Michele Weiner-Davis LCSW

Talking About the Affair

To ask or not to ask, that is the question.

Posted Jan 30, 2017

Learning that your spouse has been unfaithful is a very dark day in most people’s lives. They often feel as if their lives are shattered. They’re deeply hurt, devastated, enraged, and disoriented. Once the shock subsides, betrayed spouses typically try to make sense of their upended lives. Their minds fill with endless questions about the affair- “How could you do this to me?” “Who was this person?” “Is it still on-going?” “Where did you meet?” “How long has this been going on?” “What was your sex like?” “Do you love him?” “Are you still in contact?” “Is she a better lover?” “How will I ever be able to trust you again?”

In the early stages of recovery, many couples have marathon talk sessions. Frequently, the unfaithful spouse is willing to engage in these conversations in an effort to help the betrayed spouse regain equilibrium. But when the “need to know” lingers, unfaithful spouses begin to question the value of talking about the affair. After all, talking about what happened doesn’t feel very good.

And it is at this juncture that many couples seek professional help. They’re looking for some direction about the usefulness of discussing the details of the betrayal. They want a mediator, someone who can tell them who’s right and who’s wrong.

After decades of specializing in work with couples who are reeling from the aftermath of the discovery of an affair, I can tell you this: they’re both right.

On one hand, my experience has taught me that if a betrayed spouse has unanswered questions that plague him or her, there must be transparency. The questions need to be answered honestly and thoroughly. One of the worst things an unfaithful spouse can do is to withhold information. Having information leak out gradually over weeks or months is re-traumatizing to the betrayed spouse, damaging trust-building efforts, sometimes irreparably.

The betrayed spouse needs to assess whether the Q&A sessions are helping or hindering by asking, “When I get the information, do I feel better or worse?” If the answer is better, it pays to persist. If the answer is worse because now there are images, flashbacks, and hurtful ruminating thoughts, the betrayed spouse must find ways to resist the temptation to ask additional questions. The key here is that the betrayed spouse gets to determine how long conversations about the affair persist.

Another point needs to be made about the times when couples discuss the affair. Answers to questions about the infidelity often are painful for the betrayed spouse to hear. And when the pain arises, it’s fairly common for the betrayed spouse to feel like lashing out at their unfaithful partner. Although this may be understandable, it’s not an effective way to encourage honesty and openness in the marriage.

Betrayed spouses need to be coached about the importance of expressing appreciation to the unfaithful spouse for being willing to share uncomfortable details. This fosters collaboration and minimizes the shame unfaithful spouses often feel, shame that gets in the way of being emotionally available.

On the other hand, it’s also important to create times when there is no discussion about the affair, when the couple focuses on neutral or even pleasant topics and activities together. After all, if all you focus on is the pain, it becomes challenging to heal. That’s because what you focus on expands.

How a therapist navigates this common disagreement between spouses who are attempting to heal after an affair can greatly affect the therapeutic outcome. In the early stages of recovery, it’s important to provide concrete guidance and a healthy dose of hope in order for marriages to survive.

For more information about helping couples work through the pain of betrayal and restore their love, read my new book, Healing from Infidelity.

Differing roles of betrayed spouse

Submitted by Anonymous on February 8, 2017 - 12:31am

This article and referenced book seems to assume the betrayed spouse had no reason to suspect an affair and was devastated when he/she found out. Of a handful of couples I know, a few fit that pattern. But in one case, the affair could hardly have been a surprise to the wife because he had done almost everything, including hauling her off to therapy, to try to restore their sex life. Lots of talk, but never resulted in sex. He even suggested an open marriage, which she didn't want. He drew up divorce papers, which she wanted nothing to do with. So thought it may not have been the recommended thing, he told her he'd go out and get a girlfriend. She didn't believe he had the guts. He went out and found a girlfriend, and moved in with her. His wife was shocked that he could pull it off, and begged him to come home. After about a month, he started missing his kids a lot, panicked, broke up with the girlfriend (mistress) and moved back home. Is this book still helpful to a couple like that? The article and book seem to miss the mark on a number of points for this particular couple, as I comment below.

wrote:

Their minds fill with endless questions about the affair- “How could you do this to me?”

In their case, the wife knew that her husband went outside the marriage to get what she was all too aware of denying her husband in the first place.

wrote:

“Is she a better lover?”

In their case, since there was no sex at all, the answer would be yes.

wrote:

“How will I ever be able to trust you again?”

The husband is a very nerdy and otherwise extremely loyal man. Almost impossible imagining him being unfaithful for no good reason. It took years of frustration and trying to talk to his wife before he decided to do anything like this. So, yes, this guy is totally trustworthy if you treat him normally.

wrote:

My question is, does the approach suggested here and in the book apply to this kind of case too? Is it easier for a marriage to heal when the betrayed spouse realizes they had a role in the affair? It would seem so because it should have been less of a surprise, and the betrayed spouse should feel he/she can be part of the change, in contrast to the betrayed spouse who feels helpless and has to rely solely on the spouse to improve?

Differing roles of betrayed spouse

Submitted by Michele Weiner-Davis LCSW on February 8, 2017 - 9:30am

You ask excellent questions. Of course, every situation is slightly different and the program for healing outlined in the book is helpful, even if people have to make some adjustments in their thinking about their unique situation.

I'm assuming you haven't read the book, because most betrayed spouses DO get to the point where they have some understanding, and even empathy, for their unfaithful partners. This is an important part of the healing process.

But here's another thing you should know. Even if this woman understood that her not wanting sex with her husband may have been at the root of his decision, the fact that he actually had an affair can still be confusing, disorienting and devastating to her. Logic and emotions don't always go hand in hand.

That said, there are some people who are able to accept that their unwillingness to be fully emotionally and physically available in their marriages is a key factor in the infidelity. And because of this awareness, they want to make personal changes to make the marriage better.

Another thing. You mentioned that they went to a therapist where the husband discussed his unhappiness about their sexual relationship. Unfortunately, many therapists are not trained to help couples who have a desire gap.

That's why I wrote my book, The Sex-Starved Marriage, and did a TEDx talk on the same topic.

You're right, however, both people have work to do for the healing to occur. It's NEVER just one person's responsibility.
Thanks for your thoughtful questions.
Michele

What State Are You?

Submitted by Tony on September 13, 2018 - 6:28am

Are you still working as a therapist?
Where are you located?

State

Submitted by Michele on September 13, 2018 - 7:40am

I’m in Corodao. Read Healing from Infidelity.

Marriage and Lust

Submitted by Alessio Ventura on June 6, 2017 - 3:07pm

My wife is very attractive and goes to the gym daily. She has a great shape for any age.

I have noticed recently that she has become more attracted to women. It is not unusual for a woman to observe and comment on "how pretty" anotjer woman is; that I believe is common place.

However, recently I have noticed that my wife's verbage has increased in intensity when commenting on other women, saying things like, "She has a pretty shape", "Wow, what does she do to keep her butt so shapely and tight", or "Her breasts are almost a perfect size and shape."

Now, if this was ALL that had happened, I would have shrugged it off. However, one day, I was drivng to a dinner, and a male friend was in the front passenger seat. My wife was in the back seat with a mutual female friend. Suddenly, my male friend had a grin from ear to ear, amd he motioned to me to take a look in the back. I looked and could not believe my eyes.

The ladies had previously bough bagels with cream cheese, and I could hear without looking back that they both were in a "giddy" mood. They were giggling and telling jokes, and I could hear that they were talking about me.

Anyway, when I finally turned around, my wife was licking cream off of our female friend's lips. I mean, the toungue was out, and she was going to town, and our female friend was returning tje favor. Within seconds it turned into a full blown French kiss session that lasted for about 30 seconds.

My male friend and I looked at each other in utter disbelief, but with happy lools on our faces.

Well, at the venue, which included a band and a dance floor, we would periodically see my wife and our mutual female friend hold hands while walking to the bar together, they would dance together, and they would from time to time do that dry hump dance, where one would turn their backside to the other and gyrate their rear end, while the partner would rub the genital area against the gyrating rear end.

About 2 months after that, we went on a cruise together with our female friend and her family. During the cruise this female friemd would get very "touchy-feely", often grabbing my butt while I was by the pool, and sometimes, she would spontaneously kiss me on the lips in front of my wife.

Once during the cruise, we were all hanging out in the cabin used by me an my wife. The ladies asked me to go get them each a drink, which I did, and when I came back, they did not open the door for a good 5 minutes. Oh, they heard me knocking, but all I heard was giggling and laughing, and sometimes low level moans, the kind you let out when you are getting a massage.

After 5min, our female friend opened the door, and her hair was obviously frazzled. She was also wearing her bikini, whereas when I had left the room to get drinks, she was wearing shorts and a shirt. I peeked in and my wife was also down to her bathing suit.

I was feeling a bit wierd after hearing and seeing this, so when they asked me to hurry back in with the drinks, I decided to just place the drinks on the table and I told them I was going to go grab a snack.

I came back about an hour later and both were konked out on the same bed, sleeping.

Now, I don't want to jump the gun here, but does it seem like my wife has lesbian tendencies? Is there enough evidence here to conclude that she is bisexual? Is our mutual female friend now my wife's lover? Were the two of them trying to ensnare me into a threesome on the cruise?

I had previously posted another story about my wife in a limo and what she may have done with a man in the limo, and I had also described an event in which my wife stayed over somewhere (not our home) after we got into a big argumemt. This story herein may point to the fact that she is exploring alternatives.

I am not necessarily concerned about her potential bisexuality, which in a way, turns me on, especially simce this mutual female friend seems to be willing to explore with me as well.

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About the Author

Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW, is the Director of The Divorce Busting Center in Boulder, Colorado and Woodstock, Illinois and founder of divorcebusting.com.

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