Friends
How Relationships Enrich Our Lives
Staying connected to our friends is a key factor in finding our happiness.
Posted March 19, 2021 Reviewed by Davia Sills
I’m sure most of us can relate to this scenario—you wake up feeling off, and you just don’t know why. So to combat that feeling, you call your friends to hang out. I’d bet that you felt loads better after spending time with the people you care about. But why does this happen? How do our close friends and family have the power to change an unhappy day into a happy day?
When I was at university, I didn’t initially have many close friends. I lived off-campus with my grandparents, who lived close by, so I didn’t have the opportunity to meet friends in the dorm. In an effort to meet more people, I joined an intramural soccer league, even though I’d never played soccer before. I was able to meet new people through this activity, and eventually, some of these people turned into good friends. Without these connections, my university experience would have been much lonelier.
Since then, I’ve done my best to stay connected with friends and family. One of the longest studies in history proved that staying connected to our friends and family is incredibly important to our happiness. This study, called the Harvard Study of Adult Development, began in 1938 and is still going on today. At the start, it had 724 participants, and today there are still 60 men remaining, all in their 90s. These men are from various economic backgrounds—some are from poor areas in Boston, and others are Harvard graduates. Over the decades, researchers collected information about their lives from the men and their families.
They found a direct association between happiness and close relationships. The men who were close with their family and friends expressed a higher quality of life and were happier. The researchers found that connections with close personal friends were mood boosters. They also discovered that isolation acted as a mood destabilizer. Men who engaged in positive, healthy relationships felt happier, and those who felt isolated or participated in negative relationships described feeling unhappy.
So what can we take away from this study? It reminds us to think about our own lives and relationships and think, "Am I making the time for close, positive relationships with family and friends?" If we’re not, it may be difficult for us to achieve happiness in our lives.
If this is the case, how do we stay better connected? And to take this one step further, how do we connect with good people? If you’re an extrovert, you may think that staying connected is easy! But many people are introverted, including me, and because of this, I have to be more intentional about reaching out to my friends and family. I love spending time alone, but I know that if it’s too much time, I start to feel isolated.
So for the sake of practicality, let’s talk about the steps you can take to find good friends and keep them.
The first thing you should do is assess the people you currently have in your life and see if there are any relationships that could be strengthened. Are there family members or friends that when you see them, you think, "I always feel better when I’m with that person; I should hang out with them more"?
To further explain this, I’m going to use an analogy involving fruits and vegetables. Everyone knows that they’re good for us, and we should try to eat them often for our health. We may have them available at our house or grocery store, but if we never eat them, we won’t reap the benefits.
It’s the same for people. We may have some really great people in our lives, but if we don’t make an effort to connect with them, we may not experience as much happiness and fulfillment. It’s important to reach out and stay connected because it’s good for the soul. But this does take time and effort—we must call our friends, find time to get together, or maybe even go on vacation with them.
There’s one thing that is important to think about when you start this process—these friends must be people who bring happiness to your life. There’s a noticeable difference in our bodies when we eat fried food versus when we eat fruits and veggies. After we eat the latter, we feel better. The same thing applies to our friends. They must be people who make us feel good. Over the years, I have learned to prioritize my friends and family who have a positive influence on me.
As we begin reaching out to these people, it might be helpful to take a look at how you come across to the people in your life. We not only want to find positive people that enrich our lives, but we want to be a positive influence for the people we care about as well. If we’re always a downer, people may not want to spend time with us.
After we’ve reached out to the people already in our lives, it’s time to widen the net. The best way we can do this is by doing things that we’re passionate about and meeting friends with similar interests. For example, I met one of my best friends at a hiking club event many years ago. We were out hiking, and he and I formed a fast friendship. We started spending time together outside of the group, which only further strengthened our relationship. He has moved away since then, but we still dedicate time to see each other many times a year and speak to each other often.
Another way I’ve cultivated relationships is through my love of meditation. I used to hold meditation groups in my home and have since moved these events to my office in Newport. Through these events, I’ve met some great friends who share a passion for meditation, like me.
To review, staying connected to our friends is a key factor in finding our happiness. If we don’t have people in our lives already that we can call friends, we can find groups or activities that appeal to us and seek out people with similar interests. At these groups, we might have to take a risk and invite someone we connect with to hang out outside of the group by asking them to lunch or coffee. It can feel scary to put yourself out there, but most people enjoy meeting new people too! And we can remind ourselves that the risk will be worth the reward because good friends increase our overall well-being.
I want to add one thing that the study did not mention—animals are also important to our happiness! Our pets can be some of the best friends we’ll ever have. It’s important to state that they shouldn’t be the only friend or interactions we have, but they can bring a lot of joy to our lives. They provide comfort and nourish our souls, just like people.
Pets may also help us find connections with people. Let’s say, for example, that you’re out walking your dog, or you bring them to a dog park. You may meet someone who is also out with their dog, and it’s easy to strike up a conversation with someone who has similar interests. Remember The Lady and the Tramp? It’s about two owners who each have a dog, and the dogs fall in love with each other, and so do the owners!
Life gets busy, and we’re often met with obstacles and challenges that can distract us from taking the time to nurture our relationships. And even if we do maintain our connections with friends and family, because of impermanence, we need to make sure we make space for new people too. It may take time to fully develop this muscle of understanding the importance of friendships and relationships, but when we do, it will be like second nature for us to make time for the connections that enrich our souls.
