Maladaptive Daydreaming and the Unattainable

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The weaker your ability to cope with the world, the stronger your desire for the unattainable.

The severity of mental ill-health tends to be positively correlated with a tendency to fantasize. The more time we spend in our imaginations, the more likely we're engaged in something called maladaptive daydreaming, which is a state marked by idealization, a compulsion to retreat from responsibility and dread, and a strong preference for that state as opposed to any reality. Sometimes, these fantasies entail visions of unlimited success. Other times, they are visions of ideal romantic partners who save the dreamer from others' cruelties or, more importantly, from cruelties that are self-inflicted.

The desire to be rescued, to be propelled into heaven, is positively correlated with a chronic dissatisfaction with one's lot. This means that no matter what and how much one has, it never feels good enough. Thus, the preoccupation with being rescued often strains relationships and does so for several reasons. The most obvious reason is the sense of helplessness the other partner tends to feel when nothing they do or say has any meaningful, long-term influence. Inevitably, the dreamer reverts back into sadness and fantasy.

The least obvious one is the dreamer's sense of self-worth. Feeling chronically inept, they tend to nitpick and find fault with their partner: It isn't that I'm feeling ugly, incompetent, or insecure; it's that you've let yourself go or are inconsiderate or cowardly. The dreamer, with a propensity for distracting themselves, uses fantasy and projection in equal measure.

Therefore, as they devalue their partner, they set their sights on another, engulfed by a fervent faith in the stranger's ability to bless them. The pattern of idealizing and devaluing is often generalized: "If I move to another town," "If I find a more attractive partner," "If I write a bestseller." Essentially, if I do something different, work harder, and take more risks, then I'll be happy.

On the whole, our tendency as a society and species is to peer outwardly to attempt to solve our personal problems. We change, fix, and replace the parts of our circumstances that seem to cause them. Yet, for the chronically unhappy, who are more than willing to sacrifice and abandon, their symptoms often remain. Some stay vigilant, searching for reasons to leave while armed with rationalizations and unfair criticisms. Their joys, if you can call them that, solely lie in dreaming.

While abuse should never be minimized, there are plenty of undesirable aspects of relationships, which most seem to be able to tolerate. The dreamer, in essence, needs two incompatible things. They want to be saved, meaning a romantic partner who will support them every second of every day while sustaining their social standing with an immaculate appearance (i.e., highly desirable). Simultaneously, they want to feel superior to their partner.

A mixture of security and acclaim, predictability and envy. I love you, and I hate you. The partner cannot win. Unbeknownst to the dreamer, the only thing appearing able to make them happy, finally silencing their inner critic, is fiction.

In describing obsessive and compulsive individuals, psychoanalyst Nancy McWilliams wrote, "The compulsive person's rush to action has the same relationship to autonomy as the obsessive person's avoidance of action. Instrumental thinking and expressive feeling are circumvented lest the person notice that he or she is actually making a choice... responsibility involves tolerance of normal levels of both guilt and shame."

The dreamer, unable to tolerate either, fluctuates between fantasy and cruelty, avoidance and rushing to action. As our patients become better able to tolerate their flaws, noting the delusional aspects of many of their unfair comparisons, they may begin to appreciate their lives. In turn, appreciation may become associated with a stronger desire for equality, eliminating the need for and belief in zero-sum relations. At some stage, the dreamer will have to come to terms with the reality that they can't, at once, be inferior to their partner while feeling superior to them. (And they may learn that because they tend to personalize rejection, what they’re actually after is limitlessness, a world where they can have anyone and anything, wherein they never have to feel its sting again.)

However, this process would have to begin with a reckoning of the dreamer's own contributions to their plight. Trauma, neglect, or any other relevant experiences ought to be factored in. Equally significant, the dreamer must recognize how their standards for themselves and others, their inability to manage distress, and their defenses played a role in their unhappiness. They would have to acknowledge that pushing others away actually worked.