Linda: There can come a time when there is recognition that the sexual aspect of our relationship needs a boost. It may appear that the lack of luster is with our partner, but perhaps we have settled into predictable patterns and are not completely present.
No one can fix a sexual relationship for us. We must do our own work, but so often people don’t know what their work is. If they knew what it was they would do it. A good way to find out about the ways we can enhance the sexual experience is to ask our partner. He or she may have been waiting a long time for such an engraved invitation.
Then we can pay close attention to what our partner is offering, and begin to weave those fresh ideas into the lovemaking sessions. Sometimes, others around us can see more clearly what is needed than we can ourselves.
When we pay attention and actually show up, we learn to let go of distracting thoughts, to be fully present, to feel subtle sensations. When we focus our attention on sensitive sensations throughout the body and not just on the genitals, we move into the higher ranges of pleasure.
- You have to be present to win, so learn how to let go of distracting thoughts so you can show up and pay attention to be fully present to feel all the subtle sensations.
- Do everything you can to keep the emotional climate of the relationship warm and friendly, so there is a wide-open channel for sexual desire and responsiveness to flow.
- Be willing to say out loud, “I desire you.”
- Set a specific time for lovemaking. Designating time for sex does not have to detract from its beauty. It just ensures that with all the competing demands of your life, that you make a place of prominence for the expression of your passion. You can always add in the spontaneous sessions to those you can count on.
- Take good care of yourself by not overworking. Get enough rest so that you have plenty of energy for sex play.
- Emotional intimacy is great foreplay. Your lover is privileged to know things about your feelings, needs, and history that no one else can know. The trust that comes with vulnerable sharing prompts an open heart, and deep connection.
- Be sure to let your partner know what pleases you. No matter how much he or she loves you, no one can read your mind. Sharing your fantasies will give your partner clues.
- Build a love nest by making your bedroom a beautiful room with high-quality sheets and comforter on the bed and art on the walls.
- A red light bulb in a night-light or scented candles set an erotic mood.
- Experiment with eye contact. Gazing into each other’s eyes can bring a feeling of being deeply known which can enhance the experience.
- Perfume can be a powerful aphrodisiac.
- You could collect some beautiful love poems to add to the foreplay.
- Awaken your senses by playing soft music to enhance the relaxed mood.
- Wearing silky lingerie can awaken your skin to erotic touch.
- Showering together, washing each other’s bodies and hair is nurturing and arousing. Take plenty of time because this shower is less about getting bodies clean and more about being fully present to your partner’s touch. Bodies sliding across soapy slippery skin is sexy.
- Relaxing in a warm bubble bath can be even more fun than the shower.
- Be willing to make some noise. Sincere moaning and other sounds can be a big turn-on.
- Vary the location where lovemaking takes place. Try out the couch, on the carpet, and if it’s private enough, take a blanket outside to your backyard. Variety is the spice of life.
- Go away from home from time to time for a change of environment. You can stay at a hotel, go camping, or stay at the home of friends while they are out of town. Being in an alternate setting from what you are used to adds some sparks.
- Try out some lovemaking sessions devoted to just one of you. It will give you an opportunity to practice being a gracious receiver. All the best lovers are good receivers. You will have an opportunity to return the favor at a later time.
- One way to bring some novelty to lovemaking is to take out a sexuality textbook and make an agreement that you will let the book open to any page and try out what that particular passage and illustrations offer to you.
- In the morning before going to work, you can build up the suspense by mentioning the erotic treats to come later. Notes in lunch bags and briefcases, voicemails, and text messages build the charge up during the day. Anticipation is part of the fun.
- Be versatile. Break up the routine by utilizing quickies (junk food can also be tasty), extended lovemaking (gourmet dining), and add in adventuresome sex (a few hot chili peppers) in addition to your general fare.
- If there are sexual issues that the homemade remedies are insufficient to address, don’t hesitate to get professional assistance.
- Celebrate special occasions like birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, and Father’s Day by giving extra time and attention to sexual pleasure. Any day can be declared a special occasion to celebrate your love, and you can never celebrate too much.
When we savor the subtle sensations our enjoyment level goes up. Rising up to a higher level of responsibility requires that we take influence from our partner. To have maximum enjoyment, indeed, there is effort involved. We must be willing to feel embarrassed that we don’t know everything already to risk trying something new. We must leave the comfort of the tried-and-true methods we have come to rely on to step out onto the wilder edge.
It requires a lot from us: courage, creativity, strength, self-discipline, self-awareness, support, patience, and generosity of spirit. And for our efforts, the payoffs can be tremendous: The joy and delight of a working partnership!