physiological responses (e.g., rapid heartbeat, sweating, muscle tension). A go-to CBT intervention to manage this discomfort is to practice mindfulness strategies. CBT and mindfulness work together beautifully just like you and your date potentially will. Practicing breathing techniques or grounding exercises, such as meditation, before a date helps regulate the nervous system, reduce anxiety, and promote a sense of calm and confidence, allowing you to feel more present. Being present is essential to having a good date.

3. Don’t let the “what-ifs” win.

“What if they don’t like me?”
“What if I embarrass myself?”
“What if I can’t think of anything to say?”

Anxiety is all about future worries, and it loves a good worst-case scenario. In CBT, we call this catastrophizing. And what do we do with a catastrophic thought? We reframe it.

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For example: If you have the thought “What if they think I’m boring?” reframe it to “What if we have a great conversation? Or if you worry, “What if I get rejected?” reframe it to “What if this leads to something wonderful?”

Most of the time, reality is much less scary than the fear itself.

Love Is Worth the Risk

Dating with social anxiety can feel scary, but the truth is, you deserve love, connection, and intimacy—just like anyone else. Remember, you can do it afraid! You don’t have to be fearless, just willing.

So, whether you're single and nervous about putting yourself out there or in a relationship and working through intimacy concerns, keep in mind that love isn’t about getting it “right”—it’s about showing up, being real, and embracing the journey. Nervousness can be charming, and vulnerability can bring you closer to your date. Just be your authentic self and see what happens.

Now go on, be awkward, and have a happy, anxiety-friendly date!