How Emotional Intelligence Shapes Healthier Relationships

Have you watched Netflix’s Nobody Wants This yet? Just in case you haven’t, I won’t go into the details. For this post, all you need to know is that it’s a love story filled with emotional intelligence. As a psychologist who helps people build and grow their emotional intelligence, I was delighted to watch it being portrayed in a way that will likely encourage others to express and regulate their emotions in healthy ways.

I work with a lot of teens and young adults and as I’m sure you can imagine, relationship issues come up quite a bit. Whether it’s navigating problems with a close friend or deciding whether to date someone, adolescents are learning how to get in touch with their feelings, share them in a way that feels safe and helpful, manage the intense feelings before they become out of control, and figuring out how their feelings fit into their relationships. It’s a lot. Most shows don’t help with any of this since they highlight emotionally immature adults as the norm—adults spy on one another, are constantly jealous or controlling, misread situations rather than ask questions, and hide what they’re thinking and feeling from those they love. Add in social media posts where adolescents are told how love conquers all or that love will heal you and it’s no wonder many teens and young adults struggle with relationships.

What Is Emotional Intelligence?

Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand and manage your own emotions, as well as recognize and influence the emotions of others. It’s about being aware of how you feel, why you feel that way, and how those feelings affect your actions and relationships. As I explain in my book, The Emotionally Intelligent Teen, it’s made up of three categories: self-awareness, self-regulation, and interpersonal skills. When people are high in emotional intelligence, they’re able to navigate everyday interactions, make better decisions, and maintain healthier relationships.

Self-Awareness

In the show Nobody Wants This, both characters are aware of what they’re feeling and why. They understand how much they enjoy one another yet are also aware of the stress that comes along with their relationship due to faith and cultural differences. The male love lead (Brody) recently ended a long-term relationship, which creates stress for the new relationship. We watch how well the female lead (Bell) communicates her concerns and jealousy while he shares his thoughts and feelings about it. It might look simple on the screen, but this is a complicated process that requires feeling identification, vulnerability, empathy, and expression (verbal and nonverbal). We can easily see how quickly things could unravel if one of those pieces were missing, for example, if Bell were to shut down and withdraw rather than tell him she’s feeling insecure or if Brody were to call her unstable or crazy after she talks through some of her concerns.

Self-Regulation

Managing their emotions in healthy ways is another key ingredient to their love story (and emotional intelligence). If we want to be in mature and healthy relationships with friends, family members, colleagues, or lovers, we must be able to handle our feelings, especially the intense or difficult ones. When Bell learns of Brody seeing his ex-girlfriend, we watch her start to become dysregulated. She’s crying and visibly upset; however, instead of storming off or making accusations, she asks questions and allows him to respond. As she listens, we see her start to become regulated. While we don’t know what her internal process is for regulation, most people utilize self-talk and deep breathing in these types of situations to calm themselves down. But in making a good show, her self-regulation is short-lived and doesn’t spill over into her interaction with her sister. (In an alternate universe where she continues to self-regulate, she’d use the same techniques with her sister as she did with Brody and stay calm and curious while listening to her sister’s explanation. They would then immediately get to the bottom of the situation and their relationship would be stronger than before.)

Interpersonal Skills

Communicating clearly, resolving conflicts, and working well with others is the last essential component of emotional intelligence and we get to see this occur on the show as well. Brody and Bell have many obstacles in their young relationship but because they’re both committed to being honest and being together, they’re able to navigate them respectfully (for the most part, it is a show after all, we need a bit of drama here and there). Many of our romance shows and movies are made up of people not communicating what they want or need, avoiding conflict at all costs, or making conflict worse by being highly dysregulated. It’s a nice change for people, especially adolescents, to have an example of what can happen when both sides are willing to be open and honest, even when it's hard, and to face conflicts head-on rather than run from them.

Nobody Wants This isn’t perfect but it’s a great example of what can happen when individuals are committed to their emotional intelligence. I’ve started recommending it to my adolescent clients and am having them journal after each episode about how their self-awareness affects their relationships; when self-regulation (or lack thereof) has affected an important interaction, and how they’ve been able to successfully resolve conflicts with those they love. I love having this show as a fun stepping stone to these important conversations.