The Difference Between Guilt and Regret

Ariel Dorfman has suffered for 50 years from irrational guilt because he did not die in Chile on Sept. 11, 1973, the day that a military junta overthrew Salvador Allende (“The Regret That Haunted Me for 50 Years,” New York Times, January 6, 2025). Entranced by Allende, Dorfman was Allende’s chief of staff on cultural and press issues, and one of his duties included sleeping one night each week on watch duty. He was scheduled for the night of Monday, Sept. 10, and would have been present on the morning of the 11th, but he asked a friend to switch days with him. His friend Claudio gladly accepted and was murdered by the military junta that overthrew Allende.

Source: Roberta Satow

Dorfman uses the word “regret,” but what he is talking about is irrational guilt. Guilt is when you feel you have done something wrong and it makes you feel bad about yourself. Rational guilt is when you DID do something wrong; irrational guilt is when you did not do anything wrong but feel responsible for it anyway.

Regret is when you wish you had done something different, but you do not necessarily feel bad about yourself as a result. Regret is not turning on the self, although it might involve forgoing an opportunity that would have made you feel better about yourself.

In an earlier blog, I wrote about the film One Life, which depicts Nicholas Winton's visit to Prague in December 1938 and January 1939, shortly before the Nazi takeover of all of Czechoslovakia. He identified hundreds of Jewish children who needed safe homes. Upon his return to London, “Nicky” and his mother, Babi Winton, worked to procure the necessary paperwork, funding, and homes for the children. Around 6,000 people are estimated to be alive today due to the Wintons’ and others' efforts in the Prague Rescue.

The last train that Winton and his team organized was supposed to leave Prague on September 1, 1939, but Germany invaded Poland and set off World War II. The Nazis did not allow the train to leave Prague.
From the point of view of a psychoanalyst, the movie is about irrational guilt and the difficulty of forgiving oneself for something one has no control over. Winton saved almost 700 children, but he could not save the ones on that last train, reflected in all the old boxes that fill his office. Winton piles old typewriters and anything that “might be useful” in his living room to give to people who might need it. Despite his wife’s pleas to “let it go,” he was still grappling with his guilt; he could not forgive himself.

Similarly, Dorfman has been unable to forgive himself for 50 years. He says, “when the time came to prove my enduring commitment, I had failed to show up.” The military junta murdered Allende and Claudio; they took Claudio away from his wife and family, not Dorfman. Dorfman turned on himself; he has not been suffering from regret, but from irrational guilt.

Many people spend a lifetime blaming themselves for things over which they had no control. As horrible as it is to live with the pain of feeling responsible for a tragedy, I have come to understand that for some people, the pain of self-blame is preferable to facing their powerlessness. Irrational guilt is related to a fantasized sense of power. To forgive themselves, they would have to give up their sense of control. Horrible things happen and we have no control over them; accepting our powerlessness opens the road to healing.