How Emotional Maturity Is Affected by Narcissistic Parenting

Source: Pexels Photo by Ketut Subiyanto: 4546148// used with permission

In the past 10 years I have been working predominantly with clients who have experienced narcissistic abuse. When the abuser happened to be a parent, it was clear to me (and to my client) that they had missed out on some natural developmental stages. Instead of growing up as an individual with freedom of thought, creativity, dreams and fantasies, becoming their own person, victims of emotional abuse are too pre-occupied with surviving, pleasing their narcissist and keeping themselves as safe as possible. There was no emotional and mental space left to tune into themselves.

Growing up with a narcissistic mother, I recognise I stopped thinking for myself around the age of 6. Whatever idea I had, it was always dismissed in a nasty manner. Friends I choose were commented on negatively and I only got positive feedback when I agreed with my mother. I also stopped me feeling. I remember feeling a lot of pain, a sense of not belonging and sadness, but I wasn’t allowed to show or mention any of that. No wonder I developed an eating disorder, aiming to fill the void in my head and my heart.

Even though the foundation of natural development is missing, victims present themselves as very capable and mature. That is due to the necessity to survive. By ignoring their natural needs, they jumped to behaviour that kept them safe. And often it is only later in life or when they start to understand the emotional abuse, the realisation of ‘lost childhood’ kicks in.

When I work with my clients, I tentatively ask them if it makes sense that they have missed out on a natural healthy development. If they recognise that, I ask them what age they feel they are… Usually it is between 5 and 7.

What could we all have in common?

Erikson's psychosocial developmental model explains the important attachment styles that a human develops during different stages in life.

The infant years are crucial for building trust and healthy attachments. If an infant needs of closeness, food and care are not met, they will have trust issues and difficulties relying on others.

The following toddler years are about becoming independent, doing your own things and being allowed to do that. In a narcissistic abusive environment, a child is there to play the role the narcissist wants them to play: the perfect child to show them off as the perfect parent and family. If not, ‘punishment’ is received and the child starts to develop self-doubt and shame.

The pre-school years are about taking initiative and starting to have a voice and an opinion. Which means the parent is less in control, which is what a narc parent hates and will avoid at all cost. Initiative is killed off and being presented as doing something wrong. Which will lead to the development of guilt. I haven’t met a single victim of narcissistic abuse who didn’t suffer from ‘unhealthy guilt syndrome’.

During early school years, a new element is introduced in life: that of achievements and comparison. Depending on the achievements, a child can easily develop feelings of confidence or inferiority. Children of narcissists are used to working hard to please their parents and that is no different in school, so they usually are good achievers. However, instead of developing a confidence in their abilities, their achievements won’t be praised at home, as praise isn’t part of the parental attitude. A child becomes very confused, as it knows it did well, but won’t get the deserved acknowledgment. Only when in public, their parent might brag about them.

Adolescents start to develop a sense of self, not without challenges and difficulties, but there is more freedom to experiment with different life situations and that will lead to more clarity about who they are. A child with a narcissistic parent won’t have that freedom and as they are only accepted in the role their parent has set out for them, they don’t come into their own.

For me, it meant I didn’t have real friends, my opinions were copies of my parents, I felt very insecure and found solace in bulimia.

What I have experienced personally is what I also see reflected in most of my clients who are facing the challenges of an upbringing in a narcissistic dysfunctional family:

Narcissism Essential Reads

Love and Narcissism?

5 Parenting Rules of a Narcissist

• Difficulty trusting others
• Feeling guilt
• Working hard
• Low self-esteem, self-belief
• Low level of self-awareness
• Looking for external validation
• Mature external presentation
• Anxiety and stress / PTSD

A huge part of the healing work is about ‘growing up’ and taking the space to step into your own person and personality and leaving behind what is not serving you.