Why Do We Hold on to Old Flames?

“And in the end, we were all just humans, drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness” —Christopher Poindexter

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Love is messy—and so is life. At times, we all need an escape from the intricacies of reality, which is why romantic comedies are so popular. And sometimes, we create our own mental movies. These may star a crush from afar, or more often, the memory of an old flame. But why do we hold on to those past loves, even when they are long gone?

Holding onto past loves is something many of us experience. While the relationship may not have worked out, we can still cling to the memories. There is a deeper meaning behind this phenomenon. Below are a few key reasons it can be hard to let go of the ghosts of loves past.

1. Selective Memory

One reason we hold on to long-expired relationships is that when it comes to matters of the heart, our selective memory tends to kick in. We remember what brought us pleasure while avoiding the more painful memories. Over time, we may idealize the past, creating a distorted version of reality. Our memories focus solely on the highlights—those emotionally charged moments that made us feel good.

Such moments that elicit strong emotions, as a passionate first kiss, or our first intimate encounter, psychologists Roger Brown, Ph.D, and James Kulik, Ph.D., referred to as “flashbulb memories”. Due to the intensity of the emotional arousal at the moment of encoding, these moments are registered like photographs. As Brown and Kulik point out, although these memories are vivid, they are not always reliable. Significant details, like the reasons the relationship ended, can be conveniently erased from our recollection.

2. Nostalgia for Simpler Times

Sometimes, we hold on to old flames because they remind us of simpler times—when life felt carefree and full of possibilities. For example, memories of a first love or high school sweetheart are often tied to a time when we were younger and less burdened by adult responsibilities or emotional baggage. It is in our human nature to romanticize the past and reminisce about ‘the good old days’, when life seemed easier and we didn’t have a care in the world. These memories, tied to a time of innocence and freedom, can create a longing for a period of life that felt simple and more promising. We naturally seek comfort in happy recollections, avoiding the more painful or difficult parts of the past.

3. Something May Be Missing in Our Lives

Waxing nostalgia, while normal, may also indicate that something is missing from our present lives. If we’re currently feeling lonely or unfulfilled, the memories of past relationships may seem like the closest we can get to that emotional fulfillment. When we find ourselves pining for an old flame, it often reflects a deeper desire for love and intimacy.

In times of loneliness, these memories may offer temporary comfort and a sense of wholeness. However, relying on the past to fulfill our present emotional needs can hinder our growth. True fulfillment comes from building new connections, not from trying to recreate or revive past relationships that no longer serve us.

4. The Hope for Closure

Sometimes, we hold on to old flames because we feel like we never got closure. There are lingering questions, unspoken words, or unresolved emotions that we can’t quite shake. We might believe that reconnecting with an ex will finally provide the answers or closure we've been seeking. The hope is that by revisiting the past, we can gain some understanding or resolution that will allow us to move on with peace of mind. However, closure often doesn’t come from revisiting old relationships—it comes from within. We must find a way to make peace with the past on our own terms, without relying on an ex to provide the answers we seek.

Moving Forward

In the end, reflecting on past loves is a natural part of the human experience, shaped by our memories, desires, and longing for something more. Whether through selective memory, nostalgia for simpler times, or the hope of finding closure, we cling to the past because it feels familiar and comforting. However, it’s important to remember that the past is just that—the past. True healing and growth come from letting go of what no longer serves us and embracing the present and future with open arms.

Letting go of old flames isn’t easy, but it is an essential step toward personal growth and emotional fulfillment. By releasing the past, we make room for a future filled with possibilities and deeper, more meaningful connections that align with who we are today.