How to Say "No" to a Narcissist

Setting boundaries can be a challenge for many people, and learning how to set firm limits when faced with traits of narcissism is exponentially more difficult. People who exhibit narcissistic traits are often inherently skilled at pushing boundaries and testing the waters to see how far they can really go to get what they want—usually at the expense of their relationships. To a narcissist, relationships are simply a means to an end.

Understanding the Narcissist Perspective

To better understand how to safely interact with individuals who exhibit narcissistic traits, you first must clearly grasp their perspective on the world. When it comes to interacting with others, narcissists do so only to achieve their end, goal—which always involves power and control of some kind. Narcissists are incapable of empathy, although they can be skilled at predicting others’ emotions (a talent that comes in handy when using people for their gain).

Trying to explain your emotions to a true narcissist in the hopes that they will understand how their behaviors hurt others rarely works. Narcissism consumes everything in its path.

The safest option when communicating with a narcissist is simple: do not interact. Unfortunately, many people cannot escape from narcissistic relationships and must learn ways to adapt while maintaining self-preservation. The most important skill to master when engaging with a narcissist on any level is to say “no” effectively.

Simple Steps to Say “No”

For healthy relationships, “no” is a complete sentence. No, you do not want to date. No, you do not want to take that job. No, you can’t meet at that time. Regarding narcissists, “no” stops being a complete sentence and feels more like an invitation to a debate.

Although it will be challenging, it is possible to master the skill of saying “no” to a narcissist—and see results from it. Some basic steps can make the process easier, but becoming proficient will take repetition and practice.

1. Develop a script. Narcissists will never accept “no” as a complete sentence. They see it as an open door and an opportunity to convince you why the answer should be “yes” instead. Developing a script to use in response to these attacks is invaluable.

The ideal script should be short, polite, and efficient. Be cautious not to include any reasons why your answer is “no,” as that will just encourage more debate. Instead, focus on memorizing one sentence that can be used repeatedly: “I am not interested, thank you.” “I am choosing to stay home, thank you.” “I have nothing more to add, thank you.”

You will feel awkward at first when using your script—that is part of the process. Narcissists will typically be so focused on getting their point across that it will take several responses with your script before they realize you aren’t going to give in. Eventually, they will stop hounding you when they sense there’s no new fuel to add to the fire. However, in true narcissist form, they will likely return in the future with a different request. Be prepared to create as many scripts as you need (or reuse the same ones) to set limits each time.

The value of a script is in decreasing tension in the moment while taking the pressure off of you to come up with a perfect response. Having a script ready in advance will keep you from engaging in the back-and-forth argument that narcissists thrive on.

2. Take time to think about your response. Narcissists flourish on immediate results. They love to take you by surprise and strong-arm you into meeting their demands. Before you need it, permit yourself to take a breath and think about your response before answering them.

In modern society, immediate gratification is available everywhere—but that doesn’t mean you have to give into it, and you should avoid it at all times when interacting with a narcissist. Whether in person or writing, when you receive a demand from a narcissist, wait at least an hour before answering. It is safest to fall back on a script, “I will think about it and get back to you,” and then take whatever amount of time is fair given the situation to think about your response. The time spent considering your answer will allow you and the narcissist space to cool down and de-escalate.

Ideally, every interaction will lend itself to a time-out before answering. In reality, there will be situations when this is not as feasible, and you will be forced to come up with something on the spot. It is also possible that when you routinely take time before answering, a narcissist will work harder to put you in that immediate response situation—another reason that being prepared ahead of time can be one of your best defense mechanisms.

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3. Do not deviate. Once you decide to say “no” to a narcissist, you cannot move from that stance. Any backtracking, no matter how trivial it may seem in the moment, will only encourage a narcissistic person to push harder the next time. Do not agree to rethink your answer—that will just set the stage for the same showdown on a different day.

Although it sounds simple on the surface, sticking to your limits with a narcissist will be incredibly challenging. They may use fear tactics, threats, and smooth manipulation to make you budge. No matter their approach, refuse to give in. How firm you stand now will help decide the level of your future challenges with them.

Though by no means easy, it is possible to set limits—and keep them—with a narcissist. It takes immense inner strength, particularly when facing the threatening behaviors that many narcissists employ, but the payoff will eventually lead you to less intense conflict and, ultimately, to fewer clashes altogether.

Narcissists typically never give up. If you are their victim and cannot leave the relationship, your only line of defense is understanding what drives their behaviors and learning to recognize when you can safely intervene—until the moment when you have the power to choose not to interact with them again.