Giving Your Partner Feedback Without Provoking Defensiveness

Key points:

• Criticism is often a source of friction in relationships, but there are ways to convey an important concern to a partner without inviting conflict.
• When you decide to raise an issue, approach them with positive intent, communicate clearly, and remain supportive and engaged.
• When a partner responds, be empathetic to their viewpoint, reflect on what they say, and, even if they do not agree, thank them for listening and considering your feedback and leave the door open to return to the topic.

Relationships are not easy—we all know this. We know in our heads that our partners aren’t mindreaders. Yet, “Why doesn’t he get it?” or “If only she didn’t nag me,” are just two of the many complaints that echo the frustration of dissatisfied people in intimate relationships all across the land.

It seems that everywhere we turn, we see and hear about unhappy people and their unhappiness stems largely from what they feel is missing in their intimate relationships. We overhear complaints about relationships in grocery store lines, restaurants, waiting rooms, even at the dry cleaners (“He’s so picky, he even likes his polo shirts dry cleaned”).

Once, on a warm beautiful day, I climbed Squaw Peak in Arizona. There I was, getting directly in touch with Mother Nature, hiking up this scenic mountain when, to my astonishment, I heard some hikers complaining about their spouses and significant others as they passed by! There’s no escaping relationship angst—even in the wilderness.

When it comes right down to it, we just want to feel loved, understood, accepted, and appreciated. Naturally, we look to our intimate relationships to meet these needs but more and more often, we end up feeling disappointed and let down. So many people are going about life like the “walking wounded” because they don’t feel fulfilled by their intimate relationships.

Giving Feedback Often Gets Us Into Conflicts

There is not shorter onramp to the Conflict Expressway than being perceived by your partner as criticizing them. Yet, we know that avoiding expressing ourselves is not a healthy thing to do in our intimate relationships. When you hold in discussing issues that are important to you, you then put yourself on the Bottle It Up And Explode Later Plan—this does not end up well. This is based on how we often experience multiple feelings at the same time, which I further discuss in my book, The Anxiety, Depression, and Anger Toolbox for Teens. And nothing gets our emotions flowing more than conflicts in our intimate relationships.

So what can you do if you need to tell your partner about something they are doing that you struggle with? How can you do so without causing a fight (e.g., "All you do is criticize me!", or having them shut down and get passive-aggressive (e.g., "Fine, sure, I'll keep working on being perfect, I'm used to it by now").

Here Get Your Point Across Without Poking Your Partner

1. Lead with a positive intention. Tell your partner that you appreciate them and value working to enhance your relationship. It is important to make deposits in emotional bank accounts prior to making what may be perceived as withdrawals.
2. Be clear. Say what you mean. Imagine that you are a reporter and that it’s important that people understand the information. If your partner distorts what you say, gently reassure that you want to hear each other out and then repeat your concern just as you said it the first time.
3. Use a supportive, engaged tone. The non-verbal part of the message you’re delivering plays a huge influence. The inflection in your voice, your facial expressions, posture, all comprised your conscious and unconscious body language. These perceptible cues carry emotional weight in a difficult conversation. Yes, it is hard to use a neutral tone when your emotions are running high. That’s why it helps to practice ahead of time, so you’re used to hearing it.
4. Be empathetic. Let your partner know that it is not easy to pass on your concerns and that you appreciate that discussing challenging topics is likely unpleasant for them.
5. Reflect what they are saying and reinforce the value of constructive conversation. For example, you may say, "Okay, I hear we see this differently. Would you agree that if we continue to discuss this in a calm, constructive manner it will benefit both of us?"
6. Even if your partner does not agree with you, thank them for the conversation. Using the strategies above will maximize the chances that your partner can hear and accept your feedback. That said, research shows that about 70 percent of conflicts between couples do not get resolved. So, keep in mind that even if your partner does not agree with you, if you avoid stoking up their emotional reactivity, that will more likely help them percolate and consider your feedback later on.