Why Your Emotions "Leak" and What to Do About It

Emotions are powerful, complex, and necessary. In fact, it's often emotions that keep us alive. That feeling of fear you get when you see a snake is an emotion, and it comes from the part of the brain (the amygdala) that is responsible for sending messages to fight, flee, fawn, or freeze.

When we experience emotions, they don’t just stay trapped in our minds and bodies. Even when we are consciously (or unconsciously) suppressing them, they may leak out in subtle, yet noticeable ways. We may think that we are hiding them or burying them, but we usually aren’t.

What Is Emotional Leakage?

Emotional leakage is the unconscious oozing out of emotions that we are trying to keep under wraps. Remember that communication is verbal and non-verbal. Just because you aren’t verbally articulating your emotions doesn’t mean that your non-verbal body language isn’t giving them away.

Our feelings can leak out in our facial expressions, tone, mannerisms, body language, etc. The tenseness in your shoulders (which pushes them up to your ears), the bouncing leg, the tapping foot, the bitten nails—these are signals that your unconscious is trying to get you help even when your conscious mind is trying to hold you together.

Emotions are like water. If there’s a crack in the foundation, water will find a way in. Its very job is to flow/move. Emotions are no different.

Research from 2022 backs up the theory that emotions leak. Zhao et al. (2022) used electroencephalography to determine how the brain reacts when we attempt to suppress our emotions. Their findings confirm that suppressed feelings lead to detectable, involuntary leaks in our brain network patterns and that these “microexpressions” aren’t just behavioral. They have a biological basis in our brains.

Why We Suppress Emotions

Here are a few common reasons we suppress our feelings.

• Fear of judgement: Sometimes we get worried that others will shame us, disagree with us, or see us differently if we are honest about our feelings. For instance, what would people think if they learned that you don’t love being a caregiver for an aging parent, but you do it out of obligation?
• Safety: For some of us, we have learned that it’s not safe to share our feelings verbally because they may be weaponized against us or because we could get hurt (physically or emotionally) for expressing them. This is typically related to a trauma response.
• Socialization: At some point, we may have learned that our feelings are not appropriate given who we are or our roles. For example, you might have learned that women shouldn’t feel sexual feelings if they aren’t married, or that men shouldn’t desire being held. Perhaps you learned that mothers shouldn’t feel overwhelmed by the duties associated with motherhood and that your predominant feeling should be gratitude.
• Avoidance: When feelings are too intense or hard to manage, we tend to avoid or deny them. Ignoring them can help us momentarily, but it doesn’t help in the long run.

The problem is that suppressing our feelings can intensify them. And if we do that long enough, those feelings can transition to a chronic problem.

In other words, when we suppress feelings of sadness, they can get magnified. If we do that for months and years, it can transition to a chronic problem like depression. Additionally, suppressed emotions can lead to psychosomatic problems (e.g., migraines, stomach issues, unexplained pain), chronic stress, and irritability.

If we refuse to attend to our emotions, they will spill out in ways we don't expect.

Source: Kaboompics / Pexels

Spotting Your Own Emotional Leakage

If we refuse to attend to our emotions, they will spill out in ways we don't expect.

Most of our leakage is unconscious, so we have no idea that it’s happening. However, if you tune into your body, you may be able to notice it. Here are a few signs:

• Body tension: Clenched fists, raised shoulders, and tight jaws
• Fidgeting: Tapping fingers or feet, constant knuckle cracking, picking with fingers/biting nails
• Voice changes: Higher octaves in the voice; rapid speech
• Facial nuances: Twitching, blinking, itching

Emotional Leaking and Intimacy

Your leakage and your intimate connections are likely related in one of these ways:

1. Your relationship is creating suppressed emotions that are leaking back into the relationship.
2. Your relationship is creating suppressed emotions that are leaking into other areas of your life.
3. Other areas of your life are creating suppressed emotions that are leaking into your relationship.
4. A combination of some or all of the above items

Here’s what this might look like:

• Lying: Saying “I’m fine” when you aren’t but then displaying hostility in your face or in how you carry out your tasks (e.g., slamming doors, talking under your breath, or intense eye gazes—all while being “fine”).

• Quick escalation: Using a tone or words with your partner that can trigger defensiveness in them.

• Lack of emotional connection: You may be so consumed with your own emotions that you can’t create space and energy for others’ emotions, and they can feel your emotional absence.

Emotion Regulation Essential Reads

The 5-Second Hack That Can Change Your Life

Staying on Course Through Emotional Storms

Because leakage is a sign that you have unfinished business, the best thing for you to do is to finish that business. Reach out to a therapist who can help you unpack your trauma history or the ways in which you have been socialized into silence. Alternatively, mindfulness is a great way for you to start tuning into your leakage.

Lastly, consider adjusting the relationships where you have to do the most suppression. You may not need to end those relationships, but you may need to have an honest conversation. If you have to suppress your emotions, it’s going to lead to more problems for you—and no relationship is worth that.

When life doesn’t add up, start subtracting.