Anxiety and Anger Have More in Common Than You Think

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The person shaky with anxiety looks pretty different from the blustering, red-faced person filled with anger. But those who struggle with either often have much in common. Here the some of the ways they overlap:

Those prone to anger or anxiety have a small emotional range

Or often no emotional range. You’ve met them, folks whose go-to emotion is anger: They get frustrated, they get angry; they get tired, they get angry; they get scared, they get angry; everything turns into anger, and they are unaware of the emotions underneath. The same can happen to those prone to anxiety—they have difficulty identifying emotions besides anxiety and feeling overwhelmed. The downside of being wired this way is that not only do they lose the information that these other emotions offer, others see them as one-dimensional, making emotional intimacy difficult.

One can drive the other

Many folks who come to see me for anger management are actually dealing with underlying anxiety. They are hyperalert—usually learned long ago as a way of coping in a volatile or tension-filled family—and will admit to being worriers. They react to stress by going into "fight," rather than "flight" or "freeze" mode. And because they, too, have a small emotional range, anxious folks can also become anxious when, in fact, they’re angry.

It’s easy to get tunnel vision

Strong emotions create tunnel vision. Anxious individuals tend to quickly obsess about what-if scenarios and quickly go down rabbit holes of worry. Angry folks can do the same, perseverating about what others did that upset them.

Angry or anxious individuals can be controlling

Both of themselves and others. Self-control can take the form of rigidity—they have a lot of shoulds running their lives, and they follow tight routines to cope with their underlying anxiety. But they can be controlling of others for the same reason: If I can get you to do what I think you should do, I’m not so anxious. When others don’t accommodate, the angry folks get rattled and angry, while the anxious folks get more anxious, overwhelmed, and press harder.

Both can be self-critical, internalize emotions

It’s common for anxious and angry individuals to internalize their emotions and hold in their thoughts and feelings, particularly ones that bother them. For those prone to anger, this creates the pressure-cooker scenario where they eventually explode. For those prone to anxiety, their instinct is to blame themselves and/or accommodate to what others want, leading to periodic explosions or depression. For both, there is often a critical voice scolding them for mistakes, or for not doing what they should.

Given these shared characteristics, managing anxiety or anger requires developing the same skills:

Track anxiety or anger to catch it earlier

I suggest to clients that they check in with themselves every hour to gauge their emotional state. On a ten-point scale, with one being flat-lined and okay and ten being out of control, when they get to a three or four—feeling worried and going down a rabbit hole, getting irritable—they need to ask themselves what’s going on. Is there a real problem they need to pay attention to and fix? If there is, they need to take decisive action. If there isn’t one they can identify, they need to do emotional first aid to calm themselves—go for a walk, breathe deeply, be mindful, and do something that gets them out of their head: the more tools, the better.

Increase your emotional range

When you get anxious or angry, stop and ask yourself what else you might be feeling besides the anxiety or anger—hurt, scared, tired, hungry, sad, lonely? The first few hundred times you ask the question, you probably won’t be able to identify anything, but by simply asking the question, you’re rewiring your brain. If you recognize another emotion, act on it—tell the person you’re hurt, take a nap, get lunch, reach out to a friend. The action will help ground the new emotion.

Translate control into worry

This, too, is about self-awareness—catching it early when you move toward controlling others, getting upset because they are not doing what you expect. This is about calming yourself but also talking with the other about what you are worried about rather than what they should do. By talking about worry, you avoid triggering their feelings of being criticized or micromanaged, and they have a better sense of what makes you tick.

Work on your internalization and self-criticism

If you tend to hold things in, to accommodate or close up to those around you, try taking the risk of opening up and being assertive. This will relieve your anxiety by helping you feel more empowered—you’re being proactive rather than reactive in your life—and avoid the pressure-cooker build-up of anger that leads to blow-ups. It will also create intimacy in your relationships and counter the loneliness, or you-against-the-world stance, that you may feel.

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Finally, push back against that critical voice that’s always scolding you. Only by treating yourself better can you then do the same with others.

Consider medication, therapy

Because anger and anxiety have so much in common, medications that help with anxiety can also help with anger. Because treatment relies on learning the same skills, therapy can provide the coaching you need to rein them in.

Time to go to work?

To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.