Ego or Emotional Intelligence: Which Drives your Decisions?

The degree to which you allow your ego to govern your decisions may be the difference between operating with a more egoic or narcissistic stance or with emotional intelligence. Often, our pride, need to “save face,” and an overarching desire to “win,” at all costs, can backfire if left unchecked. Three things may signify your ego has taken over and hijacked your emotionally intelligence.

First, when your ego is in control, which is human at times, you may be fixated on the immediate outcome. Focused only on quick gratification, you tend to lose perspective. You may become slightly obsessional about the reward which causes you to lose sight of your core values.

For example, Ben is determined to land the most lucrative account in his firm. Although he says he is doing this for his team, during the process, he forgets about his commitments to them because he is preoccupied with obtaining his goal. In addition, he makes promises to the client that put his teammates at risk. Lastly, he manipulates his team members into covering for him, but than “throws them under the bus” to save his own relationship with this client. In the long run, reputation suffers, and his portfolio shrinks.

Alternatively, Ben recognizes that he desperately wants to land this account to prove himself worthy. Yet, he realizes that acquiring this account has occupied most of his time and energy for the past several weeks. He worries that he has disappointed his coworkers, and he dislikes how he has unfairly blamed them to protect his rapport with this client. He decides to invite several colleagues from his company to a meeting with this client to introduce them and give them credit. The client is so impressed with Ben’s humility and leadership that they give Ben and his team additional business, and Ben’s reputation is strengthened.

In the first part of this vignette, Ben is ruled by his ego and may suffer long-term consequences. Yet, in the second section, Ben has self-awareness, empathy, and humility. These strengths allow him to maintain perspective and balance. He realizes that his professional relationships and integrity are more important than immediate dollar signs. Ben allows his emotional intelligence to guide him and he reaps the benefits.

The second sign that your ego may be controlling your decisions is when you find yourself doing uncharacteristic things to obtain your goal. You may be a very empathic and compassionate person, but suddenly you feel yourself manipulating and exploiting people and massaging the facts to achieve your desired outcome.

For instance, Amy is intent on putting her husband in his place. He hurt her by leaving the marriage. Although she may not be consciously aware of her spite, her behaviors may unveil her narcissism. She plays the victim with her children and acts as though she may never recover from the hurt that their father caused her. The children feel like it is their job to “save” her. They are convinced that their mom’s well-being depends on them. Although they do not want to, they reject their father and refuse to see him to help their mom. Although this puts their own mental health in danger, Amy is too focused on “winning,” and fails to see the impact it has on her children.

In this example, Amy gives into her ego and is intent on hurting someone who hurt her. The vindictive mentality may seem justified in the moment, but it may be at the expense of her children. A more emotionally intelligent approach may involve prioritizing her children’s emotional health and empowering the kids to trust their own perception of their father.

The third sign your ego may be replacing your emotional intelligence is when you tend to want to “save the day.” You may believe that you are advocating for a loved one or a friend, but if you are “swooping in” to manipulate things for them, it may be more about your need to be a hero then it is about helping them.

For example, Taylor’s co-worker, Anne, is struggling with their director, Pete. They do not agree on several important issues and are ensnared in conflict. Taylor wants to help. Secretly, she speaks to her colleagues about the situation and exaggerates and dramatizes the circumstance to paint Pete as a “bully” and Anne as the “victim.” The team rallies around Anne, as Taylor leads the charge. Taylor contacts the company’s board of directors to lodge their complaints. While the situation is investigated, Anne sees herself as the victim and excuses herself from responsibilities. Her sense of entitlement grows. She drops the ball on several important team projects and the team loses several lucrative accounts and a large amount of commission.

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Conversely, Taylor listens to Anne and offers empathy. She conveys an understanding of her Anne’s frustration and anger, but she avoids inserting herself into the situation. Instead, she encourages Anne to advocate for herself in the appropriate way and offers to be a confidential sounding board. Taylor also remembers to check on Anne, occasionally, to see how she is doing.

This illustration may exemplify how being someone’s “hero” may be more about your ego then truly helping a person in need. The person who you are “saving” does not have a chance to advocate for themselves which may impact their self-efficacy and confidence. They may also feel dependent on you to fix their problems.

Although it human to trip over your own ego sometimes, it is important to keep it in check when making important decisions.