The Cost of Comparisons

"I know I love her, but I feel..."

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Comparison culture can subtly but powerfully trigger delayed trauma reactions, especially for those who have navigated the emotional complexities of infertility. While not inherently traumatic itself, comparison culture can illuminate unresolved pain and reignite feelings long thought to be buried.

Clara’s Story

Two years after Clara and Mark welcomed their daughter through egg donation, their lives seemed to have settled into happiness. Parenthood brought immense joy, and their focus on raising their child left little room to revisit the struggles of the past. Yet, as Clara began reconnecting with friends and sharing glimpses of her life as a mother, she found herself grappling with unexpected emotions.

Scrolling through social media and entering normal life with others with expanding families, Clara felt a quiet sadness begin to creep in. The feelings confused her. She had her daughter, the child she had dreamed of for so long. Why, then, did she feel so overwhelmed? Why did emotions of inadequacy, loss, and even grief resurface? Clara came to realize that she was not just comparing herself to others; she was confronting unresolved emotions from her fertility journey.

Clara’s experience reveals how emotions long suppressed during the urgency of infertility treatments can resurface in seemingly stable moments. This phenomenon is often described as delayed trauma, in which the mind and body revisit unprocessed emotions once they feel safe enough to do so.

The Hidden Nature of Delayed Trauma

Delayed trauma refers to emotional and physical symptoms of a traumatic event that emerge long after the event has passed. Unlike immediate trauma responses, which are often acute and recognizable, delayed trauma can manifest as subtle shifts in mood, physical health, or behavior. The DSM-5 recognizes this phenomenon as “PTSD with delayed expression,” in which full symptoms do not appear until at least six months after the trauma (American Psychiatric Association, 2013).

However, not all delayed trauma presents as PTSD. Emotional numbness, chronic fatigue, irritability, and recurring feelings of sadness can all indicate unresolved trauma. And trauma is often stored in the body, expressing itself through physical and emotional symptoms that seem disconnected from the original experience (van der Kolk, 2015).

How Comparison Culture Amplifies Delayed Trauma

Research suggests that delayed-onset PTSD is most likely to develop in individuals experiencing subthreshold symptoms of PTSD—those that do not meet full diagnostic criteria but still indicate significant emotional distress. Additional life stressors or traumatic events often serve as catalysts, exacerbating these symptoms and increasing the likelihood of delayed trauma responses (Breslau et al., 1999; Smid et al., 2009).

For individuals like Clara, comparison can become one such stressor, amplifying dormant feelings of inadequacy and grief. These seemingly innocuous triggers can overwhelm an already stretched emotional system, forcing latent emotional challenges to resurface.

Clara’s experience demonstrates this dynamic vividly. During her fertility treatments, she may not have met the criteria for PTSD, but the journey left her with unresolved trauma that remained buried while she focused on survival. The strain of early motherhood, coupled with the sleep deprivation that often accompanies it, further taxed her nervous system. As life stabilized and she returned to social media, the exposure to milestones she had struggled to achieve subtly wore down her emotional resilience, bringing unprocessed feelings to the surface.

Comparison culture often acts as a silent amplifier of trauma, nudging buried emotions into the light. Many people navigate challenging experiences by focusing on immediate survival, setting aside deeper emotions such as grief or loss to manage the demands at hand. Over time, when life becomes more stable and predictable, these unprocessed emotions may begin to surface. Comparison culture often plays a significant role in this process.

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Social Media Amplifies Emotional Triggers

Social media, by its nature, presents an idealized version of reality. Coming into contact with seemingly perfect lives can magnify feelings previously suppressed, acting as a catalyst for the mind to revisit and process unhealed emotional wounds. Constant exposure to such content magnifies grief, highlighting the gap between reality and perception.

Research indicates that excessive social media use is linked to increased anxiety, depression, and feelings of inadequacy (Huang, 2017), all of which can exacerbate existing emotional challenges.

Signs of Delayed Trauma in Fertility Challenges

Delayed trauma can be elusive, with common signs including persistent sadness, chronic fatigue, and withdrawal from social interactions. Everyday triggers like baby showers or family growth can evoke significant discomfort. These signs underscore a crucial misunderstanding: The arrival of a child does not resolve the deep-seated emotional complexities of infertility.

One of the most pervasive misconceptions about infertility is that having a baby “fixes” it. While achieving parenthood can bring immense joy, it may still not erase the grief, loss, or trauma associated with the fertility journey. Infertility leaves emotional scars that often resurface unexpectedly, even years later.

Parenthood brought happiness for Clara, but it also highlighted what had been lost: the ease of conceiving, the idealized vision of growing her family, and her genetic connection to her child. Returning to social media and seeing others expanding their own families with ease became a powerful reminder of those losses. These feelings are not a reflection of failure or ingratitude but a natural response to the layered emotions of infertility.

Steps Toward Healing

Healing from delayed trauma requires patience, support, and a willingness to acknowledge unresolved feelings. Here are some steps that can help:

1. Recognize the Pattern. Acknowledge that emotions resurfacing in response to comparison are valid.
2. Seek Professional Support. Trauma-informed therapists can provide tools to address unresolved emotions.
3. Create Space for Grief. Allow yourself to mourn the aspects of your fertility journey that were painful or unfulfilled.
4. Reframe Your Narrative. Rewrite your story where the focus is on resilience and strength rather than loss.
5. Limit Comparisons. Curate your social media environment to minimize exposure to triggering content.
6. Reconnect with Your Body. Mindfulness, yoga, or gentle walking can help rebuild the connection between mind and body, fostering a sense of safety and grounding.

Healing is not about erasing the past but about integrating it into a more compassionate understanding of oneself. Infertility leaves an indelible mark, but it can also uncover profound resilience. By recognizing the impact of comparison culture and addressing delayed trauma with kindness, individuals can reclaim their narratives and move forward with renewed strength. Healing is always possible, no matter when it begins.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.