One Crucial Question Couples Need to Ask Each Other

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Carla and Jake admit they argue—a lot. While some couples repeatedly butt heads over the same hot topics and can never reach win-win compromises, Carla and Jake, like many other partners, say that theirs are never about such big problems, but “stupid, small stuff.” But once they start, they both have a hard time putting on the emotional brakes. Why? Because, they say, the other guy is blaming or shutting down or waving their finger like a scolding parent. It’s not about the topic but the tone, the non-verbals: They’re pushing each other’s buttons.

Triggering emotional wounds

Most likely, Carla and Jake don’t act this way at their jobs, even when colleagues or bosses may say things that upset them. But in their intimate relationship, they are more sensitive because old emotional wounds get easily triggered.

What are these emotional wounds? The most common ones shaped during childhood are criticism, micromanaging, or feeling dismissed, not heard, unappreciated, or neglected. Almost everyone is hot-wired for a couple of these. When Jake and Carla try to have an adult conversation, Jake automatically interprets Carla’s shutting down as her tuning him out and dismissing what he is saying, while Carla is actually feeling overwhelmed. Similarly, Jake’s finger waving and raised voice make him look to Carla like a critical parent, fueling her shutdown, though he’s actually just reacting to feeling dismissed. For other couples, the triggers may be about the rolling of eyes, bringing up the past, or complaining about what seems like something inconsequential, causing them to feel micromanaged. Both are seeing and hearing the other through these old, distorted lenses.

Putting on the brakes and doing it differently

Many couples I see in therapy are like Carla and Jake, going back and forth in our first session about how the other guy is constantly pushing their buttons and creating their arguments. Eventually, I ask them both the same question: If something bothers your partner, how do they need to talk to you about it so you don’t feel dismissed, criticized, etc.?

Often, their first response is to say what they want their partner to stop doing: shutting down, being so defensive. While it's a good start, what they're asking for is often vague and, more importantly, doesn't help the other guy know what to do or say instead. They need a script: “There's been something that has been bothering me," or "Let's not try and have these conversations late at night, instead let's set aside a time on Sunday afternoon." Or, rather than saying that they'd like the other to be "more open," they need to say, "Tell me about your day when we’re having dinner,” or, “Tell me what you would like to do on vacation rather than simply saying ‘That’s fine’ when I bring up a suggestion.” The clearer and more concrete they can be, the more they can reduce the danger of triggering each other and fueling an argument.

Doing this on your own

My advice to individuals and couples already partnered or dating is that there are, in my mind, two criteria for long-term compatibility: Do I feel safe to speak up? And, Can we solve problems together? Understanding what you each are sensitive to and how best to bring up problems can go a long way toward meeting these goals. You just need to make a point of bringing it up and being both honest and clear.

Dealing with what’s left

Many couples I see quickly learn these skills, reduce their arguments, and then move on. But others struggle, continue to circle around the same unresolved problems, or still can’t put the brakes on arguments because one or both get too volatile.

If you are struggling, maybe it's time to address these other issues. Consider doing a few sessions or couple therapy to help you find out what’s keeping you from putting these head-butting issues to rest. Or, if you struggle with anger, go online or read a book to learn about anger management tools, go into individual therapy, or check out medication to deal with possible underlying anxiety or depression. Tackle what keeps your conversations from being productive.

So, do you know how to productively navigate each other’s triggers?

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.