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Key points
- In a loving marriage or serious relationship, the question is not if you might fight, it's how well you preserve your bond after you do.
- Couples will always have differences and conflicts but they can cope with them using constructive tools.
- When couples utilize tools like a "Relationship Safety Net," or "Shared Self-Observation of Feelings," they protect their connection.
If you are human and you are in a relationship it is inevitable that, at times, you will be angry with your partner. I often suggest to couples that if you never hear the neighbors fighting, it probably means that they have stopped caring about each other, they have moved, or that you should call 911.
The goal in sustaining a vibrant and loving relationship is not to prevent authentic differences, feelings, and disagreements, but to express them in a way that does not escalate into a level of anger that threatens the emotional or physical well-being of either partner.
Complying at all times, fear of making waves, hiding resentments, or equating every disagreement to the inevitable break-up of your relationship is emotionally exhausting and anxiety-producing.
If it is not safe to be angry in a relationship, it is not a safe relationship.
Stephen Mitchell, author of Can Love Last? tells us that “…the survival of romance depends not on skill in avoiding aggression but on the capacity to contain it alongside love.” (p.120)
How Do We Do This?
In the heat of an argument, partners are in what Don Ferguson, author of Reptiles in Love, refers to as their “reptilian brains.” This is the part of the brain triggered when you are scared or angry. It sets in motion the body’s neurochemical and physiological “fight or flight” reaction. Breathing increases, heart rate increases, and logical thinking drops off.
If a couple considers ways to constructively manage anger when they are emotionally and logically in a calm state, they give themselves tools to understand triggers, avoid escalating reactions, and defuse verbal aggression in the midst of a clash.
Constructive Coping Tools
Establish a Relationship Safety Net. This is the implicit or stated understanding between partners that they love each other, value the relationship, will not physically threaten or harm each other, will not say the “unsayable,” and will prioritize each other's privacy. When a couple knows they love and trust each other, they have a relationship safety net. They can find a way to manage differences and angry clashes.
Stop and Observe Your Feelings. It takes two to tango. Consider the self-reflective strategy of stopping to ask yourself, “What am I feeling and why?"
If this is a step you start to use with other feelings, it will be invaluable when you start to feel angry: "Why am I reacting with anger? Am I tired, stressed, or hungry? Am I overreacting? Am I provoking my partner because the day was a nightmare?"
Clarifying the reason you feel angry for yourself can change your feelings. Clarifying the reason for your angry reaction to your partner can change the emotional climate between you. “I am crazed from the train; that’s why I sound this way.”
Stop and Take a Breath. “How did you lose my car keys at the beach?”
In fairness to any couple, losing keys at the beach when kids are crying and/or need to be picked up from camp is enough to push both partners into anger and dysregulation.
“Are you insane?! Do you think I planned on losing the keys?
This is the point where partners need a physical and emotional pause.
Trauma expert Bessel Van de Kolk explains that the power of slow, forward breathing is “the reset button” in a brain that has been tripped into fight-or-flight mode.
While taking a breath may sound almost impossibly simple, it is profoundly helpful if you try it.
One simple technique is called "Box Breathing":
- Breathe in to a slow count of four
- Hold for a count of four
- Exhale through your mouth for a count of four
- Repeat
Doing this one or more times starts to calm you and opens a space for reflection and, potentially, problem-solving with your partner.
The more often you take time to stop and breathe in the course of your day, the more naturally you will use this tool.
Use a Mutually Planned Time Out. When a partner cannot handle the discussion of a stormy issue, or a discussion deteriorates into a screaming match, one of the most effective coping tools is for one or both to call a time out.
“This is going nowhere good—we have to stop.”
When couples have a mutually agreed upon plan for a time out, it shows mutual love and protection.
At the same time, it is important to have a way of returning to the issue. Some couples informally ask if the other wants to speak at a later time when both are calm and have had time to think about it. Some choose a written exchange in which they briefly explain what they were trying to say as a preface to a calmer conversation.
Often an invitation to talk follows—sometimes it is not even needed.
Overall, partners report feeling respect for each other’s ability to wait and return to the issue with concern for each other and their relationship.
Recognize the Impact of Life Events. It is often important for couples to know that there's not necessarily an incompatibility between them, but that they could be in a tough situation in other parts of life. In the face of a family crisis, loss, or hardship, most people are triggered, and it is their partner, the closest person to them, on whom they take out their worst feelings.
Knowing that with grief, pain, and loss there is often anger displaced onto your loved one can help you “make meaning” and debrief the tension together.
“Why are we arguing? Think of what we have been facing."
Just Let It Go. Once you are done with a disagreement, let it go. You may think that telling your partner one more time the reason you were angry is part of letting go. It is not.
Once you are in a positive mood or enjoying yourselves, you have to reset your bond. Don’t disrupt it. Let it remind you of the best of you. It is a way to build appreciation and connection.
Assume the Best, Appreciate the Rest. In the larger scheme of life, attitude and gratitude play a major part in relationship happiness.
- Do you and your partner love and care for each other?
- Do you both give voice to what you appreciate in each other?
- Do you laugh together?
- Do you hug? Do you kiss?
If your answer was yes, you have the reasons to find a way to manage the clashes between you.
“A love that has endured episodic aggression has a depth and resilience obtainable in no other way.” (Stephen Mitchell, 2003)
