They Cry, We Laugh

Laughing and crying seem to have a special, if slightly confusing, affinity for one another. Most of us have had the experience of laughing and crying simultaneously. Sometimes the expression of both emotions is also combined, but from different individuals, with one person responding with laughter to someone else who is crying.

Source: Vika Glitter / Pexels

At first glance, this seems a rather heartless reaction. And this is certainly the case in some instances. If we are focused on someone who is crying as a consequence of their own bad behavior or malevolent intent, someone who is—in that moment, at least—deserving of scorn and shaming, then laughing at them might indeed be justified. This sort of “Lowering Laughter” is something I’ve discussed at length and not all that hard to understand. It’s meant to remind the one crying that they are more vulnerable than they once thought, to bring them back into compliance with the in-group directives and philosophy, or to exclude them altogether.

What appears much more perplexing is the laughter that comes about when both the one laughing and the one crying are on friendly terms. Why would someone in emotional pain or turmoil ever want to hear a companion laugh in response? And why would that friend or family member think it a proper use of this expression?

According to my Mutual Vulnerability Theory of Laughter (Simon 2020), crying is typically understood as an expression of a moderate to intense level of personal vulnerability. If, however, the crying is perceived by others as a reaction to something that is substantially less than serious, the expression itself could easily be perceived as representing an emotional vulnerability—an overreaction.

In essence, their crying would appear somehow inappropriate, or unexpected, or out of place, or a bit more intense than seems reasonable given the circumstances. In such instances, laughing sympathetically with them would be completely justified. And, in most cases, welcome. This is the supportive “Lifting Laughter” so common among close allies, colleagues, and even new acquaintances. It says in effect, “I understand what you’re going through. I’ve felt that way too. And I’m here for you.” In essence, mutual vulnerability.

Source: Liza Summer / Pexels

It’s not hard to think of examples where such a dynamic plays out. Young children are prone to crying at the slightest provocation; their parents and caregivers will often smile and gently laugh as a rejoinder. Older children, when faced with unfamiliar or potentially threatening circumstances, often become frightened. They will let out a cry in search of a comforting word or touch. Some light-hearted laughter and verbal reassurances will lessen their anxiety.

Crying can also be a response to positive emotional turmoil, even in adults. Joy, pride, relief, and jubilation can prompt tears as readily as does sadness; one need only search online for “soldier coming home” videos to see this dynamic in full display. Again, if the crying that results is deemed uncalled-for, or calls out for only mild support, that role can be filled nicely with laughter.

Of course, sometimes the one crying and the one laughing are not on the same page. The motives behind one’s laughter are not always clear. Even the gentlest, most benign expression might not be received in the spirit it is offered. Such misreads, I suspect, are much more the exception than the rule, especially among those who know each other well. Still, it would seem prudent to respond to crying strangers with restraint until the reason for their tears can be fully assessed. (The “happy” ones will likely be mixed with smiles.)

Some great examples of lifting laughter being offered to those who are crying can be found in these YouTube shorts. I suspect all will seem an appropriate use of this amazingly versatile vocalization. Enjoy.

Busted Can of Biscuits

Peek at a Pig

Happy Hearing

Birthday Girl

© John Charles Simon