The Funny Narcissist

The funny narcissist is witty, satirical, and clever with a comeback. They are entertaining to be around. However, their humor often exhibits five traits that could indicate narcissism, which may be hurtful if you're the subject of it. In contrast, emotionally intelligent humor tends to be good-natured and inoffensive. The differences are critical and may alert you to the possibility that a friend or loved one may be problematic.

First, a funny narcissist is often someone who can “dish it out but cannot take it.” They are the first people to tease and poke fun at someone else. Yet, when someone razzes them, they get mad and sometimes withdraw. Alternatively, a person with emotional intelligence gets a kick out of friendly and good-natured banter and can laugh at themselves.

Second, a narcissistic person’s humor is largely focused on making fun of others behind their backs. Although everyone needs to occasionally vent and joke about the people in their lives that are slightly irritating, a narcissist’s humor is mostly derived from mocking others. Conversely, an emotionally intelligent person’s sense of humor may have more balance. Their humor is often a combination of good-natured joking, self-deprecating humor, and finding comedy in the dynamics and drudgery of everyday life.

Third, an individual with a narcissistic streak may have difficulties distinguishing playful jokes from bullying. Often, they cross the line and become hurtful without realizing it. The person they have affected is often shocked that they suddenly hit below the belt. The narcissist is clueless and continually defends their sentiments as a joke.

Fourth, a person with a strong narcissistic streak enjoys calling people out publicly. Getting a laugh at another person’s expense is routine and the more of an audience they have, the better. Because they are deeply insecure, they feel better when they can control the social dynamic. Frequently, they utilize putting someone else down as an opportunity to simultaneously exert their control and get attention.

Fifth, a narcissist may often laugh at people in place of laughing with them. For example, a group of friends; Jake, Lucy, and Veronica, are running to get out of the rain. Jake trips over a crack in the sidewalk, ejects forward, and hits his head on a street pole. Lucy immediately doubles over with uncontrollable laughter. Veronica, on the other hand, is concerned for Jake’s safety and rushes to his side to check if he is okay. She helps him up and as he gets to his feet, he starts chuckling. Veronica shares his laughter but still monitors him to ensure he isn’t seriously hurt. In this vignette, Lucy laughs at Jake instead of with Jake, while Veronica laughs alongside Jake.

A sense of humor is a useful way to connect with others and cope with the trials and tribulations of everyday life, however, if a person in your world has the five traits noted above, they may have a narcissistic sense of humor. It is important to be careful around this person because they will use others to get a laugh. If you fail to join them in this endeavor, they may turn on you. On the contrary, a person with an emotionally intelligent sense of humor usually does not exploit another for entertainment. You can find more information on the differences between emotional intelligence and narcissism in my new book, How to Outsmart a Narcissist, Use Emotional Intelligence to Regain Control at Home, at Work, and in Life.