Sex
Sexual Myths That Undermine Relationships
When it comes to sex and relationships, don't let myths erode your satisfaction.
Posted February 3, 2025 Reviewed by Devon Frye
Key points
- Sexual misconceptions could be harming your relationship.
- Updating your sexual knowledge could help you let go of potentially harmful myths.
- Open communication with your partner is likely to improve your sexual relationship.
A lot of couples I work with who are working on sexual intimacy goals get stuck on the myth that orgasms must happen to have good sex.
I remember one discussion a couple was having while navigating changes in their bodies. One partner said sex was meaningless without an orgasm.
We explored that belief—and they eventually realized how meaningful each part of their sexual connection was. The orgasm being the main event was just something they had picked up from the culture. Taking the pressure of an orgasm out of the equation was a key to this couple finding sexual satisfaction again.
It’s important to look at your own sexual beliefs from other perspectives sometimes. Research suggests that addressing misconceptions can lead to better relationships (Tiefer 2019). Science can debunk many outright myths—but also, not every person is the same, and it's important to recognize that something that's true for other people may not be true for you. And ultimately, open communication with your partner is the most effective way to challenge these misconceptions.
Myth 1: "Men want sex more than women."
This myth is most often an issue for heterosexual couples, but same-sex couples may also repeat it. I’ve heard it used both to question why a man doesn’t have a constant interest in sex and why a woman would have a higher interest in sex.
Yet this claim just isn’t true, and it's perpetuated by harmful stereotypes about genders. Any gender can have any type of libido—it’s all normal. Studies on gender differences in sexual desire have found that while hormonal differences can influence libido, they do not determine a fixed level of desire for any gender (Mark & Lasslo 2018). That study also found that societal expectations, cultural narratives, and individual psychological factors are what shape libido not being born a certain gender.
For those interested in learning more, Come Together by Emily Nagoski is a great book about the topic.
Myth 2: "Good sex is spontaneous."
“I don’t want to plan sex—it won’t be good if it isn’t spontaneous!” is a line I’ve heard many times in couples therapy. Yet with busy work schedules, childcare responsibilities, and other social factors, if we want to have sex, we sometimes have to plan it.
Some may worry that scheduled intimacy won't be as authentic as the intimacy that develops in the heat of the moment. This isn't true—what's more, not everyone has spontaneous desire and may need to plan around life factors to get in the mood.
Research shows that intentionally planned efforts to create intimate moments increase satisfaction (Muse & Impett 2019). Spontaneous sex can lead to less thought put into our needs and our partner’s needs, whereas planning allows partners to focus on proper arousal and mutual satisfaction.
Myth 3: "Erectile dysfunction only happens to older men."
This myth is just for the men—but it's one that, again, is fed by harmful stereotypes. While ED can be related to aging, it's not the only factor. ED affects men of all ages and can be caused by stress, mental health issues, medication side effects, health problems, and lifestyle factors (Feldman & Goldstein 2020).
This myth can prevent younger men from seeking help. I’ve had several younger clients who experienced ED from anxiety or as a side effect of psychotropic medication. Speaking out about their symptoms led them to get treatment and fix the issue.
Myth 4: "Porn is a realistic depiction of sex."
Porn only sets a realistic expectation if you and your partner both use porn that way. Learning about sex with your partner is far more realistic than watching people performing and acting. Every person is different with their preferences and each person’s body responds differently to sex. If you assume that sex always includes certain acts that are depicted in porn, such as penetration, it can set unrealistic expectations.
Research finds that overconsumption of porn can lead to distorted views on bodies, performance, and even consent (Wright & Sun 2021). Porn can be an enjoyable add-on when it’s ethically made and used in a consenting healthy relationship. However, it should not be used as a model for healthy sex lives.
Myth 5: "A lack of orgasm means bad sex."
As mentioned above, a lot of couples think sex doesn’t "count" if both people don’t have an orgasm. While orgasms can be fun, they aren’t the only reason people have or enjoy sex. Connecting with your partner, the pleasure felt without orgasm, and the excitement of the act are what make good sex.
In research, communication was also found to be a key factor in “good sex” (Frederick &Jenkins 2020). Talking to your partner about what you like will give you much better experiences rather than just focusing on an orgasm.
Myth 6: "You should know what your partner wants without asking."
This is a general relationship myth as well. Many people expect their partner to know what they want or need. But I’ve never met a mind reader, and there is no mind reading in sex.
People who talk about sex and openly communicate know what their partner wants. They take the time to ask and seek out feedback. You can’t expect your partner to know what you like without verbally communicating that (Laurenceau & Kleinman 2021).
Why Challenging Myths Matters
Sexual myths, when left unchallenged, can erode intimacy and create unnecessary pressure in relationships. By openly discussing expectations, communicating desires, and questioning long-held beliefs, couples can create a healthier and more fulfilling sex life.
If you're struggling with sexual misconceptions, therapy or open conversations with your partner can help dismantle these myths and replace them with a deeper, more meaningful connection. All people are different—so we can’t make general statements about sex that will be true for an entire population.
It’s helpful to explore where your beliefs come from in therapy. Once we understand the irrational belief, we can open the door to trying things a different way.
A fun assignment I like to give is to have couples talk about what myths and misconceptions they once believed about sex. Try it with your partner and see what you learn.
To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
References
Tiefer, L. (2019). Cultural Narratives and Sexual Health Myths. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 48(7), 1789-1798.
Mark, K. P., & Lasslo, J. A. (2018). Gender Differences in Sexual Desire: A Multifactorial Perspective. Journal of Sex Research, 55(3), 285-295.
Muise, A., & Impett, E. A. (2019). Intentional Intimacy and Its Effect on Sexual Satisfaction. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 10(2), 246-255.
Feldman, H. A., & Goldstein, I. (2020). Epidemiology and Risk Factors of ED in Younger Populations. International Journal of Impotence Research, 32(1), 23-29.
Wright, P. J., & Sun, C. (2021). The Pornography Consumption-Sexual Satisfaction Link: A Meta-Analysis. Human Communication Research, 47(2), 169-194.
Frederick, D. A., & Jenkins, M. (2020). Orgasm Frequency and Relationship Satisfaction: Correlational Insights. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 49(5), 1467-1479.