How to Avoid the Self-Defeating Path of Blame and Shame

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Willpower is considered an essential ingredient of success across many areas of life. People with willpower, as we perceive it, get up early and don’t hit the snooze button. They exercise consistently without making excuses about being tired or having no time. They don't waste time scrolling on social media or watching TV; instead, they read books, build shelving units, or create art. And of course, they never procrastinate.

However, when we or others fall short of these ideals, it is easy to fall into the trap of "willpower-shaming"—judging ourselves or others harshly for an imagined lack of self-control. This post explores the concept of willpower-shaming, its impact, and how we can move toward a more compassionate approach to growth.

Willpower-shaming occurs when individuals criticize themselves or others for not having enough apparent discipline or self-control. It can take many forms, such as feeling guilty for skipping a workout, judging someone for indulging in unhealthy foods, or believing that failure to achieve goals is solely due to a lack of will. Willpower-shaming can be self-directed, when we impose criticism on ourselves, or externally imposed, when we succumb to societal pressure and misconceptions about the nature and role of willpower.

Regardless of which direction it is coming from, the relentless punitive judgments that willpower-shaming involves can have far-reaching psychological and emotional implications. The tendency to criticize ourselves and others for failing to exhibit strong willpower can lead to feelings of guilt and inadequacy for failing to reach what appear to be clear, attainable goals. It can increase stress, anxiety, and burnout because of the pressure to constantly exercise self-control and discipline. It can lead to more avoidance and procrastination, especially when we start internalizing the message that our willpower is irrevocably insufficient. Eventually, it may intensify feelings of hopelessness and fear of failure, which could make us abandon pursuing our goals entirely.

Willpower-shaming may have two sources:

1. The Myth of Unlimited Willpower. Some research has suggested that what we perceive as willpower dwindles with time and effort, although other studies have shown little evidence for "depletion theory," which suggests that the more willpower we exert in one domain of our lives, the less we will have available to devote to another. If you use up your willpower to deal with a difficult customer, providing them with the service they need while maintaining a calm and professional demeanor, you may have difficulty preventing yourself from eating an extra piece of pie that night: You drained your willpower dealing with stress earlier in the day, so you have less available later.
2. The Self-Growth Myth. In the universe of self-improvement, willpower is often considered the cornerstone for personal growth and success. This often creates the impression that difficulty pursuing and achieving a goal is a reflection of insufficient will, without considering other crucial factors like our environment, resources, or emotional state. This mindset can take us down a self-defeating path where we focus on blaming and berating ourselves for lack of self-control, rather than appreciating the effort we make and re-evaluating the approach we take. True growth requires a blend of strategic planning, environmental adjustments, and emotional support, not just sheer willpower.

The importance of willpower notwithstanding, judging, blaming, or shaming ourselves does not solve any problem and is only likely to create more. Here are some simple strategies to protect ourselves:

• Practice Self-Compassion. Recognize that setbacks are normal and part of the learning process. Instead of harsh self-criticism, remind yourself that everyone faces challenges. Self-compassion involves treating yourself with kindness and understanding, rather than with judgment; this can help you build resilience and motivation.
• Acknowledge External Factors. Behavior is influenced by various external factors such as environment, resources, circumstances, social support, and competing responsibilities. Rather than attributing setbacks solely to a lack of willpower, consider how external pressures and conditions may be affecting progress. By acknowledging these influences, you can create strategies that address these challenges effectively.
• Set Attainable Goals. Break larger goals into manageable steps to avoid feeling overwhelmed. Setting achievable milestones allows for steady progress and helps build confidence. When goals are too ambitious, failure can feel inevitable, but smaller, incremental steps lead to sustainable success.
• Focus on Systems. Develop routines and environments that support your goals without solely relying on self-discipline. Creating structured habits, such as meal prepping for healthy eating or setting up reminders for exercise, reduces the need for constant decision-making and helps maintain progress more effortlessly.
• Seek Support. Surround yourself with encouraging individuals who reinforce positive habits. Whether it is friends, family, or professional support, a network that offers motivation and understanding can make challenges feel less daunting and help you stay on track.

Willpower-shaming is an unhelpful cycle that can erode self-confidence and hinder progress. By shifting our mindset and focusing on practical strategies, we can instead move toward meaningful, lasting change.

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