Queen Elizabeth II: To Know Her Was to Love Her

To know, know, know him

Is to love, love, love him

And I do.

—To Know Him is to Love Him, The Teddy Bears

Knowing

I knew Queen Elizabeth. I loved Queen Elizabeth. I never met Queen Elizabeth, and I never will.

My mom knows me. My husband knows me. My best girlfriends know me. You know me.

We all know some people whom we have met in person. And we also don't know them. Knowing a person doesn't mean knowing all of them. Sometimes you can know more about a person you connect with from a distance in space and time more than you know a person you have seen in person many times.

I Feel I Know You

When it comes to social life, people generally share the opinion that the people that you have spent time with, or at least have physically met, are the people you really know. Those you have never met, including celebrities and even fictional characters, aren't people you know.

I study something called parasocial relationships, a type of relationship that happens when you know someone mostly or entirely from a distance. Sometimes that person is a fictional character who, presumably, mostly goes dormant when the actor or writer goes on with their personal life.

Research tells us some things about parasocial relationships. One thing that research demonstrates is that when a beloved character in a story dies in the story, those who loved them mourn the loss. Likewise, when a beloved person—whether a Hollywood star, a beloved singer, or a head of state—dies, those who connected with them feel a real loss.

Taboo

There's a cultural taboo that persists that, in essence, begins by doubting whether you can know someone you haven't seen in the flesh. The taboo also casts some shame on anyone who is under the seeming delusion that they had a relationship that they lost. Some mock the afflicted seeing mourners cry about losing, for example, Elvis or Princess Diana.

Connecting

Psychologists who study relationships and bonding discovered that there are some ways we judge how close we are to someone. Close friends, for example, practice "disclosure," which everyday people describe with other words such as sharing secrets or being candid or vulnerable. When you tell your secrets or tell what you're really feeling that you wouldn't tell just anyone, you are building a friendship. Friends who interact mutually disclose—the sharing is on both sides. Friends also support or help each other.

Generally, friends are people you like and enjoy, though you don't necessarily like everything about them or like them all the time. Generally, being attractive is one thing that draws friends to us. Having good social skills tends to facilitate the development of friendships.

Distance and Closeness

Why would I argue that you can have a genuine relationship, such as a friendship, with a public figure or character? As a social psychologist, I argue this because I think it helps us understand more about relationships if we can understand their diversity. I'm not arguing that you should break up with all of your friends and only connect with people from a distance. That would be bad advice as well as absurd. We need friends in our real lives for a host of reasons including the richness that comes from social interactions and the practicality of having people around who help us and get help from us.

What I am suggesting is that a healthy life can be made healthier by connecting with people such as leaders, poets, artists, and even fictional characters, from afar.

Her Majesty, The Queen

Like many people, I felt close to the Queen for reasons that should surprise no one. She was beautiful, strong, loyal, hard-working, and good at her job. She was an extraordinary woman who faced situations that would have made lesser humans run away, shriek, or pass out, and she faced them with grace and dignity.

Because many are interested in an intriguing figure like a Queen, an attractive actor, or a singer, they are often interviewed and written about so that we come to know many details about their personal lives, including intimate details such as feelings about challenges in their lives. In ways, this mirrors the experience of having a friend who discloses intimate details of their life to you. Because people who we aren't particularly close to do not disclose to us, we end up meeting many people in person to whom we are not close and connecting with a number of people from a distance to whom we do feel close.

I know some facts about the Queen. Her father, the King, was not meant to be King (his brother abdicated the throne). Her father died young, leaving young Elizabeth the crown before she expected to have it handed down to her. She immediately set about communicating to the public, even in her personal grief, that she absolutely committed her life to public service. She then spent 70 years demonstrating that commitment.

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I know she was madly in love with her husband, Prince Philip, from a young age. I know it because I've been told the story many times by different people. I've seen her relatives interviewed. I have also seen the look on her face when, as a young lady, she gazed upon the beautiful Philip. I also know some of the Queen's regrets and her attitudes.

When there is footage of a strong, beautiful person who takes on extraordinary pressure and handles it admirably—when you can observe her from birth to death through countless pictures, voice recordings, and videos—you can learn about a person.

Queen Elizabeth was a singular person. It's not surprising that I, like so many, felt connected to her—felt a kinship. Being of some British descent, I felt connected to her and her ancestors through actual blood ties. I am not in line for the throne, but I did have real ancestors who were born and lived their lives in Great Britain. I feel connected to them, though I have also never met them.

My message here is to open up to possibilities when it comes to deep, meaningful connections. Don't be so quick to draw a hard, fast line between all people you have spoken to in person and all people you have never met. Once in a while, think about all the people you have met with whom you have almost no meaningful connection. And think of all the ones you love, know, and admire deeply. These are the contours of a well-lived social life.