Can a Lack of Conflict Signal Trouble?

"We've never had a fight."

Honestly, this is one of the more concerning things an engaged couple can share with me during a marriage prep session.

They often disclose this with pride and lovingly exchange smiles, believing a lack of conflict signals strong compatibility and smooth sailing in marriage. I try my best to drop the hammer on them gently, but sometimes I just get too eager.

I am a conflict theorist at heart. I believe conflict is a natural, inevitable, often necessary part of healthy relationships. Like communication generally, conflict can be constructive or destructive. It's all about how you approach it and the tools you have at your disposal.

Think of it like this: “...language is like fire: Depending on how you use it, it can either heat your house or burn it to the ground.” —Frank Luntz

While I certainly don't want couples mired in destructive conflicts or incessant bickering, when we engage with it well, conflict can actually be a catalyst for growth and connection. So, our aim isn't to avoid conflict, it's about navigating the inevitable spats and misunderstandings more deftly.

In my experience, when a couple says they've "never fought," they typically fall into one of these camps:

They Do Fight, But They Call It Something Else

Maybe they don't use the words conflict or fighting, but they do disagree and misunderstand each other sometimes. It's a matter of semantics. They may have a negative association with conflict (as many people do) and view it as a dirty word, but they will concede they aren't perfectly aligned on every issue and have driven each other crazy on occasion.

They probably engage in conflict respectfully, do a good job addressing one issue at a time, don't let things fester, and separate the person (their partner) from the problem. Because they are using good conflict management skills, they really don't view their disagreements as "fights" at all. That works — kudos!

The Relationship Is Pretty New

This couple is caught up in the whirlwind of early love and the relationship hasn't been battle tested yet. They may be very focused on each other's strengths and positive qualities, with blinders up to any red flags. At this stage, they may also be very concerned with how they are perceived and less willing to rock the boat. They fear bringing up concerns or needs could scare their partner off.

It's easy to put up a good front for a while, but time has a way of revealing the true nature of people.

While there's no bulletproof timeframe for dating to ensure a happy marriage, you want to see each other through some seasons. Have you observed your partner stressed, sad, sick, and angry? Do you know their friends and family? What do those interactions look like? How do they engage with strangers or people who they don't feel the need to impress?

With more data points, you can start to fill in some of the blanks. Perhaps they are a hothead in traffic or if they're kept waiting at a restaurant, or they use the silent treatment with friends and family when they don't get their way.

Pay attention to all of it: "When people show you who they are, believe them..." —Maya Angelou

It's not a question of if you'll disagree, it's when — and how. Time will tell.

They Prefer to Keep Things Surface Level

Some couples (or partners) like to keep things light and breezy. While there might be a lot of chemistry and common interests, they tend to be more conflict averse and accommodating, and usually less assertive. They don't like when things get too deep or serious. They want to preserve harmony, and they are willing to overlook real issues and needs to maintain the status quo.

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While picking battles in relationships is essential — and it takes real discernment to know which hills to die on and which ones to just nap on — we have to guard against resentment, too.

For these couples, stuffing emotions and piling up unmet needs and frustrations sets them up to harbor resentment and hostility toward their partners. What feels like a short-term win by dodging an argument, becomes a long-term loss, as they slowly lose themselves in the relationship.

When we stop advocating for ourselves, we start settling.

So, when things finally come to a head down the line (and they will), we're not dealing with one small issue, we're throwing the whole kitchen sink at our partner. It's much easier to deal with one issue at a time, when it's still small, than 15 grievances that have spent some time really simmering.

More than that, our relationships lack depth when we dance around conflict and avoid confronting trickier, or more vulnerable, topics. You don't want style without substance when it comes to a life partnership.

They Want to Pass "The Test"

These couples come into sessions hoping to impress me or "pass" an imaginary compatibility test, so they fudge it a bit. I try to put them at ease right away that all couples have conflicts, to some extent or another. If they can't think of any areas of conflict/disagreement, I get to work poking a bit.

As we work through our curriculum, points of friction start to emerge, and they spark conversations that almost always leave couples feeling more confident about their relationships, not less. Something about facing a hard thing together and coming out stronger on the other side has a way of boosting morale.

Wrap-Up

See, conflict isn't all bad. It's just been misunderstood. And avoiding conflict isn't a sign of relationship mastery. Learning to harness the power of conflict for good, and for growth, is.