Do You Have to Love Yourself Before You Can Love Anyone Else?

“You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else” is a staple of pop psychology. It is a feel-good mantra that’s repeated in self-help books, pop culture, and endless internet memes. The sentiment is simple, catchy, and easy to believe. But is it actually true?

Where did this idea come from?

The belief that self-love is a prerequisite for loving others didn't come out of nowhere. It draws from both psychology and popular culture, though its exact origin is hard to pin down. Some trace its roots to Eastern philosophies like Buddhism and Taoism, which highlight self-awareness and inner peace as stepping stones to compassion. In the West, the idea took hold through humanistic psychology. Carl Rogers, a key figure in this field, argued that self-acceptance and what he called “unconditional positive regard” were essential for building meaningful, authentic relationships. (Rogers, 1957)

The self-help boom of the 1970s through the 1990s emphasized the importance of self-love in relationships. Bestsellers, like M. Scott Peck’s The Road Less Traveled and You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay, promoted the message that personal healing and self-love were necessary for love and intimacy. Around this time, phrases like “you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else” and the idea of “putting your oxygen mask on first” became shorthand for setting boundaries and prioritizing mental health. In more recent decades, the phrase went mainstream in romantic comedies, talk shows, and social media. RuPaul helped make the phrase iconic with the sign-off, “If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”

What’s the harm?

The phrase is often well-meaning. At first glance, it sounds like good advice. It resonates because people know that self-loathing can complicate relationships. However, it can be problematic or even harmful depending on how it’s interpreted. For people struggling with low self-esteem, depression, or trauma, this phrase can come across as victim blaming or invalidating. It implies that their difficulty in relationships is their fault for not “loving themselves enough,” which can add guilt to existing pain.

The saying also reduces complex emotions to a false binary. Love isn’t an either/or proposition. Many people can (and often do) love others deeply while wrestling with self-doubt. People are complicated and messy, and our emotions rarely fit into neat, predictable patterns. Furthermore, the phrase plays into a bigger trend in pop psychology, the idea that fulfillment comes solely from fixing yourself. Of course, personal growth is important, but emotional well-being also comes from connection and support, not just from self-love.

What does the research say?

There’s some truth behind the slogan, just not in the way it’s usually presented. Studies have found that people with higher self-esteem tend to be more satisfied in their romantic relationships. But interestingly, the reverse is also true. Being in a good relationship can improve self-esteem. (Luciano and Orth, 2017) This suggests that self-love and romantic love influence each other. You don’t need to “fully love yourself” before entering a relationship, but working on both at the same time can be powerful.

In fact, believing that you must be emotionally flawless before you're worthy of love can backfire. Research shows that forcing positive self-talk on people with low self-esteem can actually make them feel worse. (Wood et al., 2009) It can increase feelings of failure and drive people further into isolation. This idea may discourage people from seeking support or intimacy when they need it most.

So, you don’t have to be perfectly self-loving to love or be loved. The problem isn’t loving others before loving yourself, it’s believing you’re unworthy of love until you do.