Practices for Parents Who Want to Support Their Children

While my focus is on healthy child-adult relationships in the context of youth sports, the principles elaborated apply to most activities your child engages in—sports, school, music and theater programs, community activities, and more. Earlier articles help parents and children recognize covert emotional abuse (aka grooming), which I call sneaky abuse; overt emotional abuse, or obvious abuse, and why we as parents too often allow it; and how parents can determine whether our children feel supported or pressured in their various activities.

This article, adapted from my book A Still Quiet Place for Athletes, provides specific practices to increase the likelihood that our children will feel supported.

Sometimes I notice that pushing, desperate energy regarding my son’s cycling, my daughter’s college-application process, and my own professional opportunities, including writing this book. When I feel this particular energy, I do my best to observe it with kindness and curiosity, to allow it to pass, and then to choose my next sane and joyful step.

The preceding passage is not meant to suggest that we should or will feel neutral about our child’s sports experience, or that support doesn’t sometimes have a tough love quality. Rather, the invitation is for you to learn to recognize your attachment to and investment in a particular outcome, and to learn to accept the highs and lows of your child’s sports experience with equanimity. Ultimately, our job is to help our children to be in their bodies, to watch their thoughts, to befriend their feelings, to respond to difficulties, to face challenges, to learn from mistakes, to act with integrity, to be good teammates, to develop habits of excellence, and, most important, to nurture their love of the game regardless of a particular outcome. And it is only by practicing these skills ourselves that we can support our children in doing the same.

Practice: Choosing Your Behavior

If you want to step clearly into the domain of support, or if you suspect that you have repeatedly crossed the line from supporting to pressuring, then commit to working mindfully with the following supportive practices. As a gentle reminder, working mindfully means paying attention, here and now, with kindness and curiosity to our experience, so that we can choose our behavior. As you do the exercises, notice

• what happens in your body, mind, and heart and with your behavior;
• any resistance to the practices, including "Yes, but..." or "I’ll just make this one comment" type of thinking;
• when you mindlessly revert to old habits;
• your child’s response (more relaxed, at ease, lighthearted, willing to take risks);
• any shifts in your relationship with your child, his teammates, parents of teammates, opponents, and coaches;
• how it feels to simply be at a competition knowing that you are only going to express specific supportive sentiments in both your words and actions;
• and then, when old habits creep in, simply smile at yourself and recommit to the practices.

Just like when your child is learning a new physical, mental, or emotional skill, developing these new sports-parenting skills to the point where they are reliable in clutch situations will take committed, repeated practice. Are you willing to make the same commitment to developing these skills that your child is making to develop his?

Positives from the Past

The first season I coached for the American Youth Soccer Organization (AYSO), the head coach had a policy that during games we could make only positive statements about actions that had happened in the past. He had implemented this rule because he recognized, sadly, that his extremely intense coaching had driven his very talented teenage daughter from the sport, and he did not want to make the same mistake with his six-year-old daughter. This type of parental coaching is not uncommon. Olympic and World Cup soccer champion Brandi Chastain remembers her own father’s challenging style of coaching: “My dad was on the ref and was also yelling at me. I felt my soccer instincts were guiding me, but every time I heard his voice, I couldn’t get anything done. He was trying to help but it just made me unable to function”

I loved my AYSO coach’s rule for positive coaching and took it as a challenge. You can get a surprising amount of simple “coaching” done following this rule. “Nice pass!” “I love how you’re talking to each other!” “Great hustle!” “Beautiful defense!” While this rule is definitely not sufficient for higher-level coaching, it is ideal for supportive parenting. It prevents us from yelling instructions at our kids and allows them to make their own choices, to learn through playing the game, and to actually hear their coaches and teammates.

This practice is yet another example of filling emotional tanks and maintaining the magic ratio of five positive interactions to every negative one, both of which are hallmarks of healthy relationships.

"I Love to Watch You Play"

Here is another supportive-parenting practice. If you google the phrase “I love to watch you play,” you will find many well-written articles that will support you in conveying your love for your child and your enjoyment of watching him compete. However, if “I love to watch you play” is the only thing you say after every competition, the phrase will become empty and meaningless. So practice being specific: “I loved seeing you...shake off that mistake, hold your own with that tough defender, finish strong, help your opponent up, stick that landing...”

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Listen First

In particularly difficult moments, especially when you and your child are in the refractory period, it may be best to simply offer your comforting presence and allow your child to take the lead. This powerful practice is astonishing in its simplicity, and it is often most needed after a particularly devastating performance or loss. Notice when you feel a desperate urge to say something, to make your child feel better, or to comment on her play. Then breathe. Offer your spacious presence. Create the time and space for both you and your child to befriend your feelings. And let your child lead. Nancy Star, writing in the Washington Post about raising athletic kids, recognized the power of remaining silent and letting our children lead:

"If I see someone is hurting, I’m not shy about acknowledging their pain. What a revelation to discover that’s nothing compared to standing as silent witness… The goal of silence wasn’t to prevent conversation. It was to give my daughter space to initiate it."

Giving Your Child the Gift of Mindfulness

For the next month commit to the following:

• Noticing the physical sensations, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that indicate you are pressuring rather than supporting
• Acknowledging positives from the past
• Sharing why, specifically, you love to watch your child play
• Listening to your child
• Practicing self-compassion when you revert to old habits
• Renewing your commitment to being supportive
• And for those of you willing to challenge yourself with advanced practice, after devoting at least one month to doing the practices with your child you can increase the degree of difficulty by doing the practices with your child’s teammates and opponents. Imagine what our children’s sports experiences would be like if every parent committed to these practices.