Trying to Change Your Anger Habits in the Coming Year?

The start of a new year always feels like a good time to make resolutions and trade in old habits for new ones. It’s a time when we feel like the slate is clean. It can be a new beginning, whether we’ve decided to lose weight, increase our fitness or work on improving our relationships. And, while it may feel arbitrary, it’s as good a time as ever to cultivate practices in healthy anger. The real challenge, consistent with making any change in our behavior, is maintaining our motivation to do so.

When thinking about changing how you manage anger, it’s important to remember that much of personality is not fixed. Rather, it’s made up of habits in thinking, feeling and behaving. The good news, supported by research in neuroscience of recent years, is that when you think, feel or behave in new ways–you are training your brain. The more you engage in these new habits, you strengthen and increase the number of neuronal connections in your brain devoted to them. As such, with practice, the new habits become a more automatic part of your repertoire. This is as true for managing anger as it is for changing habits in any area of your life.

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In upcoming posts I will present a variety of effective strategies for cultivating healthy anger. I’ll focus primarily on practices rooted in: increased self-awareness regarding patterns of thinking as well as emotional and physical states; mindfulness and mindful meditation, and; compassion-focused skills.

Whether you choose to embrace these practices and/or combine them with others, it’s important to remember that learning new ones requires patience, time and commitment. The following strategies can help you strength your commitment to cultivating new habits for healthy anger, change that can help you lead a more fulfilling life.

1. Write down a list of reasons to practice healthy anger: This will help you take greater ownership of the decisions you make. You’ll see more clearly how these changes benefit you. Ask yourself “What do I hope to achieve?” and “How will my life be different by making this change?”

2. Develop realistic short and long-term goals: Define mini-goals that move you toward achieving larger goals. For example, you may first practice relaxation exercise to foster body awareness and gradually integrate mindfulness practices.

3. Set up visual reminders: Use sticky notes, photos, posters, pop-up reminders or other formats to remind you of your intentions. Create notes that are clearly stated, brief and define specific behaviors.

4. Be realistic in your expectations: Habits take time to cultivate. Be realistic when determining how much time certain tasks might take and how much success can be achieved within that time. Progress can be measured by a decrease in intensity, duration and frequency of anger.

5. Expect frustration: Be aware of judging yourself harshly for not making the progress you believe you “should” be achieving. Be mindful of competing motivations that can override your commitment to change. Giving up old habits may lead you to feel deprived and even angry. You may feel like you’re not being your “true” self. This makes sense, as this feeling often accompanies growth and embracing new habits.

6. Develop inner compassion: Studies by Kristin Neff, the author of Self-Compassion, indicate that increased self-compassion fosters greater resilience, frustration tolerance and responsibility. When making a mistake or not reaching a goal, instead of harsh self-criticism, say to yourself “This takes time.” “This is difficult.” or “Right now I’m feeling inadequate…this makes perfect sense–I’ve never done this before!” (See http://www.selfcompassion.org)

7. Savor moments of progress: Be mindful to notice and savor the details of your progress. Find support from others who share your goals, those who can help you savor your progress.

Healthy anger is about being able to sit with and constructively manage the experience of anger that includes thoughts, feelings and sensations that accompany it. It encompasses strengthening the rational brain to override the emotional brain. And while it’s tempting to think that there’s a quick answer to this challenge, it’s a complex process that takes patience, time and commitment.