Four Effortless Relationship Hacks

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One day last week I came home from work to find that my husband had washed all of the dishes, but neglected to clean the remaining food out of the drain in the kitchen sink. I was immediately frustrated. He had taken the time to wash all of the dishes; why didn't he take one more minute to clean the drain? And then I paused, and realized that I was interpreting his behavior incorrectly. I needed to focus on the fact that my husband had washed all the dishes, not the fact that he had not cleaned the drain. When I changed my perception of his behavior I was happy and grateful for what my he had done. And I realized there are other effortless ways to improve our relationships.

1. Change Your Perceptions

The anecdote above is related to equity theory, which was developed by John Stacey Adams in 1965. Adams theorized that our relationship satisfaction is determined by our perceptions of the rewards we get from a relationship as well as the costs we dedicate to a relationship and our investment in that relationship. Adams suggests that when we feel like we are incurring most of the costs and reaping fewer rewards we feel less satisfied with our relationships. To remedy that situation, we can change what we put into the relationship, what we get out of the relationship, or merely our perception of it. Changing our perceptions is the easiest way to improve our relationships: It involves only changing our thoughts, not our behaviors. Changing our perceptions may be warranted as well. Grote and Clark (2001) point out that although we are almost always aware of our own contributions to the relationship (I always notice when I do the laundry), we may not always be aware of our partner's contributions.

2. Accentuate the Positive

When we emphasize the positive aspects of our partners or our relationships, those idealistic views can lead to more positive behaviors in the future. As Murray and colleagues (1996b) reported, idealizing a partner over time "appeared to create the relatities [couples] desired as these romances developed" (p. 1169). Couples that viewed each other positively at the start of the study experienced less conflict and reported being happier in their relationships over the course of a year. Similarly, couples that tended to make "relationship-enhancing" attributions (for example thinking that your partner bought you flowers because he is so loving and kind rather than thinking that it was to make up for an indiscretion) had more secure attachment styles as well as stronger relationship satisfaction (Sümer and Cozzarelli, 2004).

3. Do or Say Something Different

Those of us in long-term relationships sometimes fall into familiar routines, so a break from the routine can enhance our relationships. For example, research by Aron and colleagues (2000) shows that when couples engage in novel activities (especially exciting activities), they also report enhanced relationship quality. This can be as simple as dancing in your living room rather than sitting on the sofa. If you don't have the time or energy to plan an exciting activity, turn up the music. Music can enhance our physiological arousal and can make our partners more sexually attractive (especially male partners, see Marin et al., 2017). Additionally, consider expressing your love for your partner in a different way than you usually do. Men say that they express love by initiating sex or sharing household activities, while women say they express love by showing affection or avoiding criticism (Shoenfeld et al., 2012). If you repeatedly express your love in the same way, these behaviors may go unnoticed by your partner as expressions of love. Express your love for your partner in a way that is new to both of you.

4. Make Meaningful Eye Contact

Sustained eye contact even among strangers stimulates feelings of liking and loving (Kellerman et al., 1989). Gazing into your partner's eyes rather than at your electronic device can help to remind you of your tender feelings for one another. Furthermore, eye contact with an attractive companion (Kampe et al., 2001) and observing a smile (O'Doherty et al., 2003) enhances activation in the area of the brain associated with reward. The reward center of the brain is also involved in feelings of sexual desire and love (Cacioppo et al., 2012). Try gazing into your partner's eyes without smiling, and I'm certain you will soon be both gazing and smiling!

Try these effortless strategies to improve your romantic relationships today. Or consider some romantic resolutions or embodying the traits of a great romantic partner. You won't be disappointed!

Portions of this post were adapted from The Social Psychology of Attraction and Romantic Relationships. Copyright Madeleine A. Fugere, 2015.