When Depression Feels Too Big

"I was going to cancel this session with you because I didn’t think I would be able to speak," said Mehan, blinking at me uncertainly from his Zoom screen. "It is the first time in two days I’ve opened the curtains. I’ve hardly got out of bed; the depression is so bad."

Source: Mehrad Vosoughi/Pexels

I had seen Mehan once before, in my capacity as one of the counselors for his university. We had addressed the paralyzing anxiety he had felt, largely the legacy of an extremely overbearing father for whom the actions, efforts, and opinions of his four children had never measured up to the overly rigorous standards he set.

"I’ve had depression a lot in my life," Mehan revealed now. "I think I need to see a psychiatrist to be diagnosed and get this chemical imbalance sorted out."

"You don’t need to see a psychiatrist, and you don’t have a chemical imbalance—that is all a myth," I responded firmly. "Depression results from needs not being met and/or innate resources not being used correctly. So what has been happening to you, Mehan?"

Mehan proceeded to tell me that six days ago, his eldest sister and mother had rung him in panic from their home in the Middle East to say that his younger sister had gone missing. The father had been insisting on an arranged marriage with a man she disliked. The eldest sister had herself been cajoled into an unhappy arranged marriage with a man equally as overbearing as her father. Now pregnant with a child who would likely suffer at the hands of his father just as they had with theirs, she wanted to protect the younger girl.

Mehan had spent hours on the phone to his hysterical family, trying to offer help and to calm them, and also remonstrating with his father, whom he was now prepared to stand up to. Fortunately, the sister had come safely home, but Mehan could not shake off his sense of helplessness and hopelessness. He had been writing up a research project for his final exams when the situation had first blown up and, because of the extra two days spent unable to function, he had had to send in seriously substandard work to meet the deadline. He was likely to fail, with far-reaching effects on his future career.

I experienced a moment of overwhelm at his circumstances—a dutiful and sensitive eldest son, who would probably feel the need throughout his life to prioritize trying to shield loved family members from opinionated patriarchal figures. How could I possibly ameliorate his harsh situation? And then I immediately narrowed down that thinking.

"Did you ask for a deadline extension in the event of circumstances beyond your control?"

"I didn’t know I could."

"You can. And, what’s more, because you have submitted, showing you have done the work, it is very probable, although not guaranteed, that you will be granted it. Can you complete this project to the level you want within a week?"

"Absolutely!"

"Then I am happy to supply a letter of support to submit with your application."

And suddenly, this young man who, an hour ago, had felt uncertain that he could even get his mouth to form sentences was in a completely different mental space. We discussed how he would start work immediately on another assignment he needed to complete so that the decks would be cleared for his research project if given the go-ahead. We agreed that he would get up at his normal time and exercise, as that got his brain into gear, and that he would stock up on healthy, ready meals so that he could ensure he ate properly while working.

He did get the extension. I checked in with him midweek to remind him that if anything further kicked off in his family, he must do what he practically could to help and then mentally park the problem so that he could continue to work effectively. I pointed out that in his highly volatile family situation, it was likely to be learning to apply throughout his life. He replied that he would do exactly that, having recognized that letting situations affect him beyond his ability to change them just stopped him from living fully.

Two days later, he emailed proudly to say that he had submitted his project, completed to his satisfaction. How easy it would have been to succumb to the hopelessness of depression in circumstances with no seeming end. And yet, focusing on finding something practical to do in the present to change one element of his story led the depression to dissipate completely. It was a powerful reminder of a basic Human-Givens understanding—do something to make a difference now.