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Key points
- Sometimes we have to face the fact that we don’t know our grown children as well as we think.
- Sudden and extreme shifts in personality or behavior can be a red flag.
- Parents often hesitate to step in, fearing they’ll overstep or strain the relationship.
Despite our best efforts, sometimes we have to face the fact that we don’t know our grown children as well as we think. Nonetheless, we must remain vigilant for signs that they may struggle in ways we haven’t yet understood.
When shocking news emerges, like the recent case of a high-achieving adult child accused of the tragic murder of a noted executive, it forces us to confront uncomfortable realities. While extreme behavior like this is rare, it underscores an important truth: no one has a perfect life. Beneath the surface of success or stability, some adult children may grapple with struggles their parents fail to see.
As a parent coach, I have seen how parents want to believe their adult children are thriving. But sometimes, subtle changes or behaviors signal deeper issues. Recognizing these signs early can make all the difference. Here are three warning signs that your adult child is struggling—and practical tips on how to help.
1. Drastic Personality Shifts
It’s natural for people to change as they grow, but sudden and extreme shifts in personality or behavior can be a red flag. Perhaps your once easygoing child, like 28-year-old Nathan, has become inexplicably irritable or withdrawn. When his mother, Tessa, noticed he no longer returned her calls or avoided family gatherings, she initially dismissed it as a busy work life. Over time, however, his mood swings and isolation worsened.
What You Can Do: Avoid jumping to conclusions or making accusatory statements like, “Why are you acting so strange?” Instead, express curiosity and concern. For example, say, “I’ve noticed you seem more distant lately. Is everything okay? I’m here if you want to talk.” Offering support without judgment can open the door to meaningful conversations.
2. Persistent Financial or Career Instability
Repeated job losses, unexplained financial crises, or a lack of motivation to pursue goals can indicate more profound struggles. Consider Sofia, a 35-year-old who appeared to have it all together until her mother, Elena, discovered she was borrowing money from friends to cover rent. Sofia’s excuses about workplace conflicts and lousy luck masked underlying anxiety and depression that were sabotaging her success.
What You Can Do: Encourage your child to share their challenges without judgment. Suggest seeking professional support, whether through therapy or financial counseling. Frame it as a team effort: “Let’s figure out how to get you the resources you need to feel more stable.”
3. Engaging in Risky or Self-Destructive Behaviors
Risky behavior, such as substance abuse, reckless spending, or unhealthy relationships, can be a cry for help. When 30-year-old Marcus started posting erratic social media updates and partying excessively, his father, Greg, chalked it up to a phase. Only after Marcus was arrested for a DUI did Greg realize the seriousness of the situation.
What You Can Do: Set clear, compassionate boundaries. Let your child know you’re concerned about their well-being and are willing to support them, but only if they take active steps to address their behavior. For instance, “I’m worried about your drinking. I’ll help you get help, but I can’t ignore how this affects your health and safety.”
Why This Matters More Than Ever
There have been high-profile cases of the downfall of seemingly successful adult children that remind us that external appearances can be deceiving. While most adult children won’t spiral into extreme situations, ignoring early warning signs can lead to significant struggles. Parents often hesitate to step in, fearing they’ll overstep or strain the relationship. However, approaching your child with empathy and support can make a profound difference.
Tips for Parents
Stay Connected: Consistent check-ins show you care even if your child resists. Keep the lines of communication open.
Seek Outside Help: When needed, don’t hesitate to involve professionals. Therapists, support groups, and counselors can provide insight and resources.
Prioritize Your Mental Health: Supporting a struggling child can be emotionally taxing. Make time for self-care and seek your support system.
While it’s heartbreaking to imagine your child in crisis, facing these challenges head-on with love and compassion can pave the way for healing. Remember, no one’s life is perfect, including your child’s. By recognizing the signs of struggle, you can be the lifeline they need to navigate life’s most challenging moments.
