Are You Terrified of Being Disliked?

Simply put, perfectionists tend to want everyone to like them, even though they may not necessarily like everyone back.

In treatment, we often ask the question: What are people for? Unfortunately, too many struggle with answering it. In a world where social status is tracked by followers, we tend to treat others as many politicians do, soliciting their love as one would solicit votes. Relations are frequently marked solely by utility. It's easy to argue, based on the surface, that this sort of transaction between adults is fair and reasonable. Yet, somehow, at least some of the individuals who engage with the world in this way end up in therapy, struggling with loneliness and prolonged sadness.

Usually, they enter treatment complaining about not being smart enough, attractive enough, or successful enough. But, as some of them develop the ability to reframe their negative self-referenced beliefs, or simply gain some of what they believed they wanted, there remains a profound sense of emptiness. Arguably, those qualities (being smart enough, and so on) matter much less in isolation. At bottom, perfectionists seem to struggle with having lives that are seldom considered. Hence, the significance of the above-noted question.

What are we after when we want everyone to like us? Perfectionists tend to struggle with overthinking, which, fundamentally, implies a harsh inner critic. This means that their lives are, more often than not, structured around managing it. Due to the intensity of the inner chatter, an overwhelming amount of evidence regarding one's worthiness is required, an almost otherworldly amount. This results in recruiting each individual the perfectionist encounters. Do they like me? Do they think I'm smart? Would they ever befriend me? These questions run on repeat in their minds. Yet, rarely does the perfectionist ask: Do I like this person? Do they share my values? Are they for me?

The Motivations Matter
While there are also practical reasons for cultivating a good reputation, for the most part, public love implies security from oneself, which tends to be perfectionism's basic goal. In and of itself, attempting to be liked by everyone you encounter isn't a bad thing. All of us should try our best to be kind to everyone. Here, however, as with almost every other choice, the motivations matter. Being kind for its own sake, even when others aren't kind in turn, is, usually, good. In this respect, we're able to hold our chins up knowing that our actions matter more than another's reactions. But, to perfectionists, kindness matters more so for the latter. Poor reactions ultimately may trigger that inner demon, again, whom they spend much of their lives running from.

Psychoanalyst Nancy McWilliams noted that narcissistically structured people, those whose main focus always was themselves, profoundly needed others but hardly loved them. Essentially, she implied that these individuals sought to become important to others so they could become more important than them. Being liked by everyone, while not necessarily admiring them in return, provides perfectionists leverage and the only position that ever really feels safe. Popularity engenders power. And power is reassuring. The paradox remains: the more of it I have, the lonelier and sadder I tend to feel.

Realistically, most of us will be truly liked by some fraction of the population. And we'll spend most of our time nurturing those relationships. Possessing "social media love," or even fame, pales in comparison to sharing one's victories with those who deeply care. Perfectionism, like any other obsession, is often, at least partially, remedied through exposure. Allowing others to see our flaws and idiosyncrasies will limit our popularity. We'll be disliked for who we are and what we stand for. Yet, some small portion will, despite that, stick around. And those are the people worth keeping. Perfectionism and the quest for control go hand in hand. Yet, love, authentic love, is the opposite of the latter. Love is shared between all parties. One final time: What are people for? Maturity indicates that they're supposed to be mirrors of who we are, both the good and the bad, helping us on our paths of self-discovery. And, loving them in turn forms the foundation of the hoped-for reciprocity, that we become mirrors of ourselves. Finally, if maturity is anything, it's almost certainly the decision to move away from being preoccupied with popularity, acknowledging in its stead that only a few will be a good fit for you.