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Every Saturday, Josh and his friend Tom are off—long runs, mountain biking, hiking, working out in the gym—and they often text each other several times a day. And when on those rare occasions Tom isn’t available for their Saturday outing, Josh just seems to mope around the house. Kim knew how close Josh and Tom were when she and Josh first met a year ago, but now this bromance is getting old. Kim is feeling resentful, jealous.
The bromance. But it just as easily could be a womance, with Josh being the one feeling resentful and left out. There are often one or two of several possible underlying issues fueling the "mance" relationship and the problem. Here are the common ones:
Going on autopilot
Josh and Tom get together on Saturdays, because that’s what they do. It’s a steady part of their weekly routine, and in addition to their friendship, the routine itself is grounding for both of them.
Not enough common interests
Kim will admit that she is not the athletic type; just the thought of running wears her out. But exercise is important to Josh; it's his stress release, part of his identity. Part of the problem is that it is a Josh-interest that Kim has a harder time relating to; part of the problem is simply about the amount of time Josh's exercise and his time with Tom takes away from their relationship.
But part of the problem may be more than just exercise differences: What if Josh and Kim don’t have enough common interests between them? Exercising with Tom on Saturdays may be part of Josh’s routine, but it also may be his default—he’s not sure what he and Kim would do all day on a Saturday, hence the moping.
Avoidance of underlying problems
Here the problem is other problems. Josh confides in Tom about what bothers him in the relationship with Kim, but never quite gets the nerve to bring it up with her. And Kim may do the same—either holding things in or talking only to her friends or family. Couple problems are getting swept under the rug. They are using distance and parallel lives to avoid conflict.
There is a sexual attraction
Josh’s wanting to spend time with Tom isn’t just about exercising or even honest conversations, but also a sexual attraction that may or may not be spoken between them as friends, and certainly not mentioned to Kim.
The relationship is unbalanced
There's obviously an awkward three-person relationship triangle unfolding here, which is always difficult to balance, because there's always someone more in, another more out. But there may also be an imbalance in Kim and Josh's own priorities and needs. Kim, for example, may lack close friends of her own, have few outside interests, and may be mentally and emotionally building her life around Josh and their time together, while Josh is not only making Tom a priority in his life, but also his exercise.
These differing priorities may translate into differing visions of what it means to be in an intimate relationship: Kim's ideal may be all couple most, if not all, of the time, while Josh’s view includes less couple time, more individual time, more separate interests, multiple emotional baskets instead of just one.
What to do
What Kim doesn’t want to do is bottle up her resentment. She and Josh need to have a sane, adult conversation about how she is feeling. As always, it’s about timing and tone. No snide remarks as he heads out the door on Saturday morning, no cold huffiness when he comes back, no 11 o'clock Tuesday night after three beers attempts at a conversation.
Instead, she waits till Sunday morning when they are both relaxed. If she is at all hesitant about bringing the topic up, she can send Josh an email (not a text) either giving him a heads-up that she wants to talk about their Saturday time, or even laying out for him her concerns. She wants to end saying that the email is not a replacement for a face-to-face conversation, but a way of her getting her thoughts on paper and giving him time to think about them in advance. She wants to have a face-to-face conversation.
But then they need to have it. Her goal is not for her to just complain or rant, but instead to express her feelings of loneliness or jealousy or resentment calmly, and then together trying to drill down and understand what makes Josh tick—understand why his relationship with Tom seems so important to him, why he seems so involved with Tom, what his vision is of their relationship, and probably most importantly, whether there are problems between them that they are avoiding talking about and solving. This is the information she needs to put her questions and feelings to rest.
She can take the lead by asking the hard questions about all these topics. She needs to focus on listening and staying calm, rather than getting defensive. She wants to talk more about soft emotions—her concern, worry, loneliness—and less about angry emotions that too easily can trigger defensiveness in Josh.
And if Josh does get angry and defensive, she needs to shift to emotional first-aid—resist the temptation to fuel the emotional fire by firing back, but instead by listening. And if the conversation begins to unravel, if both are getting too upset, she needs to call for a break and then try and circle back an hour or two later to see if they can try again and solve the problem.
What makes relationships complicated is working through this mix of time vs. visions vs. expectations vs. emotions vs. us vs. me. If bromances or womances are keeping your relationship off-balance and unhappy, maybe it’s time to speak up.
