5 Tips to Be Heard and to Listen Better

In Part 1 of this post on listening, you learned about Mike and Vanessa. Mike was insulted because Vanessa didn't listen well. It's not that Vanessa spaced out intentionally. She really struggled to listen. Here are tips for people who want to be better heard and for people who struggle to listen well.

5 tips to create a better listener

1. Before you start speaking, ask if the other person is in a place to listen.
2. Let them know that what you're about to say is important. Consider sharing how long you need their attention and if you want advice, support, or validation.
3. Request eye contact. Eye contact can help hold a person's connection to you.
4. If you see in their eyes or other non-verbal communication that you've lost them, ask, "Did you go away?" Or, "Did I lose you?" This helps them come back. Then you can pick up where you lost them. The sooner you notice they have "left the building," the better, so you don't have to repeat too much of what you were saying.
5. Each time they check out, take a deep breath, believe they care and can't help it, and ask if they are ready to listen again. Or take a break if you feel too irritated to continue. But try to own your feelings: "I am annoyed. I know you can't help it. When I calm down, we can try again."

5 tips to listen better

1. Actively access your curious mind. Get curious about your partner. How to practice: Slow down. Sit or stand still together. Look into your partner's eyes. Breathe deeply to calm your mind and body, feel your feet on the floor, and set the intention to get into a curious state of mind. When you have accessed some true curiosity in what your partner will share with you, scan your body up and down slowly so you can check into how your body is reacting—the body seldom lies. Wait 30 seconds or more for your body sensations to come up into your conscious awareness. What sensations let you know you're in a curious state of mind? Feeling open is a marker of curiosity. Feeling connection and some energy towards your partner are other markers.
2. Listen to understand. How to practice: Ask your partner to talk more slowly or rapidly to find the talking speed where you can best process what they are saying. Stop your partner if you don't understand what they are saying at a certain point. For example, my husband will sometimes start sharing about his business and get deep into the numbers of a spreadsheet, which I cannot follow. It's at this point that I will struggle to pay attention to him. I will interrupt the conversation and say, "I want to understand everything you're saying. Would you help me by talking much more slowly so I can stay with you?
3. Make sure you're not just waiting to talk. How to practice: As you listen to your partner, try to simultaneously sense if you’re wanting to speak. If so, validate that natural impulse without judging yourself. Then, breathe deeply to slow down your body so you can notice and name the emotions and sensations that arise when you control the impulse to speak. Validate all your emotions and vow to tend to them later. Remind yourself you can talk and be heard soon. Just not now because now you're the one listening. If you cannot listen, stop and own that. Apologize and feel good about your ability to be accountable for your actions. Stay positively connected. Let your partner know you want to listen but are struggling right now for whatever reason.
4. Imagine what the speaker is feeling as they are talking. How to practice: As you listen closely to your partner share, listen with your eyes as well. Maintain eye contact, and try to feel what your partner is feeling. Tune into the tone of voice, body language, energy level, eyes, and facial expressions so you can better connect to their emotional message as well as their words. Are they excited? Sad? Upset?
5. Re-engage your curiosity. Listening is hard! Resist the temptation to judge yourself, or to give up. How to practice: Slow down. Keep trying to notice and name the emotions and sensations that arise when you try to listen. You may notice boredom, anger, sadness, fear, and more. Validate all your emotions and vow to tend to them at some point with curiosity. Validate the natural desire to talk. Remind yourself you can talk and be listened to soon, just not now, because now you're listening instead.

Setting an intention to listen, and being honest when you can’t, shows you care about your partner.