Should You Keep a Secret?

So you have a secret, and you’re not sure whether to tell or stay silent. What should you do?

When you find yourself in this uncomfortable spot, here are some points to help you consider your options.

The first consideration is whose secret it is. Is it yours, or did someone else entrust you with their (or someone else’s) information?

If the secret is yours, of course, it’s up to you whether you’ll keep it and if not, whom you’ll tell.

If there’s a deadline of some sort, after which it won’t matter whether you tell, see if you can use the decision algorithm in my post, "How to Make a Good Decision in 7 (Reasonably Easy) Steps.".

If there’s no deadline, you get to decide day by day whether to continue to keep your own secret. The only “forever” decision is when you decide to tell someone else.

If you share your secret with even one other person, assume it will eventually reach “unauthorized parties”—that is, people you never intended to let in on it.

The best-kept secret is the one known only to you.

Relationship Matters

If you’ve been asked to sit on information belonging to someone else, and you’re not sure whether to keep their secret, ask yourself the following two questions.

1. Did you agree to keep the secret?

Sometimes people will tell you something, and only afterwards say, “Don’t tell anyone!” If this feels like a foul to you, that’s because it is.

By telling you a secret without first getting your consent, they put you in a situation you didn’t choose. You're under no obligation to respect the terms of a contract you didn't sign.

It’s probably okay to let the person know if they’ve put you in a difficult position. At the very least, it may encourage them to think twice before doing it again.

If you agreed to keep the secret, then under normal circumstances, it’s best if you can stick to your word.

If the circumstances surrounding the secret aren’t normal, you may want to talk to your therapist about it. A therapist is required to guard the confidentiality of everything you tell them unless someone’s life is at stake. In that case, your therapist may be required to make a report to local authorities.

If you agreed to keep the secret but now feel like spilling the beans, ask yourself this:

2. How much do you value the relationship?

Keeping someone’s secret can bond the two of you together. But it can also tear a relationship apart.

For various reasons, it might feel important to you not to carry the secret.

Maybe you want to keep someone from getting hurt or avoid being implicated in something that feels shady.

Is it possible to convince the person that their secret, like a satisfying burp after a large meal, is better out than in?

Think about the consequences to your relationship of failing to keep the secret, versus keeping it.

Your connection with this person will likely be damaged if you act without their agreement. So...

What’s more important to you—this relationship, or a clear conscience?

No matter what you do, the path to a clear conscience is through knowing your own boundaries and motives, and staying true to your values.

By adopting this stance in general, you’ll attract people who appreciate your sensibilities and act with integrity themselves.

Hopefully, that means you won’t have to make this decision very often. But if you do, perhaps it will be easier next time.

To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.