Is Your Ex a Sociopath?

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Listen, I've been there.

I've had painful breakups after bad relationships and wondered if that person might be... well... a sociopath. We often ask ourselves questions like: Did they care about breaking up with me? Are they even sad about it? Why did they move on so quickly? Was it all a lie?

But before we casually armchair diagnose your ex with a pretty serious personality disorder and risk engaging in weaponized therapy speak, let's first define what "being a sociopath" actually means.

What Are Traits of a Sociopath?

In the psychology manual for disorders (called the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or the DSM), there is no diagnosis of "sociopath." This term refers to someone who has traits that are consistent with Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD).

There are seven criteria for ASPD, and a person needs to meet at least three to receive the diagnosis. The criteria are: failing to obey laws and social norms (often resulting in getting arrested), lying or manipulating others for their own gain or just their enjoyment, acting impulsively, being aggressive (often getting into physical altercations, for example), not caring about the safety of others, being consistently irresponsible, and showing no remorse for how their actions impact others.

For someone to be diagnosed with ASPD, they need to be 18 years or older and meet the criteria for conduct disorder before age 15, and we also have to rule out that their antisocial behaviors aren't occurring because of another condition like schizophrenia or bipolar disorder.

How's It Looking for Your Ex?

This diagnosis is no small thing to assign to someone; it means a person is acting in ways that blatantly break our societal norms. Sociopaths break laws without a second thought. They act in their self-interest without caring about how it impacts others. They're generally impulsive, cruel, exploitative, reckless, aggressive, and manipulative. Plus, they lack remorse, which is the criterion that we often cling to when armchair diagnosing our exes.

When we've decided our ex has ASPD, we tend to overlook other critical features, such as evidence of this disorder being present for years (often decades) and impacting all their close relationships, not just ours. In other words, your ex didn't become a sociopath during and after the breakup or act like one just with you; they have to exhibit these traits since childhood and present as sociopathic in all parts of their life.

Unless your ex meets the criteria listed above, chances are that as frustrating, irrational, and uncaring as they might have been, your ex is probably not a sociopath. Humans who are decidedly not sociopaths can still exhibit the characteristics of sociopaths, of course, which is why diagnosis can be so challenging.

For example, I'm betting that you have lied before ("I was home before curfew!"), broken a minor law that seemed inconsequential (anyone jay walk or roll through a stop sign at night?), acted impulsively (buying that shirt that was way too pricey but looked amazing), or made a decision that was right for you but really hurt someone you cared about. We all have degrees of these traits, but that doesn't make us antisocial in the clinical sense.

It's a tough thing to accept — good people can do bad things and still be good people. Truly decent people can lie, cheat, or end relationships in harsh ways. Their actions aren't good, but they may still be good people (and also not sociopaths.)

So, Why Do We Wish That Exes Were Sociopaths?

Now this is the really interesting question we usually don't ask ourselves. Why does it feel better thinking our former love is a sociopath?

We wish our exes were psychologically troubled because it would make us feel better about ourselves. It is incredibly painful to realize and accept that someone we loved is a normal person with normal feelings who just didn't want to be with us. It gives us an explanation for how they could have hurt us in whatever ways they did. And it's hard to believe that this person is also suffering post-breakup because we just don't get to see it.

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It's so much easier to say that our ex is an emotionless sociopath who cares about no one and nothing. It's easier to say that we're so much better off now without them, instead of admitting that we miss them. It's easier to say that they're awful, unfeeling, and cruel than to say that we're heartbroken and confused and wish they would still be with us.

Calling our exes sociopaths puts the blame solely on them. They are the reason things didn't work out. They have serious psychological problems, and we certainly didn't do anything wrong. This perspective, while relieving, also robs us of the opportunity to self-examine and explore what we could do differently in our next relationship.

But There's a Chance, Right?

Yes, despite all this, there's a chance your ex is a sociopath. The DSM estimates that 0.2-3.3% of the population has ASPD, and maybe your former partner falls into that category. This is more likely if you see a pattern of this behavior going back into childhood that's caused serious issues, such as physical altercations or jail time.

It's understandable that thinking that they're a sociopath may help you get through the breakup, just don't cling to this likely inaccurate diagnosis forever. You'll need to see them as a nuanced, complex person eventually, and then reflect on your part of why the relationship didn't work so that you can gain insight and grow.