Are You Looking for a Reason to Spoil Yourself?

You’ve got an afternoon ahead of you filled with plans to get a project done, aiming to finish well before its due date. However, teasing you with temptation, there’s also a new hobby you’ve started that lures you equally with the promise of making some headway on it (and having fun in the process). What to do? To put it roughly in Shakespearean terms, to give in or not to give in; that is the question.

On the one hand, you might argue that focusing on work before play proves that you’re someone who knows the value of diligence and whose conscientiousness stands out as one of your best features. But, and here’s the other side of it, which choice will allow for greater expression of your true self, at least in the moment? Can’t you permit yourself to spend an hour exploring your creativity before you settle down to the humdrum other task before you?

In a Freudian sense, this might seem like a conflict between the id and the superego, but here, the bottom line is whether to act in accordance with your impulses (id) versus settling down to what you “should” do (superego). Which is the choice that will ultimately fulfill your sense of who you are and what you value as a person?

Self-Control vs. Self-Expression in Finding Your True Self

According to Vrije Universiteit Amsterdam’s Michail Kokkoris (2024), this dilemma becomes cast in the following way: “Does self-control suppress who we truly are, or does it help us become who we aspire to be?” By exerting self-control, you do “signal” to yourself that you’re someone who can adhere to a set of standards and that you are making progress toward your goals. But, by suppressing your desire to be less responsible, you could instead achieve greater self-expression by letting your creativity win out. Arguments could be made on both sides, Kokkoris points out, to support which path in the decision tree you take will most benefit your sense of well-being.

The basis for arguing that you should throw duty to the winds lies in what’s called “ego fixation theory,” the proposition that “self-control might alienate individuals from their intuitive dislike for aversive experiences.” The more you engage in self-control, the less likely you are to feel that your choices express your true interests and preferences. The more outside forces control you, in other words, the further removed you become from your inner self.

The question of giving in versus not giving in becomes, then, a potential conflict between (a) conformity to some vague set of social standards that might help you see yourself as virtuous or (b) conformity to your inner standards that will help you feel more authentic. Kokkoris believes the answer might come from understanding the various forces that can influence this decision.

Valuation of Temptation Enactment

First, Kokkoris decided to explore the sets of beliefs that people adhere to, represented in a measure known as the Valuation of Temptation Enactment (VOTE), developed in prior research by University of Cologne’s Amir Ghoniem and Willhelm Hoffmann (2021). Through a series of validational studies, the U. Cologne author team arrived at the following simple 10-item scale, which you can take by rating yourself from 1 (do not agree at all) to 5 (fully agree):

1. It is good to follow one’s impulses every now and then.
2. It is okay to act unreasonably at times.
3. Part of a fulfilling life is to give in to the lure of the moment.
4. In light of all the temptations around, it is pointless to try to resist them too much.
5. Giving in to temptations occasionally makes one happier in life.
6. Life would not be so nice if you did not relish in life’s pleasures every now and then
7. Acting on impulses is what makes life interesting.
8. Life will be boring if you keep restraining yourself.
9. To be a happy person, it is important to "let go" sometimes.
10. If you always suppress your impulses, you just make yourself unhappy.

The average among the initial sample ranged from a high of 4.31 on item 6 to a low of 2.98 on item 4, with most people scoring at about a point either way from these averages. Items 1 and 3 also received relatively high endorsements. Supporting its validity, scores on the VOTE predicted, along with other factors, whether people gave in or not to an experimental cafeteria simulation where participants faced the temptation of indulging in high-calorie foods.

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The Ghoniem and Hofmann study provided Kokkoris with support for the argument that people vary in the way they view temptation. However, this is only part of the explanation, he noted. Referring to the “Stereotype Content Model (SCM),” Kokkoris reasoned that the impression you want to make on others could further influence the extent to which you give in to temptation. In some settings, such as when you're in a purely social situation, you might feel it's better to give in to temptation, emphasizing to others what a warm and emotional person you are. But, if you're in a work setting, you'll want to seem more competent, so you'll let your dutiful side shine instead.

The one final piece of the puzzle, Kokkoris argues, has to do with your own identity and what will get you closer to fulfilling your true self. Are you someone driven to achieve your long-term goals, and therefore will aim to get things done? Or is your authentic self built more on the desire to feel good in the moment? You may be a person who likes the idea of being impulsive (i.e., your VOTE score is high), and you may be in a situation where to do so wouldn't be viewed askance by others (you want to seem warm and emotional), but if succumbing to your instincts will lead you to be disappointed in yourself, then the authentic choice for you is to tell your id to settle down.

Turning Your Self-Control Into Self-Expression

All of this may seem like a lot to juggle when you're poised on the brink of giving in to temptation. However, the Kokkoris study implies that whether or not you're aware of all these wheels turning, they will turn anyway. Ideally, you won't slack off every time some tantalizing whim comes your way. But rather than always telling yourself "no," this analysis suggests that it may not be so bad to give yourself permission to do so when the situation is right, especially if you know if it's a momentary lapse (and won't cause harm). Continuing to distance yourself from your authentic desires will only lead to more confusion in your sense of what's important.

To sum up, acting on your desires will not, on its own, make you a bad person, and putting them aside will not make you an inauthentic one. Finding fulfillment requires balancing your needs at the moment with the acts that ultimately will allow you to achieve your most cherished goals, one situation at a time.

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