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Defense Mechanisms

Is Your Partner Truthful, or Are You Being Manipulated?

The difference between true accountability and a victim stance.

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Source: Pexels

“I’m just the worst person in the world.” “I don’t deserve to be loved.” “I should never, ever, have a girlfriend.” If your partner uses statements similar to these when confronted, he or she may be playing the victim in order to escape accountability.

When a person plays the victim, he or she is unconsciously employing a defense mechanism to avoid the emotional pain which accompanies accountability. Extreme and dramatic statements—like “I’m just a terrible person, aren’t I?” or “I’m just the worst wife ever, aren’t I?”—force a partner to retract his or her feelings and switch to a save-and-rescue mode. Masterfully, the person who uses a victim stance flips the script and becomes the person who needs to be immediately absolved and reassured, instead of the person who is actually responsible. This is problematic because one person in the relationship is never truly heard. Conflicts are not resolved, and trust is eroded.

Deflection is a diversionary tactic often used by a person with a victim mantra to avert accountability in the present by bringing up a partner’s past mistakes. Statements such as, “At least I didn’t forget to pick my kid up last week!” immediately transfer blame. Uprooting a partner’s missteps allows the person to conveniently deflect responsibility at the moment while simultaneously placing blame on the partner. Positioning oneself as an innocent party by condemning a partner is a means of eluding accountability.

It is important to note that a person who frequently embodies accountability and utilizes the past to highlight a partner’s stream of consistently hurtful behaviors, is not playing the victim. In this case, the person is desperately attempting to inspire insight into a partner. If the partner avoids this insight and feels entitled to do whatever he or she pleases without concern for a loved one, he or she may lack empathy and accountability.

A belief that one’s past experiences are more difficult than anyone else’s is another version of a victim mentality. For example, “I have been cheated on by all of my exes, so I have trust issues.” Admitting you’ve been hurt is healthy, but using past traumas as a license to control, dominate, or mistreat a current partner is not. A person who believes he or she has suffered more than anyone else and uses this as an excuse to pardon controlling behaviors may be utilizing a victim persona.

Inflicting guilt is also a tactic of a person with a victim mantra. “After everything I have done for you, you aren’t going to help me out?” The person is attempting to position himself or herself as the honorable party. If the partner does not comply with his or her wishes, the partner is automatically juxtaposed as the “bad guy” in the relationship. Wielding guilt as a tool to control and dominate a partner is often a tendency of a person who has emotionally abusive tendencies.

The opposite of a victim stance is authentic accountability. This occurs when a partner looks you in the eye with true remorse and owns his or her selfish moments. Free of excuses and rationalizations, the person is able to sincerely express an understanding of how he or she impacted you. Owning their part in a conflict, accountable people admit fault and attempt to make amends. For example, “I’m so sorry I disappointed you. I had a selfish moment, and I feel awful about it. What can I do to make it up to you?” Moreover, a truly accountable partner rarely makes a serious mistake twice, because they experience remorse and are capable of accountability and insight, which are the precursors to permanent growth and change.

If conflicts are rarely resolved constructively, and resentment proliferates, your partner may be using the victim stance as a defense mechanism in order to avoid accountability. Softening this defense mechanism requires insight, which is exactly what the person may be defending against. Thus, it is a tough predicament to be in.

Finding a therapist who is well versed in treating clients with personality disorders may be the first step. Because the defense mechanism is unconscious, the person may be completely unaware of what they are actually doing, so he or she vehemently denies it. A psychotherapist may be able to get to the root of an early trauma which caused a resurrection of the defense mechanism. This may be the most qualified expert to help.

Facebook image: Photographee.eu/Shutterstock

References

https://medium.com/personal-growth/dealing-with-the-victim-mentality-in…

http://www.mainlinetoday.com/Blogs/Thinking-Forward/September-2013/Unde…

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