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Key points
- The Gottmans' "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" are behaviors that, left unchecked, can destroy relationships.
- The Horsemen behaviors include criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.
- Fortunately, there are ways for partners to address these damaging behaviors before they get out of control.
Through extensive empirical research and first-hand clinical experience, Drs. John and Julie Gottman—renowned experts in marriage and relationship counseling—have made significant contributions to understanding the key risk factors that threaten the integrity of marriages.
Of these risk factors, the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” are behaviors that, if left unchecked, place marriages at an alarmingly high risk of divorce. Fortunately, their work also offers effective antidotes to counter these behaviors.
Based on their expertise, here’s how the four horsemen can infiltrate a relationship and, more importantly, the simple ways that they can be remedied.
1. Expression Cures Criticism
The first—and most common—horseman is criticism—which the Gottmans define as attributing marital problems to our partner’s actions or inactions. Rather than discussing what’s bothering us calmly or through constructive feedback, criticism involves ad hominem attacks on our partner’s character or behaviors—which is entirely counterproductive to the issue that’s actually at hand.
The antidote for this horseman, however, is simple: Expressing. When your partner makes a mistake—like forgetting a chore or hurting your feelings—rather than immediately opting for a critique along the lines of “You always do this” or “You never do that,” shift your focus to your feelings. Rather than placing blame, try to express your needs instead.
For instance, if your partner forgets to unload the dishwasher for the umpteenth time, resist the urge to say something like “You always forget to do this. You never get things done without me asking you first.”
Instead, try your best to come up with an “I statement” to express a positive need. This may sound like, “I’m feeling overwhelmed by the amount of chores I need to do. I need you to step up and help me with some of it.” Here, you effectively outline exactly what’s bothering you—as well as the ways the issue can actually be resolved—without starting an argument.
2. Accountability Dismantles Defensiveness
The second horseman, defensiveness, involves deflecting our partner’s criticism. When our partner expresses a genuine complaint or critique, we take on a righteously indignant stance to make it seem as though we’re being unjustly accused of something—or we try to make them feel bad for making the complaint in the first place.
This behavior, like all the horsemen, is ineffective for resolving problems. Instead of rectifying the issues being raised, we overlook them and avoid admitting to having played any part in them. However, the antidote here is just as simple as the last: taking accountability.
If our partner comes to us with a positive need—an area where we could be doing a better job—the best response is to acknowledge it rather than making rebuttals. Even if the problem seems small in your eyes, taking responsibility for that one small thing will smooth the issue over far quicker than a counter-criticism or whataboutism.
For example, say you were the one that forgot to unload the dishwasher, and your partner expresses the need for you to step in and help more often. Saying something like, “I had such a long day. Can’t you just do it?” or “And what about that load of laundry you haven’t folded yet? You aren’t perfect either,” only sidesteps the issue.
Instead, something as simple as “You’re right, I did forget. That’s my bad. Let me do it now, and I’ll be more mindful of it in the future” can solve the problem at hand and show your partner that you genuinely care about their concerns.
3. Respect Counters Contempt
The third horseman is contempt, which involves the mean, condescending, or outright hostile statements we make to our partners from a supposed position of authority. It can take many forms, such as insults, name-calling, or sarcasm.
The Gottmans put it simply: The best antidote for contempt is the absence of contempt. As it’s considered the nastiest of all four horsemen, its presence alone can be a terrible omen for a relationship. Given its title as the greatest predictor of divorce, couples should vie to eradicate it as soon as it’s identified.
Again, say your partner asked you to please unload the dishwasher. A request like this should never be met with contempt—even if it was in the form of criticism. Any contemptuous response, such as “You’re always going on about the dishwasher. Why don’t you just marry it instead?” or “All you do is whine. Just get off my back,” should be considered no man’s land in a relationship.
If you feel a contemptuous outburst brewing, take a moment to breathe and consider what you’re feeling. Then, similar to the antidote for criticism, formulate an “I statement,” and do your best to express your needs respectfully. This can be a great starting point; however, if contempt is omnipresent in your relationship, you may need to do a deeper exploration of its root causes.
4. Self-Soothing Stops Stonewalling
As its name suggests, the final horseman, stonewalling, involves complete disengagement with a partner; as if transfiguring into a literal brick wall, we become entirely non-responsive. Just like its counterparts, stonewalling is not conducive for solving problems within a relationship—despite how understandable it can be in certain scenarios.
Since stonewalling often occurs when we become overwhelmed by our partners or our own emotions, or as a way to prevent a hostile outburst, the Gottmans posit self-soothing as the best antidote for this horseman.
For instance, say you’ve had a long day or are feeling particularly angry at your partner, and they bring up the dishwasher. Stonewalling, in this case, would be to ignore their request, pretend you didn’t hear them, or feign that you’re busy with something else. While this may make you feel better, your partner will not—as this is just another way to delay addressing the problem at hand.
Rather, express how overwhelmed you’re feeling and that you need a moment to collect yourself; otherwise, you might say something you regret or leave your partner in the dark. Something as simple as, “I’m having a hard time right now. I need a moment to myself, and we can talk about it when I’m composed” will convey to your partner that you’ve heard them, but that you’re at capacity.
To find a therapist or couples counselor near you, consult the Psychology Today Directory.
A version of this post also appears on Forbes.com.
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