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Key points
- It's important to communicate with your child's teacher, the school counselor, and other staff about the impact of the loss on your child.
- Some parents work with the school to send a note out to inform the community and frame how the loss is described.
- Let your child know that you and their teacher are working together to support them.
Now is the time of year when families are readying for and beginning the new school year. Children often feel excited as they look forward to time with friends, a new teacher, new things to learn, and getting to be an older student in the school. Along with the excitement, there are often some worries about the uncertainties: Will their teacher be nice? Will they fit in with the friend group they want? Will they be able to do all the homework?
In parallel, parents have similar excitements and concerns about how their child will fare in the new situation. There is a lot of preparation involved for everyone as they gather school supplies, clarify the class list, and settle into the new routines. We strongly suggest that you attend to emotional preparation as well. That entails taking some time to think about how you, in particular, are feeling—and how your child is feeling. What might be worrying you about how you and your child will fare in this school year?
For a family with a grieving child, these concerns can be markedly heightened. The sadness and anxiety may outweigh their eagerness to participate. And it is highly likely that someone in your school community will have had a death in their world since school ended last year. Perhaps that is your family, or you know of a family facing this and want to help them and your child navigate this transition.
We offer, here, some guidance that people we have worked with have found helpful. The overriding message you want to convey to your child is that everyone is working together to help with their return to school and that school is a supportive place. Putting this into action with school personnel will allow you to feel greater comfort when your child is actually in their classroom. We believe that the predictable structure provided by the daily routine is, in and of itself, a buttress against the vulnerability and the many uncertainties you and your child face starting a new academic year.
1. Helping your child feel cared for at school
We recommend that you tell your child about the preparations and ongoing plans that have been put into place for their return to school. This includes who the caregivers are who will be keeping an attentive eye on them—specifically, this may include their teachers, the school nurse, or the school guidance counselor. They should know that they can turn to these people and expect an understanding reception.
2. Communication is key
We advocate that you establish early and regular contact with your child's school throughout the year. Some parents we work with have found that planning for the teacher to send a weekly email helps them feel well-informed about what their child is experiencing and provides an opportunity for them to let the teacher know about any observations from home they feel are important.
3. Consider communicating with the class parents
It has helped many families we work with to let the other families in their child's class know about the loss that you have suffered. This way, they can be more attuned to what their own child might be experiencing and also be compassionate toward your child. It also allows you to frame how you want to describe what happened and keep the messaging in line with what your child knows. This is best done in conjunction with the school.
4. Your child may need help knowing how to talk about their loss
Death can be awkward for people of all ages to talk about. We aim to make that become less and less true. Your child may not know what words to actually use in conversation with a classmate, for example. Or how to let someone know they don't feel like talking about it when questioned. If that is the case, at home you and your child can practice what they might say so that when they are at school, they will feel less uncomfortable talking about their loss. A simple statement that even a young child can say is, "I have an uncle. He died." Or if they want to offer more about how they understand death, they could add, "My uncle is in Heaven," or "I hold my uncle in my memory now," according to what they believe. Or if they don't feel like talking, you can advise them that it is OK to say, "Thank you, I don't feel like talking about it right now."
5. A full day may not be right for every child at first
Grieving is draining—it takes mental work. Some children find it hard to sustain themselves through a full day of school in the beginning. You can work with their teacher and the school guidance counselor to arrange for earlier pickup or a later start, with a re-assessment every few days. Since the structure of school is such a useful part of participating in life as we grieve, we believe that being at school for part of the day is better than missing school altogether.
6. Some children need time to step away from the demands of the school day, though they may wish to stay for the full day
When your child is grieving, they may have a greater need for time to emotionally refuel. This will be evident in their asking to go to the school nurse more than they did before their loss. In many school environments, the school nurse offers a place of respite and more quiet. This is an important reason for maintaining contact with them as well as your child's teacher. They may have observations to share with you that help complete the picture of your child's day when you are not with them.
7. Concentration and focus may be diminished for a grieving child
It can be difficult to concentrate when your mind is occupied with thoughts and feelings about someone who died or is trying hard to not think about it. Even a child who otherwise seems to be fully involved in everyday life, without outward signs of grief, may be preoccupied. We recommend a compassionate, understanding response to this. For a while, expectations may need to be altered. In conjunction with their teacher, you can arrange extra academic help to enhance their availability for learning. We find that usually when the grief eases, academic focus returns.
8. Don't forget to take care of yourself, too
Remember to take care of yourself, keep an open mind, and revisit your plans regularly as your child makes their way back into school. When you take care of your own emotions, you can be calmer and more attentive to your child. When you show worry, for example, by hovering or being preoccupied, you may convey to your child that something is wrong with how they are. With self-care, you are more able to laugh with your child's good times and be empathic with the hard parts of their re-entry experience. You are also better able to assess what level of involvement with their academics is called for.
We offer these guidelines to support you as you navigate decisions about how your child can re-engage in ongoing life in the face of a loss. We have emphasized the goal of returning to a regular routine as much as possible, while respecting the demands of a school day for any child. Your child then sees that grief and involvement in daily activities happen together—that we carry our feelings as we participate with others academically and socially. Out of this comes a sense that their world will continue, that they are capable of handling difficult things, and that there is hope for what lies ahead.
