Thanks for letting me know. I think it's fixed now, but let me know if it's still not working for you, okay?
More often than not, people don’t—or won’t—acknowledge you for your contributions and accomplishments. Which may seem a little strange because almost all of us harbor hopes for such recognition—one reason, perhaps, that the expression “fishing for compliments” is so well-known. Though it might seem intuitive that people would be more than willing to give what they’d greatly appreciate getting themselves, this typically isn’t the case.
Assuming that you’re like the majority of us, wishing to be explicitly recognized for what you do relates to the fact that validation from others just feels good. Reaching all the way back to childhood and your need for your parents’ reassurance and approval, being acknowledged by others helps you feel more accepted and secure. Consequently, more comfortable inside yourself. More important still, such recognition assists you in perceiving yourself as desirable, valuable, and esteemable. In a word, special.
In one way or another, virtually everybody dreams of standing out, being admired or acclaimed. To be viewed, and to view ourselves, as merely “average” or “adequate” really doesn’t do very much for our ego. This may be all the more so because we live in a meritorious, American-Idol-type society that refuses to celebrate or lavish praise on individuals unless they’re judged exceptional. This circumstance explains why we may experience certain envy when we hear drums banging for someone else. Secretly, we long to hear a drum roll beating for us.
Granted, there may be an element inherent in our nature—grandiosity, no doubt—that makes us wish to be thought highly of. When complimented, we’re likely to glow internally. Approbation from others whose authority we respect serves to verify our sense of inner worth. Such external approval is especially important for those still plagued by self-doubt. Unfortunately, master manipulators can take advantage of this almost universal susceptibility to compliments by guilefully employing them to seduce us into emptying out our wallets. As long as we’re tricked into trusting their ingratiating kudos, we’re liable to be taken in by them. To feel favorably recognized wonderfully addresses one of our heart’s deepest desires.
Much more often than not, the recognition that we hope for simply isn’t going to happen. So when someone fails to acknowledge you when you think what you’ve done deserves acknowledgment, it’s wise not to take this to heart. For various reasons, it’s crucial that when you’ve executed something well, demonstrated skill or talent, behaved generously or selflessly, you learn how to congratulate yourself. That way you can avoid the let-down, the frustration, discouragement, or disgruntlement—and maybe even the anger and indignation—that otherwise will likely accompany your disappointment.
It always makes sense not to have to depend on others’ reactions to regard yourself positively. Ideally, your goal should be to feel unconditionally good about who you are independent of any external “favorability meter”—and also free of whether you’re presently embarked on some course of self-improvement.
What I’d like to suggest here is that by better grasping the underlying causes of why so many people might resist offering you the acknowledgment you wish for, their denial should be a lot easier to take. So consider the descriptions below that explain why many people (including—just possibly—yourself) can be so stingy with compliments:
- If they were “recognition-deprived” in growing up praising another might feel uneasy or unsettling. Bestowing on someone else the acknowledgment they never received themselves might open the lid on long-suppressed psychic pain, making them experience afresh never-healed emotional wounds.
- If they’re competitive—because they need constantly to prove themselves—then explicitly paying tribute to another’s achievements might make them feel as though they’re admitting inferiority, ineptitude, or defeat—a confession of failure their fragile ego might lack the strength to tolerate. Even beyond that, some individuals can only feel good about themselves by putting others down, in which case the only compliments they're capable of are backhanded ones.
- If they think that another’s accomplishments and contributions are no more than what ought to be expected from them, they may not regard such acts as even worthy of acknowledgment.
- If they believe that lauding another for their achievements might go to the recipient’s head—that is, lead them to become conceited, cocky, or egotistical—then they may intentionally withhold recognition.
- If they’re in denial about their own unmet need for acknowledgment, it might not even occur to them that positively recognizing another—and for that person’s efforts, as well as accomplishments—might be in order. For example, commending a friend, when appropriate, is a responsibility in a close relationship; yet they’re unable to do so.
- If they have a strong sense of entitlement, then whatever recognition they receive from others will be expected, or taken for granted. Any sense of obligation to respond in kind won’t be part of their behavioral repertoire. They actually won’t even consider expressing appreciation or gratitude when someone acts generously or kindly toward them.
All of which is to say that your not being acknowledged likely says much more about the other person than it does about you—or your worthiness. In such situations, you’ll be far better off once you learn to be content simply through becoming more adept at self-acknowledgment.
© 2013 Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved.
Acknowledgement
Hi Dr. Seltzer
What if my husband of over 39 years only gives praise to others and seems to pass on me.
I am a published cook and nutritionist and he hasnt even read my books.
I wish I was taken i to consoderation when projects I have helped commence are finnished, but not with others or in pubkic, but in private, to thank me for the support and help of hos work.
And too to be interested abs support mine.
Pat
What's the overall dynamic
What's the overall dynamic like in your relationship? Answer honestly - who's in the driving seat? Withholding praise can often be a control issue where they fear that compliments will inflate your ego, so that they would then feel they are no longer the one in charge.
People like this usually have low self-esteem because by withholding they keep you 'in place' - a subordinate position that poses no risk to their status (be that real or imagined).
Acknowledgment
Hi Pat, Isaac is right. But here's another think. You've been together 39 years. Obviously, someone relies on someone else as their wife. That said, while it's not entirely right that he withholds praise, seek no more from him. Start from now, ignoring his lack of praise. In fact, the fact he doesn't praise you should make you feel special. Imagine each time he doesn't praise you as the acknowledgment that you seek. That's him being himself. Would you rather he pretended with you? You've been with him 39 years. If you were suddenly not around anymore, don't you think he would miss "being himself" with this one person he's been with for 4 decades? Unless there's a lot more going on (abuse etc.), learn to take him as he is, and you continue to be you. You are a part of this … When you stop resenting his attitude, his attitude will change. That's life.
Acknowledgment
Hi Pat, Isaac is right. But here's another think. You've been together 39 years. Obviously, someone relies on someone else as their wife. That said, while it's not entirely right that he withholds praise, seek no more from him. Start from now, ignoring his lack of praise. In fact, the fact he doesn't praise you should make you feel special. Imagine each time he doesn't praise you as the acknowledgment that you seek. That's him being himself. Would you rather he pretended with you? You've been with him 39 years. If you were suddenly not around anymore, don't you think he would miss "being himself" with this one person he's been with for 4 decades? Unless there's a lot more going on (abuse etc.), learn to take him as he is, and you continue to be you. You are a part of this … When you stop resenting his attitude, his attitude will change. That's life.
Acknowledgement and lack thereof
I found your article ( 2013) about compliments to be very interesting. I am a retired art teacher. As such, I am used to praising what is good, praising even more what is better. Kids need to hear it because many parents don't value art these days, prioritizing other subjects. These days, as an artist, I often take workshops and see work from others that I admire, even envy. It is sometimes hard to pay a compliment to someone whose work I like better than my own but I MAKE myself do it because I know everyone needs to feel validated but I must say that, in general, the other participants in these classes are not so complimentary to each other. Now, I may be the worst artist in the world but I happen to know that most of my friends cannot paint and choose not to make it a hobby as I do. Many of them are even teachers who know the value of positive reinforcement. Why then, given that they see my work displayed in a few places in my home, would most of them say nothing or even compliment me on artwork that isn't even mine? Despite your discussion in the article you wrote, it is hard to accept that everyone has a reason for being what i see as just plain unkind. Is it envy that creates this kind of reaction? Moreover, even if I am a horrible artist, would it kill them simply to be kind to a friend? I am not usually much of a self-promoter but why this seeming rebuff from friends who should be supportive? Even if I am the worst artist in the world would it kill them to make a kind comment...as I try to do? It really hurts and it's happened time and time again...Frankly, I don't understand it!
Jen W
Hi Jen,
I can relate to your story, I'm a painter/artist but was helping people with their health. I'm 75 retired nutritional consultant and my hobby was doing paintings. I didn't have to fish for compliments in my health food store, as I had plenty from my
clients. I also had about 35 paintings decorating the walls in my
store. I had never sold a painting and wasn't trying to but a Dr and writer offered to by some on my paintings and three ended up as book covers on health books. Many times I gave family important health information and never got a thank you.
I had over a 100 paintings and gave the best of them to family,
never getting compliments. So my advice is to never expect compliments from family because it will only stress you out.
your article on recognition
I found your article when binging: "Person seeking recognition verses person seeking recognition of Truth."
A world of difference! One finds depression, often thinking that he's so great he should be recognized. The other is not self-absorbed, not self aggrandizing, but pursues a higher calling.
Great article. I'm reminded
Great article. I'm reminded of a scene from "The Devil Wears Prada" when Anne Hathaway's character, working for Meryl Streep's hellish-boss character, complains to her colleague about not getting the recognition she feels she deserves for working hard. The colleague has no sympathy for her, saying: "And you're upset because she doesn't pat you on the head and give you a gold star? Wake up ... she's just doing her job."
At least in the employment field, it's necessary to provide a balance of both praise and criticism for employees. But it's somewhat astonishing to see some entering the workforce and expecting more praise when, frankly, they are just doing the job that they are paid to do. Which makes your comment on the need for self-acknowledgement so important.
I very much enjoyed this
I very much enjoyed this article. However, if we only seek, or rather, expect acceptance from ourselves, the word 'acknowledge' seems to lose its meaning. It goes without saying if we're fishing for compliments, we've already acknowledge our own accomplishments. Don't you think? I feel as social creatures it would almost be counter instinctual to not want to be praised for our accomplishments.
Normalizing the need for acknowledgment...
Thank you so much for normalizing my need for acknowledgment! Funny how i "forget" that others have that need, too, when i am hurt by not getting the acknowledgment i want (more often than not because i am withholding it from myself...). So, i am very grateful that you spent the first part of this article on outlining how this needs impacts most of us. This normalizing helps me look at it differently and lessens the pain...
And from self-acceptance comes self-acknowledgement?
Stop me if there's a part 2 to this article, but how does one become "more adept at self-acknowledgment"?
I am one of those people sitting on the "I'm just average, nothing special" middle of the fence. I'm sure it has something to do with growing up in a stoic central PA, someone always has it worse than you so don't complain culture.
That said, I recognize that I don't self-acknowledge and wonder if that's one of the reasons I don't get it (or maybe don't even realize when I'm getting it) from others.
But how do I acknowledge myself - truly tell myself I did a good job and believe it?
How do I start the process of treating myself like I'm special (not just average)?
Link to another post...
There might be more and i noticed a link in the post to another post about "the path to unconditional self-acceptance" (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/200809/the-path-unconditional-self-acceptance). Maybe that'll help us?
I'm not American but...
I relate to this and this article couldn't have come at a better time in my life. I don't just do average work like most people do. I'm not even physically fit enough for it. But I'm creative and come up with so many ideas for projects. I do creative writing, sketching/painting and photography. It can sting when someone chooses to like a photo I take over my cat that took two seconds over that piece of art I was slaving over for hours. I think in this day and age recognition will be harder, with what Lee Siegel calls the 'pro-sumer' society. The 'art' we like is the art we can replicate. Few people care about original innovative ideas anymore.
My creativity is tied to my emotional well being. If I can't create art I feel as if I'm in a deep depression. When it works out I am over the moon, and when people praise it I get a hit of dopamine. I know it's not good but I have ADHD and I'm sort of motivated by stimulation. Everything is stimulation for me; having that ability to finally focus. It's not very healthy but it's how I work. I'm doing it now.
This article was very insightful especially about why some people don't give praise and don't like receiving it. I know someone like that and we always say it's ok if someone compliments you.
I just get excited over so much that I blurt out my praises to people, and it's genuine, because I sound like an excited child in awe of a masterpiece, especially if it's food.
When it comes to drawing and photography I'm less able to do it if I don't feel it's exceptional. I can't force praise out and when I do I just go flat. People can tell. People probably think I sound arrogant and egotistical but if you've heard of autistic people who have one exceptional talent despite their impairments: art is mine.
I know that I have talent and may feel a bit superior (I've been drawing since I was 3 and winning awards since I was 10) and when people don't recognise that I don't think I don't have that talent (well, maybe with photography - maybe I'm just modest), I just get angry at them and go back to criticising the digital media generation.
I'm not a perfect person. I have my flaws and areas that require a lot of work.
Seriously, great article. Here comes that child-like over excitement.
on giving and expecting praise
You are very correct Shadrox. Very on point with myself too. I'm not American either and very similar to you. Talented in many ways, very creative until life's sorrows knocked it out of me. When I got depressed in my marriage, my creative desires withered away. More recently, after my divorce, I caught sight of a blossoming love between a couple of Facebook friends. I was so in awe of the transparent love between them that I designed a wedding gift and sent it to them. It was so beautiful and their genuine appreciation made me come out of my suppressed creativity misery.
It's true that some of us are engineered to rely on appreciative recognition in order to be spurred on and learning to not be that way can help tremendously. It's the reason I'm reading this insightful article. I give praise easily because I get excited, especially when I know the person made an effort. I'm not only praising the work, but the persons efforts too. I believe it's necessary to praise because praise helps to encourage better performance. I hope people can tell I'm being genuine not fake and I'd rather be myself. Now in the light of this article I wonder if I should pull back. I know I'll be less expectant of praise for anything I do henceforth, but won't life be a bit shallow if we all behaved the same way, never giving praise, never accepting praise?
Again, like you, since childhood I have won many awards for my creative abilities. Parental expectations and influence can make you expect praise because in my case, for the most part I was criticized no matter how good my work and effort was. So I learned to criticize myself before they did, knock my work and refuse to praise my effort because if I did and they didn't, the blow was hard to bear. When you're a child there is no tendency to self praise if its not coming from an upper level. That's probably how 'arrogance' developed too. I'm definitely not an arrogant person but I do expect certain standards. If people misread me and call me arrogant, it's another misconception I have to live with because I can't really adjust now. I'm already 'overly nice' and can't be perfect. Far from it. Sometimes it's as though people are so suspicious of who I am that they are waiting for my bad side to come out. That hardly ever happens though. I think I get the bad side of romantic relationships because I'm me. A former boyfriend once called me 'too nice'. Shortly afterwards, he dumped me. Oh well... I'm learning life's hard lessons.
What a great article. I
What a great article. I learned a lot from it. What about when someone not only does not acknowledge when I do exceptional work but actually tries to steal the credit for it? I can comfort myself for lack of acknowledgement, but cannot tolerate someone else trying to steal the credit.
withholding
I'd say this was a well-written, helpful article, but I wouldn't want it to go to your head. :-)
withholding
I'd say this was a well-written, helpful article, but I wouldn't want it to go to your head. :-)
How do we prove we have good people skills?
But how do we gauge our *social* skills, in particular, without getting recognition from others? We have a very clear picture in our heads of what a socially adept person looks and feels like, and it's a person whom others freely give favor and positive recognition to-- without undue effort, and often without asking.
Certainly, empathy is often equated with not-asking. Seems if you have to ask what's going on with someone, you're cheating. You haven't really empathized with them; which explains the rash of people thinking that they're empathetic if they go around saying, with too much certainty, "I know how you feel" a lot.
We are assumed to have faulty personalities, "auras", attitudes or just plain timing if others do not choose to gift us with sufficient favor. We blame ourselves for lacking charm and powers of attraction, for not being able to control the uncontrollable. We explain it in LOA-type fashion, by asserting that we do, in fact, have 100% control over how others treat us and if anytime something doesn't go our way (usually through others' free choice); we have failed.
How are we supposed to get around that; unless we have a way of gauging our social skills in the absence of recognition or even feedback from others?
Getting a medal for just showing up
In my workplace, with certain exceptions, there is a very obvious difference in the workplace between older and younger professionals. The younger professionals those younger than 35 years of age seem to thrive only when their egos are constantly stroked and acknowledged for a work they are expected to perform which rankles the older workers who are puzzled why certain people need to be praised for meeting minimal standards. This breeds mediocrity and animosity. That is why younger people always seem the most dissatisfied and leave a workplace, especially a high stress, high performance workplace like ICUs, emergency center, trauma centers and IT departments. The average age of professionals in these places is between 45 to 50 years.
Getting a medal for just showing up
In my workplace, with certain exceptions, there is a very obvious difference in the workplace between older and younger professionals. The younger professionals those younger than 35 years of age seem to thrive only when their egos are constantly stroked and acknowledged for a work they are expected to perform which rankles the older workers who are puzzled why certain people need to be praised for meeting minimal standards. This breeds mediocrity and animosity. That is why younger people always seem the most dissatisfied and leave a workplace, especially a high stress, high performance workplace like ICUs, emergency center, trauma centers and IT departments. The average age of professionals in these places is between 45 to 50 years.
Dr. Seltzer I really like
Dr. Seltzer I really like your article. It is so accurate in describing why people withhold compliments. I had to laugh when I read about how some individuals are only capable of backhanded compliments because it applied to me. I am currently experiencing a very difficult period in my life that I am trying to deal with as best as I can. Someone close to me recently said to me "when did you get so strong"? To me this "compliment" sounds like the person was saying that I was weak before, and now I'm strong. Is this a backhanded compliment or am I reading to much into it?
Without having a fuller
Without having a fuller context, it's really impossible to say. When these words were spoken, what was their tone? (If the word "you" was emphasized it might well have been sarcastic.) Did the other person seem to be impressed with the progress you'd made, or was he/she surresptitiously putting you down? The only thing you can do is explicitly ASK this person where they were coming from when they made the remark. I'd assume that if that person was "close" to you, they'd probably tell you the truth.
And if what they say is counter to what your experience was when they were saying it, then you might need to explore whether some old, negative bias "programmed" into you is making it difficult for you to hear accurately what's being said to you--particularly if it's positive.
Thank you for your response.
Thank you for your response. The person that I spoke about has been putting me down for a long time now, and I know it's because she has a low self-esteem & wants me to have one too. Plus as you said I think it's the only way she can feel good about herself. By the way she is not only critical of me, she is always saying something negative about people, and I do mean always! Actually at the time when she made that comment I wasn't offended because it was a whole lot nicer than some of the things she has said to me in the past. I can write a laundry list of insults that she has throw my way but I won't. Also the insult aren't only directed at me. Recently while looking at a picture of my daughter she state "when did _____ (my daughter's name) nose get so big"? It's one thing to criticize a person but to criticize their child- now that's a low blow! As for me having any possible bias about receiving compliments, no I eat them up yummy yummy:)
Insightful article!
I think your list of reasons why some people may not be willing or able to give others recognition and praise for outstanding work, is really valid. I'm going to share your list with a friend who feels like she doesn't get the recognition she deserves, often enough.
Thanks!
Great Article!
Great article! It was just what I needed, very helpful. You have such insight into the human mind, Dr. Seltzer.
I was a somewhat "famous" online poet in the late 90s. I worked for a company that published my work exclusively, and I drew a huge following. I had a lucrative income. People wrote to me every day and told me how great my work was and how meaningful it was to them. Six years later, I quit working for the company after a dispute over the payment terms of my contract. I suffered great financial loss and grieved terribly over losing my home and position, so I didn’t write for several years.
In 2009, I created a similar poetry site of my own, worked on it around the clock for a year. But it failed. To my shock, no one was interested in my work anymore. My readers had apparently moved on, and I wasn't attracting new ones. I couldn’t wrap my head around this as my work had been so popular. This threw me into an identity crisis. I suddenly didn't know who I was. I suffered great mental anguish.
Then I joined FB and reconnected with some old friends and family—even a few old readers and writer friends. But I received little praise or acknowledgement about my creative efforts, old or new. This only worsened my depression as it reinforced the notion that no one recognized my achievement.
Nevertheless, I didn’t give up on my writing career. Last year, I published a novel during the Amazon self-publishing blitz. I had worked on the novel for years, but it had gotten put aside while I’d worked for the online company. It meant so much to me. In my mind, it was going to turn things around in my life. But it too bombed. It too was ignored by family and friends. Only a couple of people congratulated me. Most ignored it. In my mind, silence was the worst criticism of all.
I haven’t written since. I'm still dealing with this crushing blow, but I'm finally beginning to heal through my faith in God, and I’m determined to tackle the rough drafts of the other books in the series again.
I’ll keep what you said in mind, and I’ll read your article about self-acceptance as I think that's just what I need. Thank you!
You will get there
You sound very insightful BB about yiur situation. Much better than being deluded by false dreams.
I hope some new opportunities have come by since your posting.
Your writing will eventually be valued by an audience in some shape or form so good luck.
Thanks!
Thank you, Chuck! Your message means so much to me. I hope you're right. I work so hard at my creative projects, and I sacrifice a great deal to do so. No new opportunities have come, but I've made tremendous progress. I currently have two more novels in the final editing stage.
Looking back, I realize that family and friends weren't supportive of me when I was successful either--never read my work, never mentioned it. The difference is, I believed in myself back then and didn't need their approbation. I'm trying to reclaim that strong and confident person I was then. I know she's still inside me somewhere. Though I still hurt, I believe I'm healing, and I'm moving ahead. . :-)
poetry of the 90's
hello bb, so do you know if your staff working with your poetry collection helped push it through? Its hard getting heard with all the other self published free poetry sites. I am of course saying that your readers may not have left, but constant exposure from advertisements have allowed a larger following.
I'm more then positive that you can get back on your horse, and recreate that poetic renaissance with a bit more elbow grease perseverance you can make it work.
Hi, Anonymous. Thank you for
Hi, Anonymous. Thank you for the well wishes and vote of confidence. Yes, there's a lot of competition out there in all fields of writing, and it's hard to find an audience now.
The company I worked for used various forms of advertising, but back then, my poetry took off on its own like wild fire. I was simply at the right place at the right time and was creating what people wanted.
I expected the same to happen on my own site but it didn't. I had no staff. It was just me--writing, coding, and designing. I admit, I'm not good at marketing. Advertising might have helped, but I doubt it would have brought the brunt of my readership back.
Why? It's really complex with multiple reasons--and, believe me, I've given it a lot of thought.
Readers are fickle and unforgiving, and the only way to keep their following is to consistently produce the kind of material they want. By disappearing for several years, I lost my fan base. The few loyal fans that found me weren't interested in my novel, because they are not the same group of readers who read such novels.
I must find my readership in the genre I'm trying to succeed in...and I'm not quite sure how.
The change in technology on the internet has also had a negative impact of my readership. The biggest killer of content sites, was, and still is, Facebook and Youtube. They hoard the majority of internet traffic.
I'm still amazed that I had millions of readers and now have nothing to show for it. But that's the nature of the internet. I believe that my phenomenal popularity in the 90's is similar to the viral videos from Youtube now. People on the internet have short attention spans, quickly lose interest, and move on to something else.
And then, the popularity of poetry comes and goes and interest is currently low. People on the internet now want instant gratification, videos or visual content that's unique.
And there are probably other reasons that I've not yet figured out. I'm not sure where to go from here, but I'm not about to quit trying.
On the positive side, one of my early short stories is about to be made into a play, and I’m very happy about that. :-)
Keep the faith
BB, what struck me about your story is how much you kept trying, even in the face of adversity. I was very struck by your tenacity, and I hope things will work out in your favor.
My sister, a college professor, had two poems published in a journal last year. They were beautiful poems, but none of her colleagues or friends commented on them. I think sometimes other people put off reading anything that takes time and then eventually forget the whole thing. Seems pretty rude to me, but people have a Twitter mindset nowadays.
Hope things are going well for you.
CL
Seeking recognition
Hi BB, I felt the necessity to comment and possibly advice you on your status (Not being recognized for your poetic creativity). The truth is, the internet is a very liquid place these days. As opposed to the 90s, there is far too much content at any reader's disposal a quarter century later. Best not to take to heart the fact that "no one recognizes you anymore". The more you work towards that achievement, the further away you are to getting it, as you have realized yourself.
You have to divert your mind - you are not writing or creating to receive external recognition, but to receive self-recognition, self-accomplishment. One of your greatest accomplishments would be for you to realize that external recognition is not your focus anymore. Once you are firmly out of the realm of seeking external recognition, you'll be surprised at how fast it'll suddenly all come back.
Also, if you haven't already done so, try changing your style, your model. Find an innovative way to get your word out yonder. Facebook users thrive on graphical quotes. Try to turn your poetry into little episodes like that, with beautiful or attractive background images. You can also make little videos out of them. In case you need assistance, ronkeh@gmail.com. I'll be happy to assist.
Another thing, seek the joy out of the "crushing blows" you tend to experience. For instance, imagine (dream) yourself being applauded for your accomplishments. Experience the joy and happiness from that level and let it become like second nature to you. When you do this, you will attract more of that which you dream and desire. Recoiling from an area of negativity is not easy but it does get better with practice. I have a similar story (I commented months ago under this very topic) but I use the Laws of Attraction principles to get by and it helps a great deal.
And why not? What have you to lose except control over negative feelings? Let go and let the positive in. There's much more to gain from that. I bid you all the best in your endeavors.
Hi BB my pleasure, I'm glad
Hi BB my pleasure, I'm glad you have persisted and have something in the works.
I've slowly come to the view that pleasing yourself with your creativity is the most important thing so when I don't get any praise or applause I tell myself ( a lot) that of course that's what comes from 'feeding strawberries to pigs' ! It makes me laugh which softens the blow and reminds me that I don't always need permission or approval to continue what I do even though it's nice when it arrives.
I also try and draw inspiration from others with struggles and challenges.
Recently an Australian novelist decided to write a book because no one wanted to look at his film script unless it was attached to a book. It was very hard for him to accomplish this as he didn't really do books and he nearly lost it all in the process. But it all worked out. It's called The Rosie Project. it's become quite big and yes there is going to be a film.
When I hear things like these it gives me faith that things do happen when it's all looking lost and too difficult and no one supports you. Hope your hard work pays off in exciting ways for you too.
Chuck, You said: "It makes me
Chuck,
You said: "It makes me laugh which softens the blow and reminds me that I don't always need permission or approval to continue what I do even though it's nice when it arrives."
Very wise words and ones I'm trying to live by.
Thank you for telling me about the Rosie Project. I'll have to check that out.
Again, I appreciate your gracious support. :-)
compliments
Been married many years. Husband cannot & WILL NOT give compliments of any kind EVER. I have verbally & in writing pointed this out to him, for some yrs he denied he didn't give compliments...think it is because he wants all the attention, has a big ego, is a small person in many ways, self centered, selfish and feels entitled to make no efforts of any kind. His family of origin are cold fish with few social skills. With time, one would hope that one would learn from others, by example, but no.
Husband won't compliment anything - nice meal, my looks, personality, anything. Some day he will get it hopefully...........doubt it.
I think those that can't give compliments are unappreciative, have no gratitude & think they deserve everything. Petty people in many ways.
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Compliments
I keep thinking of Cooley's social psychological concept of the "looking glass self." Basically he said that we know who we are based on the feedback and judgement of others. They reflect back to us who we are. There are times when we may not know what we're doing right unless others tell us. I think that developing good self-appreciation is not enough because we social animals, not solitary ones.
I also think that relationships are built on reciprocity. If all of the positive feedback is going in one direction, there is no reciprocity. I am talking about work relationships. I am talking about family and friends.
As for work, there are times when pointing out someone's talents may have a big impact on them, especially if they are recognized for a skill or quality they didn't realize they had, or that was exceptional. It might make them consider options they had not previously considered.
I
I understand this only to a
I understand this only to a certain degree. But it lonely to only rely on yourself for motivation, and it doesn't completely solve my problem.
Thank you
I came upon this today because I grew up with parents who withheld compliments. I won awards, the highest grades, was voted most talented in both MIddle School and High school, and I have never once had my parents tell me they were proud of me. It's been a tumultuous relationship, and though it felt like they have tried to make improvements I recently had a big accomplishment (for me) musically. My musical peers gave glowing reviews, and from my parents not a word. This happened a few years back when I had photos published in a book. Neither of my parents compliment me to my face...they have written a note here or there to say they "good job," but that is as far as it goes and I will be 40 this year. They are also very quick with the judging and criticizing.
Anyway, there was a moderate amount of comfort to be had in knowing there are enough people like my parents that an article could be written about it. Thank you for addressing the topic. I would like to add a tip to those who find themselves in my position: I give myself 'permission' or tell myself "it's okay. I don't *need* them to like me". This applies to so many situations. It frees me to be myself and not be disappointed by flack of acceptance, acknowledgement, and so forth. It helps some with my parents, but as I go through my own journey as a parent and see how much I want to praise and adore my own children it is hard not to feel these feelings of anguish and resentment toward my own parents even though I don't need their love now...the effects of that withheld adoration in my childhood live on...
Thank you again for your information. I am glad it is available for people like myself.
As I think I mention
As I think I mention somewhere in this post--or at least in some of my other posts (I've done over 300 by now!), sometimes others CAN'T acknowledge you 'cause THEY were never acknowledged and for them to do so would open up the flood gates of their own unresolved pain, which they may not have the emotional resources to tolerate. All very sad, and your post is very touching.
If you ever talk to your parents about such things, you might ask them whether they were constantly criticized in growing up and how it made them feel. They may have been victims of a similar lack of recognition that you, historically, have experienced at their hands. Great, though, that you're not subjecting your own children to the same abuse.
And, by the way, CONGRATULATIONS on all your successes in life . . . as well as the insight you've gained about your emotional deprivations from the past.
Thank you again
Thank you again for your kind reply. You did mention that in the article. It wouldn't surprise me with my Dad because he had a very complicate home life growing up, but I have tried to understand my mother...she always talks about how doting and loving her father was.
I have made the mistake of trying to resolve things with my parents and discuss my upbringing. They deny everything that ever happened. No chance of closure or resolution through talking with them. It just becomes that much more painful to have them tell me they never did things that happened and affected me deeply. If it weren't for giving my children a chance to have a relationship with their grandparents I would have minimal contact with my parents. They are punitive-minded people...they will punish emotionally if they can. I once said something that upset my mom, and when I tried to apologize and hug her she recoiled and wouldn't let me hug her. She also tries to create rifts between my siblings and myself. Too much to go into, honestly.
Again, thank you for your response, and it was extremely kind of you to give me an acknowledgement of the accomplishments I have had. I can't thank you enough. You clearly have a kind heart in addition to your professional wisdom and experience.
Not Deserved
What if you work in a small town where everyone lauds each other for accomplishments that are fake, fraudulent, and or otherwise undeserved? I have worked in a small town at the same place for 25 years. I am the one that is given the undesirable, difficult, and nearly impossible projects which I am very adept at handling. My boss smooths the path for certain favorites as they are rewarded and recognized for doing nothing. However, if I left, this place would fold. I know this. They know this. The favorites could never do what I can do -- not even close! I do try to keep my chin up, do a good job, take the high moral road, but when I read that a coworker is receiving recognition at the state level for the handling of a project that wasn't handled well (I was there, we finally had to figure out the program for ourselves), it can be a bitter pill to swallow sometimes.
Ideally, this would be
Ideally, this would be something you could talk to your boss about. But if for some reason this relationship is problematic and it would be imprudent to do so, then it may be something that you either have to resign yourself to . . . or resign.
Closer to Home
If you establish a domain of power, a black box of activity, your peers and leadership may not realize the difference between when one day you flick a finger to resolve a seemingly big problem and the next day you moved heaven and earth and barely saved the company from exploding.
You may train them not to know when praise and/or reward is appropriate.
No recognition from husband
I just retired from a 30 year career in policing. I have raised the boys, been promoted and gave my family a good life. My husband came late to my work retirement party, arriving after the event. He didn't bother to bring my kids; and blamed it on the organizer for giving the wrong time. Which was not the case. In my last day I thought I would come home to at least flowers. Nope. He said a retirement should be the one recognizing me for my work. Other people in my life sent me flowers and gifts. I world expect a thank you from my husband. Now when I tell him this, I sound like a needy person. Any kind of shine that has come my way, he never acknowledges it. He does not see that he is doing anything wrong. Is it wrong for me to seek some kind of recognition from my husband? And why has he done this through my 28 year marriage? Very hurtful. Even when I tell him that, he won't compliment me.
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