Boundaries
How to Set Healthy Boundaries with Your Ex
Remember, you broke up for a reason.
Posted March 24, 2025 Reviewed by Hara Estroff Marano
I don’t care whether it was a messy, emotional, or even mutual situation. Once it's done, it’s done. And that means it’s time to set some hard boundaries with your ex. Not the polite, passive-aggressive “I’ll text you once a month to check in” boundaries. No. I’m talking about real, clear, strong boundaries that keep your peace intact.
If you’re not sure where to start, I’ll break it down for you in a way that even your ex can understand.
1. No Contact. Period.
This isn’t a game. It’s not a “let’s give it time and see where things go.” You know what happens when you “keep things casual”? You stay emotionally attached. You can’t heal. And you’re stuck in a toxic limbo.
Do yourself a favor and cut off contact. Don’t tell yourself that a text here and there is harmless. It's not. Every message, every like on social media, every “accidental” bump into each other at the coffee shop—these things are little hits of the drug that is your ex. They’ll keep you hooked, make you think things are fine, and delay your healing.
You don’t need closure. You don’t need to stay friends. What you need is to stop giving them access to your emotions. No contact means no contact. If you have kids or shared responsibilities, keep it about logistics. No emotional sharing. No “checking in.” If you slip up and reach out, cut the cord again. It's tough, but it’s necessary.
2. Understand Your Triggers
This isn’t about avoiding your ex for life—it’s about getting your head right before you even think about re-engaging. What are your triggers? Is it hearing their name? Seeing a specific song come up on Spotify? Maybe you see a post on social media and suddenly you’re in a tailspin.
Recognize those triggers. Write them down. Know what sets you off. And then prepare for them. You can’t control what your ex does, but you can control how you react. Stop acting like you’re powerless here.
When those triggers pop up, do something that makes you feel empowered. Text a friend, go for a walk, or journal. The key is to interrupt the cycle; don’t let old habits drag you back to where you were. You’re in charge of your emotional state now, not them.
3. Delete, Block, Unfollow
If you haven’t already done it, do it now. Delete their number. Block them on social media. Unfollow them. And yes, I’m telling you to block them. Don't come at me with “I don’t want to seem petty.” Blocking is for your mental health, not for looking like a bad guy. You’re protecting yourself from unnecessary temptation.
Do you need to know when they’re out drinking on a Tuesday night with their friends? Or when they’re dating someone new? No. You don’t need that in your life. You’re trying to heal, not obsess over what they’re doing.
If blocking feels too extreme for you, that’s your ego talking. Do you want peace or do you want to keep your ego fed by thinking you can handle this in a “mature” way?
4. Respect Your Own Time
Let’s be real—your ex isn’t going to respect your boundaries if you don’t respect them yourself. You have to draw the line. Don’t make the mistake of bending your boundaries because you feel guilty or want to keep the peace. Set your limits, and stick to them.
If your ex tries to cross the line, shut it down immediately. Don’t give them room to weasel in with “I just wanted to talk” or “Can we at least be friends?” You’re not friends. You’re not a backup plan. You don’t owe them anything.
5. Take Time for You
I get it. You miss the comfort, the companionship, the intimacy. But let me tell you something. That feeling you miss? It’s not love. It’s attachment. You’re attached to a version of them, a version of the relationship, but that doesn’t mean it was healthy.
Use this time to focus on yourself. Do things you didn’t have time for when you were in the relationship. Rediscover hobbies, passions, or maybe even a new career path. Fill up your cup with stuff that makes you feel good, not stuff that reminds you of them.
6. Don’t Let Them Guilt You
This one’s important. You’re going to feel guilt. Your ex might try to make you feel guilty. They might play the “I miss you” or “you don’t care about me anymore” card. They’ll tap into your weaknesses: Don’t let it work.
You need to be rock-solid here. You’re not the bad guy for setting boundaries. You’re not cruel for cutting them off. You’re doing the hard, necessary work to get your life back. If they don’t like it, that’s their problem, not yours.
The Bottom Line
You can’t heal if you keep letting your ex back into your life. Healthy boundaries aren’t about being mean, they’re about protecting yourself. So, if you want to move on, you need to set those hard limits. No excuses. No exceptions.
If you’re serious about your peace and your future, you’ll draw the line and hold it.
And remember, healing isn’t linear.
Some days will be hard, but each day that you stick to your boundaries you get stronger. Keep the noise out, focus on what you need, and keep moving forward. That’s the only way to get your life back.
