Relationships
The Formula for a Successful Relationship Check-In
Five steps to boost the health of your relationship.
Posted February 3, 2025 Reviewed by Lybi Ma
Key points
- Relationship check-ins can be daunting if you don't know what to ask one another.
- The relationship check-in should share a positive, share a need, and check on the relationship.
- Making it enjoyable will make it more likely you want to check in with your partner.
Relationship check-ins are a great way to invest in the health of relationships. One of the most common barriers that come up about implementing a regular check-in is not knowing what to talk about during these conversations. Our brains tend to do better when we know what to expect and can prepare; there is a routine involved that helps the check-ins feel safe, manageable, and even enjoyable. Here is my formula for a great relationship check-in.
- Share a Positive: Starting your check-in with something positive is a great way to build connection in your relationship, nurture your fondness and admiration for your partner, and help the check-in feel good. One of my favorite positive questions is to ask: “How did I love you the best since our last check-in?” This allows both partners to share something specific they noticed their partner does for them or their relationship and also allows both people to learn about what makes one another feel loved and cared for. Other positive options: share a time since the last check-in when you felt love or admiration for your partner, or share a favorite moment where you felt particularly connected with your partner.
- Share a Need: This is designed to help you connect with your partner by setting expectations for what you need in the upcoming week. We often expect our partners to be mind readers or to just know what we need. What support, love, and nurturing look like can be very different for different people. You might ask each other: “What can I do to support you or make you feel loved over the next week?” This gives each person a specific way to invest in their partner and the relationship over the next week, something that will make a true impact. It also allows both people to be in tune with what is coming up for their partner. Perhaps one partner has a big work presentation; support might mean extra time to prep. Or maybe one partner is looking forward to an event, and support may mean sharing in the excitement. Whatever is coming up, sharing your needs and tailoring your support can help partners stay connected; each partner is in synch with the other’s life.
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Check on the Relationship: This may be a “temperature check." It's helpful to see where your relationship is in general; you can celebrate times that feel good or notice if there is a trend toward more difficulty. You might use a 1 to 10 scale:
1 = Things are feeling bad or feeling close to a relationship breaking point
10 = Things feel great or one of the best seasons of the relationshipYou can also use a weather rating to describe the state of the relationship. For example:
It’s mostly sunny with a few clouds, meaning things are pretty good but there are a few issues to address
We are having thunderstorms most days to indicate a week with a lot of fights.Any scale works, if it is agreed upon between both partners.
Several check-ins with lower ratings might indicate the need for a discussion of how to help things feel better. Or it might be worth seeking out a couple’s therapist to help resolve some issues arising. Most couples wait 2.68 years from the onset of issues to start therapy, at which point it can be more difficult to make changes. Addressing problems when they first show up is key.
- Catch-All Question: This last question can be customized and based on what is going on in your relationship. If something is going on in the relationship, you may benefit from talking about it regularly—like planning a wedding or vacation, a house remodel, or an ongoing difficulty. This question can be used to check in on that topic, share updates, and create a plan for what needs to be done before the next check-in. If there are no pressing, ongoing topics to address you might ask: “Is there anything else you want to talk about?” This may help you or your partner talk about anything else that could come up during the week.
- Set the Scene: We are more likely to do things that we enjoy doing. Instead of the check-in feeling like a task, we can help our brains remember to do this and feel motivated to do this by creating something fun or connecting around the check-in. You could try a new restaurant each week and have the check-in during appetizers. Or maybe you look forward to watching your favorite show together; have the check-in half an hour before the show, snuggled up together under a favorite blanket. Maybe you love to hike, and the check-in happens when you find a lovely place to stop, rest, and enjoy the scenery. Whatever sounds fun and connects you and your partner, build this into the setting of your check-in to help it be something you look forward to, especially in the beginning when starting this routine can feel new or awkward. Check-ins tend to work best when done regularly (once a week or once a month, for example). Pick something that you might enjoy together regularly.
References
Dohert, W. J., Harris, S. M., Hall, E. J., & Hubbard, A. K. (2021). How long do people wait before seeking couples therapy: A research note. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 47(4), 8822-890. doi://10.1111/jmft.12479
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